Mason Baveux Does the Olys

Our esteemed pinch hitter, Mason Baveux likes the Olympics, so we asked him to write about it.

Thanks lad!  Now here’s the Olys over in London, (not London Ontario, but London, England.  London Ont. couldn’t organize a one-car funeral procession without Federal funding)

The opening ceremonies were perplexing in that they tried to reenact everything what happened in the UK since they first tipped up the stones for Stonehenge, right up to soccer hooligans burnin down stores.  Sir Paul McCartney looked like he’d been burned down too and Rowan Atkinson was right funny.  And that video of Queen Betty with Bond, James Bond?  Funnyer than Mr. Bean fer sure and showed she’s a good sport to boot.  The rest of it made my eyes hurt.  So’s I popped the top off another weasel, chugged that and went to sleep.

Competitions.  Canada’s goin through her Bronze age again where all we seem to get is Bronze medals.  I thinks we’s rated one above one of the ‘stans which I can’t keep straight for love nor money. (Ed:  We’re 26th between Mexico and India)  

Now, like a good Canadian, I’ve been watching Brian Williams on CTV, as it is a legal requirement to keep your citizenship, but from time to time I’s sneaked a peek at the NBC show.  You’d a thought that all their athletes are fightin’ World War 17 by hand.  They had a 30 minute profile of the handicapped Iraqi-war veteran, with only one arm who is married to the gal what does Michael Phelps back waxing for the swimming.  Lads, relax.

Speakin of relaxin, theres been no relaxin the rules for the Olys this year.  So far a good dozen or so competitors have been shitcanned for mixin up drugs to make them Citius Altius Fortius.  One Turkish weight lifter was so full of the dope that he had three dicks and six sets of tits, but could still clean and jerk a schoolbus full of fat kids just come back from the Oreo factory tour. 

One of the Chinese girl swimmers, Ye Shiwen swims so fast she leaves a wake you could boogie-board on, which has perplexed the Yanks, as she’s faster than about 9/10ths of the USA Men’s Team.  So’s they hinted that she’s full of the dope.  She ain’t as she’s tested clean as the air whistlin through Mitt Romney’s head, so sour grapes to the Yanks.  What the Chineeses do do is train the snot out of their Oly competitors, starting at the age of 2, so Ye hasn’t been home for 14 years.  I suspect she’s not been out of a pool for more than a half-dozen days in those fourteen years either.

Now, as for the badminton, I didn’t even know twas was an Oly sport, but there was some jiggerypokery with some competitors not really trying, so’s they wouldn’t have to face the number one ceeds in the semis.  The Oly folk put them on a plane right quick.

There’s a new sport I saw there too, which is called synchronized diving.  Two lads, or gals jump off a 10 meter tower and do all kinds of complicated moves what would leave a ice dancer dizzy for a week, then land in the pool.  But they got to do them at the same time, like synchronized swimming, while falling down.  Seems to me that’d be one sport built for the Siamese Twins out there.  Sorry, conjoined twins, as there’s no Siameseians any more.  Two brothers joined at the head’d clean up on the Gold medals there, if only they just fell of the platform piss drunk wearing workshirts and a pair of dungarees:  They’d have to be in perfect synchronizations don’t you know.  If they had an event for fat old white guys doin the cannonball off the 3 meter board, I’d enter.

There’s no good gymnastics on yet, but there will be.  I seen some of the men’s pommel horse and had to turn away.  I was crossin my legs too many times waitin for someone to terminally nut themselves in full 1080p High Def.  Cut to the Super-Slow-Mo replay of Ivan Bitchacockoff curling up like a fiddlehead after catching his ballsack on a handle, then tossin his cookies across the arena makes for a helluva a highlight reel.

One this I will tell you, I am liking about this crack at the Olys, is we ain’t got that friggin “I Believe” song runnin every forty five seconds. 

So far, so good.  Now if they could just get some butts in the seats.