Occasionally emails forwarded from locations unknown that contain pearls of wisdom amongst the dross. One of which was the “Adult Truths” from a correspondent. We’ve rewritten it, sort of.
1: When you die, the first duty of your best friend should be to clear your computer history.
2: There is great need for a sarcasm font, especially in email to government departments.
3: Were the years spent learning cursive writing really necessary?
4: MapQuest can start their directions on #5. I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
5: Could we all please just agree to ignore whatever comes along after Blu-Ray? I’m fed up with having to start my video collection…again.
6: Kay Jewellers is wrong: Not every kiss begins with Kay. Pick any Friday or Saturday night, and I’ll wager many start with a silo of MGD, or a fourth round of tequila shooters.
7: To all the Nigerian/Togoan/Maldivian lawyers out there: I don’t have wealthy relatives that suddenly died leaving me a fortune. No, you can’t help.
9: Can we have a sign in our cars that says: Your $45,000 Lexus has a broken turn signal, or you’re an asshat. Pick one.
10: How are kids going to learn what clockwise is?
11: For that matter, how will kids ever know what REgent 5-1212 was?
12: 12:00…12:00…12:00 Is my technology mocking me?
13: If the various national security agencies who are reading all our emails and texts would get together, I wouldn’t have to wade through mountainous piles of spam. Just forward the important stuff please. Oh, and send me a reminder of my anniversary as well. Thanks.
14: Note to parents: Your kid will never make it to the NBA/NFL/MLB/NHL/Olympics. Relax.
15: How many times can one network run “Weekend At Bernie’s” without incurring the wrath of consumers? Or is this just a trick by televisions manufacturers to have us throw large objects at our TV’s, necessitating the purchase of a new one?
16: There are some things that should never be shot in HD.
18: Mashups should die now. Preferably in the same fatal crash that takes Autotune and ProTools. Learn how to sing then learn how to edit and mix. For the video monkeys, there’s nothing wrong with a cut; use a dissolve if you have to.
19: Ice Fishing. Why fish for it, when you have a perfectly good freezer at home? Make your own.
20: There’s no such thing as “Authentic” any cuisine. It’s always changing. Beware of any joint that strives to serve authentic fusion cuisine when the place is named Ulmanis & Tomokiro and serves Latvian-Japanese fusion cuisine.
21: Why cut when you can untie? Sorry, now that everything is in impervious plastic security blister-pack clamshell, you have to reach for the plasma cutter to get at the tube of wood filler.
22: A little honesty from the liquor companies please. The objective isn’t to relive that great time when we ran out of milk and loaded the coffee with Bailey’s. The objective is to relive the Christmas party when Gretchen from Accounting got shitfaced and took her top off while dancing on the break room counter.
23: Thong underwear is wrong, regardless of gender.
24: Ads for prescription medicine should include a complete list of all the side effects. This will result in prescription medicine ads that are four minutes long or cover five pages of your magazine. We need to know that your miracle cure has only been tested on four employees, two of whom spontaneously combusted when exposed to daylight.
25: Lists like this. It must be mid-winter.
RoadDave 
Enough, man, enough! My sides are killing me!
Screw Blue-Ray. I got VHS and 8-tracks. If they invent anything better than vinyl LPs (and I’ll argue the supremacy of CDs to the death with you), THEN maybe I’ll update. And my laptop, running Windows XP, can’t handle Blue-Ray anyway.
Try explaining to any 20-something what a rotary dial phone is. Then try explaining why area codes started at 212 for NYC, not 001. Have patience.
Fusion cuisine is like fusion bombs. Best left to the experts, VERY far away and in deep, concrete-lined vaults. Thongs, well, definitely no for the guys. There are a few females I could write an exception for, but maybe an overall ban is best. TV marathon runs of some given movie are necessary for maintenance work and to allow the broadcasting staff time to grab some “afternoon delight” on the job. Why do you think I used to volunteer to watch our online credit-card processing on Black Friday? I had the office all to myself! 😉
And as a final comment, just to totally gross you out, my first kiss from my wife-to-be, started with me blowing chunks into her loo. (Ok, there were several weeks between hurl and hugs.)
Good stuff! If you ever want a full list on the Lexus-sans-indicator, let me know – I’ve got bunch you can use! 😀