Prez O Comes To Canada

U.S. President Barack Obama is coming to Canada for his first official Presidential visit to a foreign country.  On Thursday, he’s coming to Ottawa, our national capitol, on a six-hour drive-by.  He’s coming up on Air Force One, jumping into a limo, spending some time with our PM Steve-O Harper, then flying back to DC.

Dubya, the last time he was up, commented that in America he was used to people waving with all five fingers, unlike Canada, where we only used one to greet him.  Dubya didn’t bother to stay the night either.  It seems that U.S. Presidents prefer to sleep in their own beds.  This is perhaps for their own good, or more correctly, for the good of the Presidential entourage. 

You see, Ottawa is right across the river from Hull, Quebec.  Hull is, shall we say, notorious.  Up until a few years ago, the Federal Ceremonial Route for foreign dignitaries, went by what was called the Ceremonial Route Sex Shop.  The window displays were what you might well think they would be for a shop selling adult lotions, potions, devices, clothing and attachments, all in a lurid shade of passionate purple and whorehouse red.  For some reason, The Accommodator was always in the window. 

Also in Hull, there are numerous licensed premises where the Arts of Terpsichore are on display.  Very much on display, as there are no g-string or pastie laws in Canada, so one can obtain a very educational and informative demonstration from the stage, table-side or in private rooms. 

NHL players who come to Ottawa for games against the local team always seem to wind up across the river in Hull and Pointe Gatineau, depositing large denomination bills in the garters of the artistes.  Apparently, the home games for the Ottawa Senators are regarded as extra paydays for the staff at some establishments.  As for drinking hours, the laws in Quebec are lax.  Technically, last call is 0300, more or less.  They just never said 0300 of which month or year.

Upon reflection it might actually be better for international relations that Prez O and the entourage go home Thursday.  “Secret Service Agents Found Drunk, Broke and Missing Pants in Hull Strip Club after Obama Visit” would not be a good headline to see.  That’s right up there with “WaPo Pool Reporter Wakes Up in Transvestite Rub and Tug in Pointe Gatineau”

Be this as it may, despite the shortness of the Prez O Visit, there are several dozen bus loads of out of towners coming to Ottawa to catch a glimpse of the car that he may or may not be riding in.  The local cops and the RCMP have all held press conferences inviting people to stay the hell away from downtown, Parliament Hill, most of the streets and the Airport Parkway.  There will be no spontaneous walkabouts and the presence of various snipers on rooftops will preclude anyone trying to get near President Obama alive.

As a public service then, here’s what President Barack Obama should see in Ottawa.  After meeting with Prime Minster Stephen “Steve” Harper at Parliament Hill, a quick walk down Bank Street to the Sparks Street Mall.  Stop at Morrow’s Nut House for a bag of cashews.  It also makes a nice statement about the meeting with Harper. 

Get in the motorcade and buzz down Sussex Drive to the Byward Market.  Don’t worry about traffic, the RCMP will clear the way.  Stop at the Continental Deli and get some of their pepperoni, the hot pepperoni, which is blindingly spicy and good.  While there, walk a block or two to Hooker’s and grab a Beavertail.  The Killaloe Sunrise (cinnamon, sugar and lemon) is the way to go Beavertail. 

Continue down Sussex Drive to the Rideau Hall and take a moment to have your picture taken with our Governor General, who is Queen Elizabeth’s representative in Canada.  You don’t have to bow, as you’re also a head of state.  Grab a snap with one of the full-scarlet and bearskin busby-clad Governor General’s Footguards in the guard house.

For lunch, double back by the American Embassy to the Chateau Laurier, specifically Zoe’s Lounge.  You can have high tea if you want.  Back into the motorcade and zoom over the bridge to Hull.  Whizz by the Museum of Civilization and a bunch of soulless government buildings next to a pulp and paper mill, then get back to Ottawa.  Get the motorcade to stop somewhere in the DMZ on Somerset Street.  Hang at a bubble-tea joint for a bit, or just go walking around.  You name the ethnic group and the Somerset strip has at least a few representatives. 

Swing down Preston Street to Dow’s Lake and see what a freakin’ big fourteen kilometre long skating rink looks like with people actually skating on it.  Through the Experimental Farm, then out to the airport via Riverside and you’re gone.

You’re welcome.  And thanks for dropping by.