Poutine!

There are some things in the world that have to be experienced, rather than explained, but here we go.  Poutine.  Some of you know what poutine is already, so bear with us, this is more an explanation for those who don’t have The Knowledge.  Also, thanks to Kim Rodger-St.Denis for sparking the story idea.

As America has Hot Dogs and Apple Pie as the quintessential "American Food" Canada has Poutine, an eclectic and very peculiar dish.  Here is the basic recipe:

Hot french fries.  Top with cheese curds.  Top that with a ladle of brown gravy.  Serve.  That’s the basic construction for what is a rudimentary poutine.  There are variations that are important to understand, some which might even be described as snobbish, or even bordering on gastro-porn, but we can live with that criticism.

First of all, the french fries, or chips, must be made fresh.  Not frozen, not pre-cut from a factory somewhere.  The chips must be cooked in oil and crispy to the tooth, as well as tasting like potato.  They shouldn’t be commercial ‘fries’ that taste of nothing except salt and oil on starch tubes.  Be ruthless here in choosing your poutine.  Look for fifty-pound bags of potatoes in the kitchen.  Real potatoes means real french fries, which means real poutine. 

The curds:  To make cheddar cheese you make curds first, drain away the whey, then press it into a block that we know as cheese.  Curds are the solid, irregularly shaped proto-cheese morsels that are made before pressing.  Curd cheese is never cold, just barely chilled is ideal.  Curds should squeak when you bite them as proof that they are impeccably fresh.  We mean truly fresh.  Curds should have been milk in a cow’s udder yesterday morning category of fresh.  Orange cheese is fine, but so is the natural creamy white cheese curd.

Cheese sauce is never used.  Nor is processed cheese, or processed cheese food, or processed cheese food product.  Shame on you for considering it, you ignorant, unreconstructed gastronomic peasant.

Gravy:  There are several schools of thought in the construction of the very best poutine and gravy is always key.  The gravy should be brown.  The gravy should not be identifiable as a particular species of gravy.  You should not be able to say that the gravy is beef, or pork, or game, or veal, or chicken.  It has to be ‘meat’ yes, but you shouldn’t be able to tell which meat. 

Viscosity is important.  Think 50-weight motor oil, or corn syrup for thickness.  The ‘au jus’ or ‘French Dip’ type of fluids have no place in poutine.  There are some purists that insist that only canned commercial ‘brown’ gravy is acceptable, preferably with salt as the first, second and third ingredients and unpronounceable chemical names as the next dozen or so things in it.  I must humbly agree.  A impeccably crafted brown stock from roasted beef bones with a brunette roux base and bouquet garni, lovingly prepared by a professional, trained chef is not the right gravy for poutine.

The venue.  Where you eat poutine is important.  A french fry truck or chip truck is the preferred venue.  If the chip wagon is a converted yellow school bus or superannuated delivery truck, then you have the potential for superlative poutine.  A white-tablecloth joint is where you won’t get good poutine.  Needless to say chain places do not serve poutine that you actually want to put in your mouth. 

The place where you get yours should be named something like Bob’s Patate, Chez Ti-Gus, Vites Vites Patates Frites, Casse-Croute Marie Claude or Le Casse Croute Arc-En-Ciel Rainbow Snack Bar Tab Sprite Coke.  The person serving you should either have tattoos or look very likely to have tattoos.  If they list ‘carny’ somewhere on their curriculum vitae, that’s usually a good sign. 

Condiments available should include, white vinegar, malt vinegar, salt, celery salt, seasoned salt, barbecue salt and ‘all-dress-tout-garni’ salt.  You won’t use any of the condiments, but they should be there as a proper poutine venue also might serve, hot dogs, steamies, hamburgs, sausages, onion rings Pogo’s and canned soda pop.

Poutine should be eaten from a white plastic foam bowl with either a wooden ‘fork’ or a plastic fork.  Plates are to be shunned.  Table linens are to be shunned.  Paper napkins are mission-critical as the gravy will drip somewhere.  Perched on the hood of your car, or at an available picnic table is the best place to eat poutine.

Now the critical scientific facts.  Calories?  There’s fewer numbers in the Israeli arms budget.  Cholesterol?  Don’t ask.  You don’t want to know.  There are no health benefits to poutine, except as a source of calcium from the cheese curds and enough salt to ensure that you get your daily nutritional fix of iodine several hundred times over. 

The taste?  Exquisite.  Hot, delectable, real, french fries, with stringy partially melted rubbery mild cheese curds and the deep salty meaty gravy funk to top off the flavour profile.

It is poutine.  Canada’s gift to the World.