Mason Baveux Watches the Debates

There was a bit of a scheduling conflict on the tube last night.  The Canadian Leadership Debate was on at the same time as the US Vice-Presidential Debate, essentially 9 pm to 11 pm.  I can watch two car races at once, as I am motivated and card-carrying gear head, but two political debates?  Not in this life.

We called on our 500-channel Universe expert, Mason Baveux to watch both debates at the same time.  I stuck with a book (Morell’s Contract Law for Third Year Students) and called it a night around 2200 hrs.  Here is Mason Baveux’s commentary:

So’s Davey said I could do him a favour and watch both debates one on the US and t’other on Canada, then write‘er up.  Now I don’t follow the politics as close as he does, so I’m gonna get some wrong, but you can figure it out, if you’re smart.

First off, what tool told the CNNers that we wanted to see all that stuff up the sides and bottom of the screens.  They had doodads for their analysts to say good or bad as she went.  The dials went back and forth all the time. 

Then there was some bar graphs along the bottom from where they had a bunch of citizens hooked up to electronic things based on their sex (Gettin’ Some/Gettin’ None) and their political twist.  The graph’s would go up and down depending on who said what and how much electricity was goin’ through their heads.  Almost made me dizzy, but I cracked the top of a couple more wobbly-pop and she straightened out by half time.

Now over at the CBC (them holes what lost the rights to the theme for Hockey Night in Canada.  Don’t get me started.) they did ‘er easier.  Big-arse table the shape of an egg with the Leaders around it and Mandy Patinkin as the question guy.  I liked seein Mandy again.  Last time he was on the TV was “Dead Like Me” and he’s lost some weight too.   (Ed.: It was Steve Paikin from TVOntario, not Mandy Patinkin)

The CBC had the leaders around the table and Mandy would shoot questions at them, then they’d have a go at each other.  While over at CNN, they had the two podiers up there one for Biden and one for Palin, with Gwen Iffile in the middle asking questions of each. 

Oh, hey, did Gwen Iffiles’ Grandma knit that friggin’ sweater?  Lord thunderin Jesus that was an ugly green.  I seen better colours come out of my nose after an afternoon of layin fiberglass insulation in the attic.

So, the questions:  Neither Mandy nor Gwen asked the really important question of their guests.  Which was, “Are you fer friggin real, or are you piss drunk right now?”  Jesus I’ve heard some bullshitters in my life, especially at the Legion, or when I worked at the plant before going on the disability, but the two Americans wouldn’t answer a straight question if you’da held a gun to a puppy’s head.

All’s I heard was sound bites for the news about how great their Presidential leaders was and how the other guy was a lying sack of crap.  Palin came off like she’s the friend of the Working Man, what they called Joe Six Pack.  Which means you can’t trust her worth a damn.  Six Pack means you’re twelve years old.  There’s twenty four in a case and twenty-four hours in a day.  You figure it out.

Over to the Canadians.  I think someone made Stevie Harper cry before the debates.  His eyes look like he’s just finished watching “Old Yeller” then went on stage. 

At the beginning when they introduced the leaders, Stevie Harper looked at the camera and smiled.  Scared the shit out of me.  At least he wasn’t wearing that pigs in a blanket sweater which makes him look like a pigs in a blanket made with a dog turd.

Then there was Stevie Dion.  I wonder when he passed away, as he looked like he was sitting up at his own wake out of the casket.  Liz May and Gilles Duceppe had a run at Harper, ignoring Dion the Dead Guy.  Duceppe looks like someone run an air hose up his arse and inflated him out past 30 psi:  His eyes were all bugged out and his hair looked like he’d been hangin out the window of a car going down the 401 at 130 per. 

Liz May, she kept beatin Harper like a gong which was fun to watch for a while, but the fun was when Jack Layton jumped in with both boots and kicked Harper’s ass, then tag-teamed off to Liz May who cut Harper an extra one. 

What scared me was Harper would smile at both of them with that half-arsed smile that makes him look like he’s got a weapon, a case of rounds and a high building all picked out if he loses.  Didn’t nobody at the party tell him to never smile? 

Harper with a smile on his mug looks like Geecher Brock at the arena did before he drove the Zamboni over to the railroad tracks and waited for the afternoon fast freight to come by.  We had to get a Wintario grant to replace the Zamboni.  We never did replace Geecher Brock as there wasn’t much left and his family buried him in an old Bell Canada reply envelope.  Didn’t hurt the freight train none. 

The Americans kept going at each other.  You could tell that Biden was holding it back and not speaking his mind, which might have been fun.  You could also tell what Palin was thinking:  “Jeez there’s lots of folks out here and there’s shiny lights.” 

She did good enough but I’m fed up with hearing about hockey-moms.  Palin doesn’t know about real hockey-moms, at least in the Bantam league around here.  There was hockey-mom I saw last season name of Maureen who cold-cocked the ref with a quart bottle of Ex when the ref came over to the timekeepers bench to call a five minute major on her son. 

Maureen went over the boards and tried to get the linesmen too, but slipped on the ice so’s we could see she was wearing a tiger-striped thong under her miniskirt.  That was a change, as Maureen didn’t normally wear any gitch. 

The cops took Maureen away after gettin out the pepper spray, which only made her madder.  Last we heard she got probation and had to stay away from the arena for the rest of the season.  Constable Kutchkie wears a cup on patrol now, as Maureen got him once while they took her away. 

All in all, by 11 o’clock I’d had enough.  Harper got his ass kicked and Palin showed she can mouth off:  She’s no idea what she’s sayin, but she sure can mouth off.  Felt like someone’d filled my ears with Lepage’s mucilage by the time it was done. 

Overall, she’s a tie in the US and Jack got’er done in overtime in Canada.

Thank you Mason.  As always, insightful.  Frightening, but insightful.