Bailout The Base IV

The bipartisan Bailout The Base Bill brought to you by President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy and a collection of Democratic and Republican Senators has been regrooved again. 

What was a three page manifesto of Henry the FrankenFinancier (“All Your Base Are Belong To Us!”) became 106 pages of stoner-prose (“Freebird Man!  Play fuckin’ Freebird Maaaannn!”) that was shot down by Congress.

We’re now up to 451 pages on the version the Senate is going to vote on.  There’s everything in it, like a Happy Meal for the OCD customer:  You get a banana, a pretzel and a garden gnome with a bit of mustard on the side.  Plus 451 Wet-Naps so you can clean up again and again and again and again.

The only thing that hasn’t been tossed into the new bill is a return to the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act of 1930 and a bailout for beekeepers in Hawaii.  Since the bill has something for everyone, except beekeepers in Hawaii, it should pass. 

The “sweeteners” have added another $150 Billion to the Bailout The Base Bill, which is now looking like a Christmas tree decorated by squirrels with ADHD and a JC Whitney catalogue.  The pork includes mental health insurance, increasing the Federal Deposit Insurance Commission minimums, tax benefits for everyone and government-funded satellite-based GIS mapping of Ben Bernanke’s head.  

(Note to Ben Bernanke:  Yes, it is dark, brown, warm and smells like Mexican food.  Those shoes above your head contain Henry Paulson’s feet.  The ass you are up is George W. Bush’s.)

Senators Obama and McCain are both in favour of the bill, while their running mates have disappeared.  Biden is being kept under heavy sedation in a car trunk in the parking lot of the Arby’s in Falls Church VA.  Palin is being distracted by the Arctic Cat 2008 catalogue at her training camp in Rockville, MD. 

Palin has been working on the speedbag and the heavy bag with Angelo Dundee as her trainer for the Veep debate.  Biden is being fed intravenous Atavan, to keep him from tearing Palin a spare in the first five minutes of the debate tomorrow night.  Palin knows the only way she can win, is to give Biden a good left-right combination to the ribs and ball-shot after the bell rings.  Biden better wear a cup.  

Meanwhile the media has a procession of double-chinned pundits, bow-tied economists and mouth-breathing axe-grinders doing double and four-headers with the anchormeat.  So far, the opinions have ranged from “Ick!” to quoting Henry Kissinger for some unknown reason.  Based on the amount of inane babble coming out of the media, the guests are paid by the word.  Dramatically overpaid, but still by the word. 

Back at the Ranch, Wall Street finished under relative calm and finished down twenty points, which is a rounding error, more or less.

We await the vote.