Scooter's Unheard Testimony

There’s just too many fake documents around these days, but I wish this one was true.

DA: Your name for the record is?

SL: I. Lewis Libby, Junior…

DA:  No, I’m not asking you to take an oath, I just want to enter your name in the record Mister Libby

SL: Its is I. Lewis Libby Junior, that’s my name, Aye

DA: I as in in the initial I?

SL: Aye

DA: You mean I as in yes, or I as in I

SL: Aye, I…

DA: Judge will you instruct this witness so we can at least find out what his name is please?

DEF: I Object!

Judge: Over ruled, The Witness will give his full name

SL: I. Lewis Libby Junior

Judge: Do you not have a first name sir?

SL: Aye, no, I do

DA: Will you tell us what it is then?

SL: Aye I will…

DEF: I Object, badgering the witness

Judge:  Over ruled, he’s not a witness yet, as we’re trying to get to the point where we can enter his name in the record first, then, swear him in, then you can object all you want, is that OK?

DEF: Aye! Thank you

Judge:  I’m going to do this slowly Mister Libby.  What is your first name, the one that appears on your driver’s license?  You understand me?

SL: Aye, I do. Aye

DA:  Your Honor, will you tell the witness, er, soon-to-be witness that even though he’s dressed like a Scotsman, it is a bit disturbing to see him with his, um, kilt, um, er, misadjusted

Judge:  What?  Oh Holy Hannah!  Mister Libby!

SL: Aye?

Judge:  I know that Knowlton versus the Supreme Court upholds the right of defendants to wear elements of dress that are important to their cultural heritage and religion.  This means that you can wear a full dress kilt to court, but Mister Libby, please remember that you are wearing a garment that may allow members of the jury or the court to inadvertently see parts of your anatomy that you should not have on display

SL: Aye?  I can? 

Judge:  Yes you can.  Do you not feel a breeze Mister Libby?

SL: Aye, Noooo.

DEF:  I Object

Judge: Over ruled.  Mister Prosecutor, help me here.

DA:  Mister Libby, you are wearing a kilt, correct?

SL: Aye

DA: Judge, I’m…just not…I’m, um, errr…

Judge:  Clerk of the Court, please

Clerk:  You’re Regimental you great pillock! Close your friggin’ legs.  We can see your hairy balls clear back to your arsehole!

SL:  OH!  Aye, I am Regimental.  Sorry.

Judge:  Thank you Clerk.  I appreciate you promptness in this matter.  Now, where were we.  Ah yes.  Mister Libby, what is your first name, the full name as it appears on your driver’s license

SL: It’s I, Aye it is I.

Judge:  Mister Libby, I’m going to go out on a limb here. 

DEF:  I Object!

Judge: You what?!?!

DEF: Oh, um…I…never mind.

Judge: Mister Libby, I’m going to ask you a direct question that I require a direct answer for, do you understand me?

SL: Aye, I do

Judge:  Are you Scottish?

SL: Aye, well, nooo, I’m not…

Judge:  Where were you born then?

SL:  New Haven, Connecticut

Judge:  So you’re not Scottish at all then?

SL: Not technically, no, Aye

Judge:  Not even a little bit Scottish?

SL: Nooo

Judge: But your dressed in a tartan kilt, high stockings, a flouncy shirt and wearing a tam?

SL: Well, yes. I am.  Aye.

Judge:  May I ask why?

SL:  It is, well, it is Robbie Burns’ Day.

Judge: Oh Aye it is! Well then, now were getting somewhere.  Mister Libby, what is your first name?

SL: (unintelligible)

Judge:  Could you speak up sir? 

SL:  Irving

Judge: So your full name is Irving Lewis Libby Junior.

SL: Aye

Judge:  Cut that out, you’re not Scottish!

SL: Yes… its Irving, goddamn it!  IRVING!  Are you happy now!

Judge:  Mister District Attorney, are you happy?

DA: Aye!

Judge: Defense Counsel, are you happy?

DEF: Aye, but I Obj….Aye…

Judge: Clerk of the Court?  Are you happy?

Clerk: Nooo.  What kind of an idiot mother names a Scottish child Irving.  His name should be Gordon or Kieran.  Bloody Hell, Aye I am not happy your Honor!  But as long as he keeps his bloody legs together, I have no objection Aye.

Judge:  Aye! Heard and noted Clerk.  The Court will adjourn until after Robbie Burns’ Day and reconvene tomorrow at Nine a.m, when Mister Libby will not be talking with a fake Scottish accent and we will all swear the defendant in, under his full name of Irving Lewis Libby Junior. Aye?

Clerk:  All rise!

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