If you want to scare yourself, read the Bill of Sale or Application for just about any major goods, products, credit card agreement, or even an airline ticket. In tiny grey print on a light grey background you’ll see that the seller, or credit grantor has all the rights, including the right to tell you to go spoon a goose at their sole discretion. Which is fine, as it is their condition of sale and we merrily sign up and carry on hoping that things all work out in the end.
When things don’t work out, as they sometimes do, they point to the fine print and then to the invisible “conditions” and policies that the company has put in place to prevent you from getting it fixed, replaced, refunded or worked upon. I think it is time for all of us to put some conditions in place when dealing with companies.
Herewith, my Conditions. I’m contemplating printing out a very small copy and handing it to everyone I meet in the course of normal business, or even human contact.
Purchaser agrees that: We can change the conditions of this agreement at anytime without notice, including but not limited to policy, refunds, management, merchantability, response to questions, advocacy, medical information, privacy, protected information and any other information or thing that may be contained into or wrought into those devices, articles, systems, procedures or intellectual properties of us.
Severance of one or more conditions will not render the entire agreement void.
The agreement will be in force until We inform you of release of conditions by registered letter, verbal or telephone communication to the last known address of the Purchaser.
We are entitled to collect such information as we require for performance of our agreement and you are required to provide this information in a timely manner in a format that we will specify. Failure to provide information will result in penalties as described in our policies which are on file at 59 Ashpark Crescent, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada during normal business hours.
You specifically agree to provide a photographic likeness, credit and comprehensive medical information that will become sole possession of the vendor for use at our discretion to describe, annotate and statistically derive management information for our use.
Any material change to your information must be reported immediately to us, including but not limited to, income, health, healthcare provider, serious diseases as listed in Policy Appendix A, shirt or collar size, gender, hair colour or style, tobacco use, engagement in risk activities or driving abstract.
Purchaser agrees that entering into communications with us will suffice as acceptance of all provisions of this agreement. If the purchaser is not an agent of the company represented their acceptance of these terms will be considered acceptance by the company, their agents, heirs and assigns without restraint as if the company has signed the agreement.
Simply put, these Conditions, if you read through it, allows me to do a ton of things just like big companies do:
Telemarketers calling? It is not our policy to answer questions over the telephone for security purposes. If you wish to continue speaking with us, we require the following information. Your name, address, telephone number, SSN or SIN account number and a completed credit report before we can speak with you.
Credit Card Hawkers: I’ll sign up, if your company provides me with a Dun and Bradstreet credit report so I can see if they are worthy of my membership. We require a credit application from you, personally, for informational purposes to start the approval process. You can’t or won’t do that? I’m sorry, our conditions insist on it and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Charity Callers: I’m sorry policy does not permit donations at this time. Thank you for calling.
Door to Door: In order to listen to you, we require a completed application for communications before we can talk to you, including a non-disclosure agreement.
Car Salespersons: Our policy insists that your company provide financial information before we consider buying your car.
Boss: Under the terms of the non-disclosure agreement, I cannot discuss your statement without a release from the vendor according to our policy terms.
The whole idea is to turn that corporate pseudo-customer service babble against the purveyors of mouthcrap. By politely answering their questions with policy statements you jam it back down their throats. If they choose not to adhere to your “policy”, then you can turn them down, without guilt, or fear, or discomfort, as its “just policy” nothing personal.
The genesis of this was a quote from the actor and racer Paul Newman in an interview years ago. PL was asked how he turns down all the offers to give speeches, interviews, commencement addresses, charity time and items for auction. His quote, which stuck with me, is this: “It’s not something I (we) do”
In a very succinct statement he has said “No” without entering into an argument and leaving no room for a comeback. I’ve tried it a couple of times with telemarketers and it just leaves them speechless. If they press, I just restate it. It’s not something we do.
One persistent fellow asked me what I meant and I explained it politely, as Explaining myself to you is not something I do. Thank you for calling.
Try it sometime. Works like a charm.
