RoadDave

Before the US and the Coalition Provisional Authority turned the keys to Iraq back over to an elected government in 2004, the Coalition of the Willing went nuts with the cash.  Five Billion dollars and six weeks later, Paul Bremer handed over the pink slip to Iraq.

In a thirteen-month period, Paul Bremer’s term as the head of the Coalition Provisional Authority, the US government shipped 360 tonnes of cash to Iraq.  That is tonnes, as in 2200 pounds of weight.  That would be 792,000 pounds of money. 

The Max Take Off Weight (MTOW) of a Boeing 747-400 is 800,000 pounds.  MTOW includes the weight of the aircraft, full of gas, groceries, (sorry, no meal service) passengers and luggage.

These figures came to light in Washington yesterday in a House oversight committee, as Paul Bremer got carved a spare by Rep. Henry Waxman.  One official from the provisional authority said that a contractor received a two million dollar payment in a duffel bag stuffed with shrinkwrapped bundles of currency.  (source http://www.ft.com/cms/s/77c172ce-b610-11db-9eea-0000779e2340.html)

Yes, I know there were no real government or financial mechanisms in place in Iraq in 2003 or 2004, but this is the kind of thing even the head-injured can understand as dumb beyond redemption. Even a Yale graduate could grasp that.

Not, apparently, Yale-grad Paul Bremer.  An ex-US Foreign Service wank, he worked for Alexander Haig and eventually became Ronnie Regan’s ambassador to the Netherlands.  There was the stint at Kissinger and Associates.  Yes that Kissinger.  After 9/11 Bremer came back to the government tit along with Regan-era sack of suck, Ed Meese, to lay the groundwork for the Department of Homeland Paranoia, with the Heritage Foundation’s Homeland Security Task Force. 

Then The Terror Trust tapped Bremer to run the Coalition Provision Authority in Iraq.

Perhaps the most telling of Bremer’s actions was the repair and re-opening of the pipelines and well-heads to move Iraqi oil.  He got it done right smartly, with one teensy little exception.  The meters on the well-heads and pipelines never seemed to get fixed. 

According to the UN International Advisory and Monitoring Board, it took forever to get a contractor to fix those pesky meters.  I guess Paul couldn’t find anyone from Haliburton with a few hours to spare and an adjustable wrench.  Either that, or he had run out of duffel bags full of cash.

There were other advances under Paul Bremer’s rule.  Like CPA Order #39 which privatized 200 Iraq state-owned enterprises, allowed 100% foreign ownership of Iraq businesses, and granted 40-year ownership licenses.  Then there was CPA Order #17 that granted foreign contractors, including private security firms, full immunity from all Iraqi laws. 

We have to mention CPA Order #49, which dropped the tax on corporations from 40% to a maximum of 15%.  CPA Order #12 that suspended all tariffs, customs duties, import taxes, licensing fees and all other trade restrictions on goods entering or leaving Iraq. 

Or the CPA Order #81 that prohibits Iraqi farmers from saving heirloom seeds from one season to the next if the seeds are transgenic or patented seeds.  Funny that it only took him 27 pages to set up full patent and intellectual property rights in a country that was just gutted in a war.

No wonder Paul Bremer got the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Jo Jo The Idiot Boy on December 14th, 2004. 

Aside from having a 747’s weight worth of cash to pull from, he set up just about every structure that has allowed big business to bend Iraq over a a taxi hood and yell "Please Sir May I Have Another!"  Pardon me, not a reaming, just the Free Market working to defeat the Evildoers of the Axis of Evildoers Axis of Evil. 

Let freedom ring, baby.

 

 

For those of you who are south of the border, or who live in a bubble, you probably don’t know about Robert Pickton.  I’ll give you the short version right now.  He’s charged with several murders in Port Coquitlam, outside of Vancouver.  Over several years it is rumoured that he killed 49 women. 

Now, one would think that 47 missing women might cause a bit of attention from the police, right?  Well, not if the women are all economically marginalized, sex trade workers.  That, naturally, is one aspect of the trial, after all nothing sells like sensationalist coverage of serial prostitute murder. 

There are other aspects to the trial.  Pickton was a pig farmer and owned a hog rendering operation.  As to where the bodies of 40 or so victims went, I will leave it up to your imagination.  The media started playing up the horrific and grisly while the farm was under police control as a crime scene.  The cops used all of the white disposable coveralls in Canada as they obtained the evidence of the crimes, over a four-month forensic investigation.

Now, is Pickton guilty?  That’s what is going on in trial.  The prosecution is presenting their very meticulously gathered evidence.  I’ll go along with the "innocent until proven guilty" as that is how the system works, but it does not look too good for Robert Pickton.  If half of what the Crown is presenting is vaguely true, then Pickton is not well-adjusted and should be made to pay for his crimes, if found guilty.   

Every evening the television meat puppets give us the stern voiced "some details may be disturbing to some viewers".  No kidding.  In a particular corner of Hell, Ed Gein, Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy are watching FOXNews, swapping high-fives and going "Daymm.  He’s goood."

I’m a firm believer in the rights of the press to report the trial, as it is an open trial and it is newsworthy from a judicial and sociological point of view.  Even from the standpoint of justice being seen to be done, I can accept the coverage of trial.

The question that is not being asked in all the coverage is why wasn’t he wasn’t captured sooner?  If one woman were to disappear from a "nice" Vancouver suburb, the police would be crawling everywhere to find out what happened.  Except that Pickton’s alleged victims were almost all street prostitutes and junkies.  The lost people of our society.  They weren’t women from a nice Vancouver suburb.

Why didn’t the cops get involved earlier, say, after the first suspicious disappearance?  Or was the reaction "Well, its just some whores gone missing, who cares?"  Apparently the street workers told the police that something wasn’t right.  Rumours existed amongst those in the sex industry that the pig farm and the guy associated with it were bad news.  These warnings were unheeded by the police as best I can tell.  That’s not right.

The list of questions gets longer.  Why were the victims doing what they were doing?  How did we, meaning you and me, fail them?  Nobody chooses being a street whore as an avocation.  Nobody chooses mental illness or being a crack head as a career path.  Supposedly our society has ways and means to help, to provide choices or a hand up.  Or did we decide to throw these women away?  Is it because they were women?

I’m not going to wonder why Robert Pickon though his actions were acceptable.  Monsters have lived amongst us since the day after our species climbed out of the water: They simply are.  We just have better methods of communications these days.  This mean more people know of the existence of the darkest side of humankind in minute detail, meticulously covered by our media in every ghastly aspect.

But the other questions still stand. Nobody in the media is asking the difficult questions.

 

 

 

In an article in the San Francisco Chronicle today, the company that owns TiVo has revealed that they offer TV networks and Ad agencies a chance to review second-by-second data about the viewing habits of the 4.5 million TiVo subscribers.

The data is correlated to what you are watching, seeing what commercials you fast-forward over, or scenes of a show you rewind to watch again.  Of course this is extraordinarily valuable information to an Ad agency, as it tells them exactly how much people hate those hideous Lillydale ads, or the execrable Head-On Apply an Axe to My Forehead campaign. 

I don’t own a TiVo, or any other Personal Video Recorder that is tied into a cable company or subscription service.  I don’t watch enough TV to make it worth my while.  I know that Grey’s Anatomy exists, but I’ve never seen it and my sports fix is more than capably satisfied by SpeedTV.

My question:  What controls are built into protecting your data?  Is there something in the End User Agreement, or the Subscription Agreement that allows the cable company to collect all kinds of data about your viewing habits?  Remember TiVo is selling your data for money, so why shouldn’t you make a buck off it too?  It is your data and unless you have allowed them to resell your viewing habit data, it is still yours.  Isn’t it?  No it isn’t.  The TiVo Agreement specifically allows them to collect Anonymous Viewing Information and share it with "affiliates and partners".

We’ve talked about data mining before, the ability to cross-tabulate broad statistical data with location data, income data and Credit Bureau data to develop a very accurate picture of your personality.  It is an inexact science, but is close enough to make privacy advocates a bit jittery. 

Consider this, cross tabulate the Credit Bureau reports for everyone in the L5A 4A1 thru 9 postal code, with the Ministry of Transport data on who owns what kind of car.  Overlay the Bell Canada data on phone use, again for a broad geographic area of L5A 4A1 thru 9.  Add in viewer data from Rogers Video on Demand or Pay Per View with Stats Canada Census data.  You now have a fairly comprehensive data construct of who lives in L5A 4A1 thru 9.  I happen to live in the area called L5A 4A3.  I would be the datapoint anomaly, waaay over there.

The tinfoil hat brigade is concerned that the Department of Homeland Paranoia, under the Patriot Act, can demand that data from any business.  Then Homeland Paranoia will cross tab viewing habits with security databases, like the No-Fly List and commercial employment screening databases like ChoicePoint. 

Will this find the Evildoers of Axis of Evil?  Not likely, as I would suspect that Osama Bin Laden probably has his TiVo subscription under a name like Raoul Duke or G. Walker Shrub, if he has a sense of humor. 

What it can do, however, is allow the government to collect more and more data.  They already monitor your banking, email and online behaviors, not to mention phone and cell phone calls. In the UK the number of video surveillance cameras in London and other large cities is approaching 10,000, most of which pan, tilt and zoom to watch suspicious people.  

Naturally the old FBI Carnivore email trap system would catch everything and anything.  It’s now called DCS-1000 but it does the same things.  Under the FCC’s CALEA (Communications Assistance for Law Enforcement Act) any ISP, VoIP provider or telco has to collect data if a Law Enforcement Agency says they have to.  

Echelon is a little more discriminating, or at least that’s what we’re told and there are significant controls on the data.  Why not walk up to CFS Leitrim (an Echelon site in the suburbs of Ottawa) and ask to see anything they might have on your email, or telex, fax or phone calls?  It will be an interesting conversation right up to the point that the RCMP puts the cuffs on your wrists. 

The danger of collecting all this data is the lack of control over who gets to use it and how they get to use it.  There is no mechanism to dispute contents, control access or to remove erroneous entries. 

Just for giggles, try to get something removed from your Credit Bureau file.  The Credit Bureau is interested in more data, not necessarily good data, so expect to see every letter and phone call to them documented in your file.  The mere fact that you dispute an entry from such an august and honourable organization as the Credit Bureau flags your file as a shit-disturber, which means someone who might want to hire you will see those entries too. 

To quote from the SF Chronicle article:  "I promise with my hand on a Bible that your data is not being archived and sold," said Todd Juenger, TiVo’s vice president and general manager of audience research and measurement. 

There was a quote from an article in the Guardian, regarding the UK police turning their surveillance cameras into various homes which went approximately "We wouldn’t do that."  As for the Department of Homeland Paranoia, well, they won’t talk about it, because of "National Security".

All of which comes back to the government asking us to trust them.  Let’s see.  Hmmn.  Is the phrase "Eff Off!" one of my choices?

 

 

Somehow we get these documents before they fall into the Shred-O-Matic.  I have had to do some editing, as the first 30 pages are boilerplate bureaucratese and I’m not wasting perfectly good bandwidth to post that kind of mind rot.  Here we go.

The Director of National Intelligence serves as the head of the Intelligence Community (IC), overseeing and directing the implementation of the National Intelligence Program and acting as the principal advisor to the President, the National Security Council, and the Homeland Security Council for intelligence matters.

(SEVERAL PAGES DELETED BECAUSE IT WILL BORE YOU TO TEARS)

NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE COUNCIL
Since its formation in 1973, the National Intelligence Council (NIC) has served as a bridge between the intelligence and policy communities, a source of deep substantive expertise on critical national security issues, and as a focal point for Intelligence Community collaboration. The NIC’s key goal is to provide policymakers with the best, unvarnished, and unbiased information. Its primary functions are to:
• Support the DNI in his role as Principal Intelligence Advisor to the President and other senior policymakers…

(SEVERAL MORE PAGES DELETED BECAUSE IT WILL BORE YOU TO WITHIN A MILLIMETRE OF SLITTING YOUR WRISTS)

NIEs are the DNI’s most authoritative written judgments concerning national security issues. They contain the coordinated judgments of the Intelligence Community regarding the likely course of future events.

(PAGES OF ASS-COVERING DELETED)

The NIEs are typically requested by senior civilian and military policymakers, Congressional leaders and at times are initiated by the National Intelligence Council (NIC). Before a NIE is drafted, the relevant NIO is responsible for producing a concept paper or terms of reference (TOR) and circulates it throughout the Intelligence Community for comment.

The NIC then meets to critique the draft before it is circulated to the broader IC. Representatives from the relevant IC agencies meet to hone and coordinate line-by-line the full text of the NIE. Working with their Agencies, reps also assign the level of confidence they have in each key judgment. IC reps discuss the quality of sources with collectors, and the National Clandestine Service vets the sources used to ensure the draft does not include any that have been recalled or otherwise seriously…

(MORE DELETIONS OF BUREAUCRATIC BUMFODDER) 

All NIEs are reviewed by National Intelligence Board, which is chaired by the DNI and is composed of the heads of relevant IC agencies. Once approved by the NIB, NIEs are briefed to the President and senior policymakers. The whole process of producing NIEs normally takes at least several months….

(FOR GOD’S SAKE, GET ON WITH IT!)

Key Judgments  (ABOUT BLOODY TIME!)

Iraq:  We are so screwed.

Iran:  See The -stans.

China:  We are so screwed.  Half the US is owned by China, the other half is being sold back to us through Wal-Mart, Target and CostCo.

North Korea:  Nuke’em back to the Stone Age.  Too late!  They’re already there!

Israel:  Ixnay alking tay about Srael-iay or Alestine-pay

Russia:  Vlad the Impaler is still there.  Don’t mention schools in Beslan or tea that glows in the dark.

The -stans:  Like we care about Paki, Afghani, Kazakh, Turkmeni and Absurdi

Britain:  Blair’s in the shit. Betty’s still the Queen.  Nobody has a dental plan.

France:  Bunch of Whiners

Germany:  Bunch of Whiners with Bratwursts

India:  There’s a great curry place in Georgetown, so India is friendly enough.

Spain:  Tapas Tuesday Two For One at El Rato Grande on K Street, so they must be OK, except they’re in that commie EU thing. 

Canada:  Bugs, trees, rocks and Alex Trebek

Africa:  Wasn’t there that film about Idi Amin down at the Multiplex?  And the women from National Geographic with the plates in their lips.

Nigeria:  We got an email from there and we’re sending $14 million dollars over to get $60 million dollars out of the country for their Minister of Spears and Shields.  Trustworthy enough. 

Mexico:  Same as South San Diego. Their Presidente asked the last person to leave Mexico to be sure to turn out the lights.  Ask around in Crawford next time.

Saudi Arabia:  Our wondrous friends, except for the Bad Bin Laden side of the family.

Madagascar:  The Axis of Evildoers of the Axis of Evil are all there.  Invade ASAP.

I think I see why it was a first draft.  Probably too in-depth for President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy in its current form.  I’m looking for the executive summary version right now and if I can find it, I’ll post it right away.  It probably starts with "Once upon a time there was a big, brave President named Jo Jo…" and Shotgun Dick read it to him a beddy-byes time.

 

 

The Dumb Bin is full, so it needs emptying.  It has been a particularly long week for dumb people.

We can start with the Paris Hilton video.  The heiress was filmed at New Years, dancing like a drunken debutante.  At one point she faces the camera and says something to the effect of "We’re dancing like a couple of niggers".  Hmmm.  No, actually you’re dancing like a drunk white girl who has about as much dancing ability as I do.  Which would be none. 

Of course the various groups are up in arms about the use of the the word "nigger", as they should be.  Not one dance group, regardless of racial affinity has come out to criticize her terpsichorean efforts.  Please Paris, don’t dance for the camera, as all you do is perpetuate stereotypes that White Folks Can’t Dance. 

Republican Sen. Joe Byden decided that he liked Barak Obama because he was the first African-American candidate who was smart, intelligent, clean and good looking. Byden has also just announced his running for President.  Let’s see.  Barak Obama is a clean African-American?  Meaning, what?  That Obama performs basic ablutions each day?  Or that he is clean of scandals? 

As for good-looking, well, yes, Barak Obama is a handsome man.  Unlike Joe Byden who has the pinched faced bitterness that only comes from years as a second-string walking verbal IED that is just as likely to detonate because it is Tuesday, as for any other reason.  That low, rumbling boom you heard was your campaign cratering Joe.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist has finally woken up and looked outside.  He’s asking the Fla. Legislature to spend more than $30 million to replace all the touch-screen vote-bots with paper Mark-Sense-type ballots by 2008.  At least he’s trying to de-Bush Florida election process, but he is cutting his personal campaign out of the largesse of Diebold. 

Oil giants Exxon Mobil and ConocoPhillips have posted their economic results.  Exxon reported profits of $39.5 Billion dollars.  ConocoPhillips was a more modest $15.55 Billion.  I’m not going to ask how much both companies got in tax breaks or incentives to drill holes in the planet, as any company that profitable should be willing to do their own exploration out of their own profits and not rely on government handouts.  Right?

President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy is going to ask Congress for just a bit over $100 Billion to continue to fund the war in Iraq and Afghanistan for the rest of this fiscal, plus an anticipated even larger whack to keep it going into fiscal 2008, which starts October 1st. 

Didn’t I read somewhere that the reconstruction of Iraq and the funding of the war was supposed to come directly from the oil revenue from Iraq?  Which makes me ask why Jo Jo the Idiot Boy has to suck the tax tit for $100 Billion to keep the guns and groceries going.  Or, was that just another in the series of lies fed to the US by their government.

Speaking of lies, occasionally the truth sneaks out:  "I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality."—Speaking on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007, is the Bushism of the Day from Slate.com.  I think I’m following here:  Shotgun Dick is a half-glass full mentality.  This means he’s drunk, as well as Undead.

Shubenacadie Sam, Wiarton Willie and Punxutawney Phil have all agreed:  Short Winter, Early Spring.  Ahh, at least there is some upside to global warming.  Ask me again in May when it hits 35 C with 99% humidity.

 

   

Time to catch up on what has happened with some stories in the past few months:

Maher Arar:  He was the Canadian whom the US decided to extradite off to Syria, because his Canadian passport said he was born in Syria.  After a year of torture and confinement, Maher Arar was eventually released back to Canada. 

An inquiry into the RCMP and the reasons Maher Arar got shipped to hell by a foreign government, turned out to be a tissue of lies, innuendo and unmitigated cattle manure.  The Commissioner of the RCMP, Guiliano Zaccardeli lost his job over it.  Even US Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) carved US A-G Alberto Gonzales a spare hole in open committee session over the piss-poor way Maher Arar got treated by the US and Canada.

Today, the PM, Stephen "Steve" Harper actually said the words:  "We’re sorry" and cut Maher Arar a cheque for $10.5 million.  Damn straight.  That’s a fair use of my tax dollars and I’m not being ironic.  Maher Arar got screwed and I hope he enjoys every cent. He still can’t fly to the US, but with ten and a half extra large I could live with that.

Alexander Litvinenko:  The British Cops have found a radioactively hot teapot at the Millennium Hotel in London.  Sources say the cops are going to bring charges against Andrei Lugovoi an ex-spook who had tea with Litvinenko on November 1st last year. 

The teapot reading was "off the charts" for Polonium-210.  Of course the interview was in Russia and the FSB (KGB-Lite) is adamantly denying anything to do with murdering Litvinenko with a radioactive isotope. 

George Bush:  This clip from Associated Press, datelined today:   President Bush, on a collision course with Congress over Iraq, said Friday "I’m the decision-maker" about sending more troops to the war. He challenged skeptical lawmakers not to prematurely condemn his buildup.

"I’ve picked the plan that I think is most likely to succeed," Bush said in an Oval Office meeting with senior military advisers.

He’s become the Decider again, which means his attempts at getting along with the elected representatives has lasted, oh, 48 hours.  Cowboy Diplomacy gets back in the saddle. 

I can’t wait until the same ghouls who keep Cheney and Rove alive, decide to resurrect General Curtis LeMay to handle the Iran, Iraq, India, Pakistan and North Korea situations.  Perhaps the Global Nuclear Winter will be offset by the Global Warming.

Kousin Karl:   This from MSNBC today:  White House anxiety is mounting over the prospect that top officials—including deputy chief of staff Karl Rove and counselor Dan Bartlett-may be forced to provide potentially awkward testimony in the perjury and obstruction trial of Lewis (Scooter) Libby.

Both Rove and Bartlett have already received trial subpoenas from Libby’s defense lawyers, according to lawyers close to the case who asked not to be identified talking about sensitive matters.

Awkward testimony?  Not a chance.  Even if the prosecutors produce live video and sound of Irving Scooter Libby being told by Karl and Shotgun Dick, to "fuck Plame over until Joe plays ball with the yellowcake and Saddam" the potential for awkwardness is slim to none. 

At that level of power, perjury is common coin of the realm.  Jo Jo The Idiot Boy would probably give them either immunity, or a big, fat pardon.  After all, anyone who doesn’t believe every single word that Karl says is from the Right Hand of God, is a terrorist, in league with Osama and the Axis of Evil Evildoers of the Axis of Evil. 

Thanks to John Ashcroft and now Alberto Gonzales, the government can do whatever the hell they want to, as long as you are suspicious.  Not believing Karl, or Dick, is obviously suspicious.  Do make sure you get the right size of orange jumpsuit for your trip to GitMo.

If Irving Scooter Libby had a lick of sense, he’d do a John Dean.  Ari Fleischer has already cut an immunity deal with the prosecutors, so why can’t Irving?  Perhaps Federal subpoenas for any and all recordings from Karl’s office and Shotgun Dick’s office?  That would exonerate Scooter, as just the messenger boy. 

Let’s start another Watergate-style fight over the tapes now, if only so that we can have something to watch on TV this summer, rather than reruns of American Idol. 

Sheep:  WELLINGTON, N.Z. (AP) – New Zealanders’ love affair with sheep gained official recognition Friday when the agriculture minister declared Feb. 15 "National Lamb Day."

New Zealand has four million human inhabitants and 60 million sheep. Agriculture Minister Jim Anderton suggested New Zealanders have no reason to be embarrassed about their sheep population and said Lamb Day would mark the 125th anniversary of the first shipment of frozen meat from New Zealand to London.

"We hope all New Zealanders will recognize this meat industry milestone and mark it by enjoying lamb for dinner on Feb. 15, to celebrate 125 years of meat exports," Anderton said.

Oh, come on.  You know you want to.  I know I’m tasting blood from biting my tongue.  Do remember that bestiality is illegal, even in Washington State now. 

Kids, Bestiality with Sheep is Baaaaad. 

Sorry, I had to. 

 

 

There’s just too many fake documents around these days, but I wish this one was true.

DA: Your name for the record is?

SL: I. Lewis Libby, Junior…

DA:  No, I’m not asking you to take an oath, I just want to enter your name in the record Mister Libby

SL: Its is I. Lewis Libby Junior, that’s my name, Aye

DA: I as in in the initial I?

SL: Aye

DA: You mean I as in yes, or I as in I

SL: Aye, I…

DA: Judge will you instruct this witness so we can at least find out what his name is please?

DEF: I Object!

Judge: Over ruled, The Witness will give his full name

SL: I. Lewis Libby Junior

Judge: Do you not have a first name sir?

SL: Aye, no, I do

DA: Will you tell us what it is then?

SL: Aye I will…

DEF: I Object, badgering the witness

Judge:  Over ruled, he’s not a witness yet, as we’re trying to get to the point where we can enter his name in the record first, then, swear him in, then you can object all you want, is that OK?

DEF: Aye! Thank you

Judge:  I’m going to do this slowly Mister Libby.  What is your first name, the one that appears on your driver’s license?  You understand me?

SL: Aye, I do. Aye

DA:  Your Honor, will you tell the witness, er, soon-to-be witness that even though he’s dressed like a Scotsman, it is a bit disturbing to see him with his, um, kilt, um, er, misadjusted

Judge:  What?  Oh Holy Hannah!  Mister Libby!

SL: Aye?

Judge:  I know that Knowlton versus the Supreme Court upholds the right of defendants to wear elements of dress that are important to their cultural heritage and religion.  This means that you can wear a full dress kilt to court, but Mister Libby, please remember that you are wearing a garment that may allow members of the jury or the court to inadvertently see parts of your anatomy that you should not have on display

SL: Aye?  I can? 

Judge:  Yes you can.  Do you not feel a breeze Mister Libby?

SL: Aye, Noooo.

DEF:  I Object

Judge: Over ruled.  Mister Prosecutor, help me here.

DA:  Mister Libby, you are wearing a kilt, correct?

SL: Aye

DA: Judge, I’m…just not…I’m, um, errr…

Judge:  Clerk of the Court, please

Clerk:  You’re Regimental you great pillock! Close your friggin’ legs.  We can see your hairy balls clear back to your arsehole!

SL:  OH!  Aye, I am Regimental.  Sorry.

Judge:  Thank you Clerk.  I appreciate you promptness in this matter.  Now, where were we.  Ah yes.  Mister Libby, what is your first name, the full name as it appears on your driver’s license

SL: It’s I, Aye it is I.

Judge:  Mister Libby, I’m going to go out on a limb here. 

DEF:  I Object!

Judge: You what?!?!

DEF: Oh, um…I…never mind.

Judge: Mister Libby, I’m going to ask you a direct question that I require a direct answer for, do you understand me?

SL: Aye, I do

Judge:  Are you Scottish?

SL: Aye, well, nooo, I’m not…

Judge:  Where were you born then?

SL:  New Haven, Connecticut

Judge:  So you’re not Scottish at all then?

SL: Not technically, no, Aye

Judge:  Not even a little bit Scottish?

SL: Nooo

Judge: But your dressed in a tartan kilt, high stockings, a flouncy shirt and wearing a tam?

SL: Well, yes. I am.  Aye.

Judge:  May I ask why?

SL:  It is, well, it is Robbie Burns’ Day.

Judge: Oh Aye it is! Well then, now were getting somewhere.  Mister Libby, what is your first name?

SL: (unintelligible)

Judge:  Could you speak up sir? 

SL:  Irving

Judge: So your full name is Irving Lewis Libby Junior.

SL: Aye

Judge:  Cut that out, you’re not Scottish!

SL: Yes… its Irving, goddamn it!  IRVING!  Are you happy now!

Judge:  Mister District Attorney, are you happy?

DA: Aye!

Judge: Defense Counsel, are you happy?

DEF: Aye, but I Obj….Aye…

Judge: Clerk of the Court?  Are you happy?

Clerk: Nooo.  What kind of an idiot mother names a Scottish child Irving.  His name should be Gordon or Kieran.  Bloody Hell, Aye I am not happy your Honor!  But as long as he keeps his bloody legs together, I have no objection Aye.

Judge:  Aye! Heard and noted Clerk.  The Court will adjourn until after Robbie Burns’ Day and reconvene tomorrow at Nine a.m, when Mister Libby will not be talking with a fake Scottish accent and we will all swear the defendant in, under his full name of Irving Lewis Libby Junior. Aye?

Clerk:  All rise!

Â
 

 

I watched the State O’ Da Union Address with President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy last night, having read the text of his blather earlier. Let’s look at the challenges:

He’s deeply screwed when it comes to the war in Iraq.  The game is lost.  There were no WMD’s.  There were no linkages between Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.  The CIA provided that which has been discovered to be manufactured or well-shined ‘evidence’ that has resulted in more than 3,000 soldiers being killed for no sound reason, except the Boss wanted to be The War President. 

New Orleans is still a festering mess of a third-world disaster area.  Everyone remembers the "Brownie, you’re doin a hell of a job" clip, about three days before Brownie got his ass handed to him for a hat.

Scooter Libby started his hearings yesterday.  If Libby had a lick of sense, he’d pull a John Dean and spill his guts.  Cheney and Rove don’t want to see Libby anywhere near a court, as the stories he could tell would surely curdle the coffee of half of the Republican party

Tom DeLay, Randy "Duke" Cunningham and Jack Abramoff.  Nuff’ said about the other half of the Republican party.  By the way, Randy Cunningham’s website is still up, the last posting being 11-18-05.  Cunningham is also known as Inmate 94405-198 in Tucson, AZ, while Jack Abramoff is either "mah beeyotch" or Inmate 27593-112 in Cumberland, MD, depending on whom you talk to.

The Military Industrial Complex has sucked so hard on the public tax tit that the wallet in Washington is flatter than a woodchuck under the wheels of a a five-ton truck full of undocumented workers.  The money is going to run out soon, so the boys have the milking machine turned up to 11.

Internationally, the US is looked upon like the village syphilitic:  Doomed, diseased and undesirable.   

China has shot one of its own satellites out of the sky to prove they can play with the big boys in space.  North Korea, is, well, it still is.  India has landed one of their own satellites without it turning into a gob of molten metal.  This gives Pakistan a case of the Fear.  A great combination that, a military junta that can’t find their own borders or stop anyone from getting in or out, even if they stop at the customs shack and list their occupation as "terrorist".  Then give both sides nukes.

Russia is playing The Clapper (Clap On – Clap Off) with oil in Europe and cranking up the KGB again just to bring a sense of fun to international politics.  Britain is turned inward as the Blair government lurches toward a leadership convention to figure out who is going to lead Labour into the toilet in the next UK Election.  Right now, the UK Conservatives could run a Weimeraner in a necktie and win a majority.

Hugo Chavez delights in telling Bush to eat shit and die, while shipping tankers of furnace oil to the US, gratis, to keep the citizens from freezing to death.  Iran’s Prime Minister keeps yelling "You suck!" at the US. 

Then there is the original sinner, Osama Bin Laden, who still drives a cab in Pittsburgh and has his own myspace site where his buddies post videos.  The technological might of the US military and security services still can’t find a six foot six Arab man with a dialysis machine strapped to his back.  

At least Castro is sick and will probably die soon, so Rove can claim, using the Presidential Meat Puppet, that"Commie-nizm Is Dead and the Axis of Evil is losing" while standing under a banner of "Mission Accomplished" in front of a Cuban sandwich shop in Miami.   

As you can see, up front, Jo Jo The Idiot Boy is behind on points. 

Into the middle of this mess comes The Decider Who Decides the Deciding.  He skulks into the Congress to deliver a State of the Union Address.  No more glorious high-fives and screaming Senators begging to kiss the hem of His garment.  Dubya looked like he wasn’t entirely convinced he should be there, but was going to put the squeeze on the widow to buy the deluxe aluminum siding, rather than the standard.  Maybe he’d win the set of steak-knives for Second place in the sales contest. 

President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy couldn’t order a Happy Meal without Karl Rove writing it down for him.  We got to hear what Karl and Dick have come up with to ensure the Legacy of The President who is actually rated lower than Richard Nixon just before Nixon did his own Saigon in 1974. 

So what did those two punks come up with?  A tax break for health care that adds up to jack squat, as the existing private insurers are already making sure their basic premiums will almost exactly match the dollars given back with the tax cut for the nine people who actually can get the tax break.  Of course, there must be medical liability tort reform, to save those poor doctors and hospitals from frivolous lawsuits.

When it comes to the Migra, he’s going to toss more bodies and technology at it but also do a temporary foreign worker program designed to keep out ‘drug smugglers and terrorists’.  Plus, he wants to create a new, documented, slave class, rather than the undocumented slave class he’s currently working with. 

Jo Jo The Idiot Boy called for even more technology to be thrown at conservation and reducing the dependence on foreign oil that them terrorists could turn off.  By 2017, he wants to see 35 million barrels in renewable energy, meaning ten years from now. But, at the same time, he wants to see the Strategic Petroleum Reserves to double ASAP, which means more drilling, preferably through the head of a polar bear in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, starting next Thursday.

Then came the shocker:  He said the word Global Climate Change out loud.  Then he said America is Addicted to Oil.  To quote Raoul Duke, "Kazart!"

Now this is not really news.  President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy has moved his lips to conservation before, starting back in 2001.  Same with tort reform, immigration reform, health care reform and all the rest of his pusillanimous applause lines.  At least this time he didn’t demand the right to nuke North Korea and Iran to get the right-wing nabobs up on their hind feet clapping like apes in a shock cage.  It means nothing:  He doesn’t know what he’s saying.

Meanwhile up in the cheap seats, meaning where the Vice-President and the Speaker of the House sit, you could butter the tension on your toast.  Pelosi was at least striving to be gracious, wearing a pasted-on smile that could only be accomplished with epoxy and a bent coat-hanger inside her mouth.  Fortunately she was sitting far enough away from the Vice-President to not be at risk of having to perform CPR on the Undead. 

Shotgun Dick Cheney looked like he’d rather be performing testicular surgery on himself with a pair of rusty linesman’s pliers.  You know Cheney is trying to find a way to invite Donald Rumsfeld out for an afternoon of duck hunting. 

Speaking of Rummy, one of the original four of the Terror Trust, he’s now being compared to Robert McNamara, the micromanaging, meddling, money man who pored over individual bombing targets with LBJ in the 60’s.  Rumour has it, if Rummy had his way, he would have outsourced the whole Iraqi war to Blackwater Security:  Most of the rest of it was already in the hands of KBR, Halliburton, DynCorp and Triple Canopy.

At the end of the dog and pony show, what did we really see, learn or hear that was new, or showed some kind of accommodation for the can of WhoopAss the voters unleashed on the Republicans?  Nothing.  No points scored. On the ten-point must, with three judges:  World 30, Dubya 0.  He’s still ruling like the Bill of Rights, the Constitution and even the Magna Carta don’t apply to him, after all he’s Dubya and he’s been to college!  

Jo Jo The Idiot Boy is still all noblesse and no obliege.  More correctly, Karl and Dick are all noblesse and no obliege, as Dubya is too dumb to string the American people along with this many sound-bites in any coherent order.  It almost makes me long for the old days of Ari Fleisher.

 

 

 

Somehow this desk has received a transcript of an international telephone call between Nori al-Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister and George W. Bush.  I never know how this stuff shows up, but I have copied it over, warts and all:

NaM:  Good evening Mister President

GWB: Well, howdy Norrie, how’s things going over there.  Didja have any problems gettin a dial tone?

NaM: No, Mister President, the telephone system works well from the Prime Minister’s residence, as your contractors have done a fine job in hanging the wires.

GWB: Glad to hear it Norrie, now what can I hep you with tonight?

NaM:  It is the surge, as you call it, of troops to our country.  We have several issues with the number and strength of the escalation…

GWB:  Surge Norrie, surge, It ain’t no escalatoring…

NaM:  Yes, Mister President, the surge of troops that you have spoke so well of.  It is, well it is causing difficulties for us in our relations with the various groups in Iraq

GWB:  I ain’t followin Norrie.  Y’all tellin’ me somethin and I ain’t hearin you

NaM:  Yes Mister President.  Let me be frank for a moment….

GWB:  Good idear!  Put Frank on the phone.  He’ll explain what y’all lookin for

NaM:  No Mister President,  there is no one named Frank here.   I mean that I am going to speak with unclouded honesty and forthrightfulness…

GWB:  Oh?  (To someone else in the room:  Fucked if I know Dick, (unintelligible) carpet-jockey)

NaM:  It is the number of the troops Mister President.  It would seem to be insufficient.

GWB: Now what do y’all mean by insufficient Norrie?  Hell, we’re sendin 21,500 of the finest troops we’ve got in the Fight for Freedom for the Freedom Loving Peoples of Iraq for Freedom!

Nam:  Mister President, there are not enough troops being sent to the areas that are requiring the use of armored patrols to bestill the insurgents.  We require more troops to Anbar province and to the southern provinces, where the insurgents are most bold. 

GWB:  Ahh I’m not quite gettin that Norrie.  You’re tellin me you want more troops to be sent to a province?  Hold on a darn minute there…we’re not fightin in Canada are we? (To someone else in the room Jesus Dick, you didn’t tell me they were goin to Canada did you?  (unintelligible) They got oilsands?  How many barrels a day?  (unintelligible)  Well, that’s different then… (unintelligible) Yeah, Yeah, I will)  

NaM:  Mister President?  Are you there? 

GWB:  Uh…Yeppers Norrie.  I’m here.  So y’all want to send them troops somewheres else is what you tellin me right?

NaM:  It is not my intention to tell you how to deploy your forces Mister President, but I feel that I should ensure that you are comprehending the importance of the urgency.

GWB:  I surely do Norrie.  The Freedom Loving Peoples of Iraq want to Enjoy the Freedom that only Freedom can bring without the interference of the Axis of Evil and the Evildoers of the Axis of Evil.

NaM:  Mister President, it is of the utmost importance that the Iraqi Police be sufficiently armed to counter these insurgent forces.  Which is why I would respectfully request your military representatives provide us with the weapons to allow us to defend ourselves.

GWB:  You tellin me you ain’t got enough guns Norrie?  (To someone else in the room:  He sez he ain’t got enough guns Dick.  Can we sell him some? (unintelligible) Yeah, through Haliburton if you want to, but spread it around this time.)

NaM:  We feel that our police forces could control the situation better than your offer of a surge of troops Mister President.

GWB:  Now you’re not plannin on using them guns on Shiites or Sooners or whatever the hell tribe you ain’t in, are you Norrie?

Nam:  Never Mister President, that would never be our intention to establish a theocracy based on the membership of a particular religious branch.  You have my word.

GWB:  Jes as long as we’re clear on that Norrie, as I wouldn’t want to see nothin like that happening on my watch, after all I am the Decider and I’m the President Who Decides.

NaM:  Of course Mister President. 

GWB:  (To someone else in the room  By Tuesday?  Hell, that’s good service.  (unintelligible)  Y’all tell them that Blackwater has to do the training though.  Karl said so. (unintelligible) Them Iraqi cops don’t know which end of a rifle to look down.  Give the boys some of them 50 cals too, but they gotta pay retail for the training.)  Hey, Norrie, do y’all want ammunition with them guns?

NaM:  I think it would be prudent Mister President, as a gun without ammunition is like a camel without legs, as the saying goes in my village.

GWB:  Jeeze Norrie, you guys crack me up.  We’ll git er done for you right smartly and send you the bill. 

NaM:  Mister President, regarding the surge of troops, then…

GWB:  Yeah?  They’re the cream of the crop Norrie…

NaM:  With the weapons and our existing police infrastructure Mister President, we believe we could handle the bold insurrectionists on our own.

GWB:  You mean you won’t need them?  Is that true Norrie? (To someone else in the room  He says he don’t need em Dick  (unintelligible) Iraq, Iran, I can’t keep em straight anymore.  (unintelligible) They’re already there?  Fuck.  (unintelligible) Could redeploy ’em to Niagra Falls you know (unintelligible) They’re a bunch of sneaky shitheels speakin French too.  They didn’t tell us nothin about no oilsands either! (unintelligible)  Good fishin up there (unintelligible) OK I will)

NaM:  Mister President?

GWB:  Right here Norrie.  OK, we’ll pull em back and ship the guns by FedEx.  That hold you over?

NaM:  It has been a pleasure dealing with you Mister President

GWB:  And a real pleasure here too.  I sure did like that joke about the camel too.

NaM:  And give my regards to your family Mister President.  Thank you for taking my call.

GWB:  I’ll tell Laura you said howdy.  Bye now!

NaM:  Thank You Mister President

 

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