RoadDave

Our esteemed Prime Minister Stephen "Steve" Harper has been going out of his way to twist the nostrils of his political opposition, threatening another Federal Election.

Harper is a political bully of the Rumsfeld and Cheney class of manipulative control freaks who needs to micro manage anything and everything, subsequently managing nothing.  This perfectly sums up the last two years of federal governance in Canada.  The government sent out a press release saying nothing has changed and they’re right.  Our lapdog media naturally published the press release in its’ entirety making sure that all Canadians know that nothing has changed. 

This could be construed as a good thing, but what it truly shows is the utter lack of imagination in our media and our politicians.  Now Harper is lining up to run another Federal election up the Canadian colon.

Harper is the US historical equivalent of Herbert Hoover, or Silent Cal Coolidge, a fiscal conservative, a bible-thumper and as communicative as a box of rocks.  For years he’s wanted to be George Bush’s buddy, to the point of the rest of Canada cringed when Bush came to town:  Harper would usually spend the week after a Bush visit in the hospital, getting his cheeks puffed back out from sucking so hard.

The alternatives facing the Canadian voter are:

Stephane Dion of the Liberals (semi-Democrats for the US readers) who is recognized on the streets of Ottawa by seven or eight people.  Outside of Ottawa, voters know he exists but couldn’t pick him out of a police line up.  He might as well be in the witless protection program.  No that’s not a typo.  The Liberals, the at-one-time Natural Ruling Party of Canada, couldn’t organize a two-car funeral these days.

Jack Layton of the New Democratic Party (Social Democrat-near-Socialist in US context) looks like the supervisor of the Meat Department at your local Safeway.  His party has a couple of good ideas but is fighting with one hand behind their back, as their leader is charisma-challenged.  Jack looks like he longs to be back amongst the blade steaks and the roasts. 

Gilles Duceppe is the leader of the Bloc Quebecois, a regional party with mono-mania and an inability to change the subject.  Outside of Quebec, the citizens of Canada look at Duceppe as one looks upon a mentally challenged cousin:  We wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a Silver at the Special Olympics in the 200 meter drool.

There is also Elizabeth May of the Green Party.  She’s almost lifelike but still hasn’t got a seat in Parliament, despite some reasonable attempts and has no prospect of getting a seat unless an entire riding in British Columbia decides to drink the bong water on election day.

Meanwhile, the humble citizens go about their business, hoping that Harper gets back on his meds and stops this foolishness of asking for an election.  We don’t want one.  The alternatives to Harper are so confused, unexciting and inappropriate that voting will only be allowed for those who have taken a course of Immodium and have put a wooden clothespin on their nose before marking their X.

Let us now dissect the past month and a half of US Politics in a few hundred well chosen words.

President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy has kept a very low profile as a lame-duck President, as he should.  He’s still an idiot of the first water:  Even the National Association of Village Idiots are offended by his very existence. 

With Cheney cooped up in the Undisclosed Location, dining alone on human flesh now that Karl Rove is gone, Cheney is contemplating the seating arrangements in Hell.  I suspect that Cheney is wondering if he will be seated next to Vlad the Impaler or Ed Gein.

Barack Obama has become the Blessed One for the Democratic party after a somewhat civilized battle with Hillary Clinton.  So far the Dems have not imploded into fractious battle groups clawing at each other.  Obama is not the ideal choice, but since Hillary would not take the VP seat, which would have been an almost perfect political storm, Obama and Biden is still a solid ticket with a few caveats.

Joe Biden is a walking verbal IED.  The sooner the Democratic party straps a ball gag on him, the more likely the Obama-Biden ticket will win.  Biden is a very intelligent and very experienced legislator with the foreign policy chops that Obama needs to win, but Biden should only be transported to public events in the Hannibal Lecter mask and restraints wardrobe.  When it comes to back-room dealing, Biden is the go-to guy, but don’t let him out in public.

John McCain is running as far away from the Bush Brownshirts as fast as his feet can carry him.  I have a certain fondness for McCain, despite his party affiliation, as he occasionally talks sense. 

I will even admit that the best government that the United States could have for the next four to eight years would be John McCain as President with Barack Obama as Vice-President.  It would be a good mix of strength and compassion while repairing the eight years of Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rumsfeld running roughshod over everyone who wasn’t on their personal speed-dials.

Sarah Palin is an interesting unknown.  I’m not going to throw her under the bus yet, despite her inexperience.  Paired up with McCain now, she will be a force to be reckoned with in 2016 as long as she doesn’t take herself too seriously and learns the ropes from a veteran like John McCain.  Palin is the future of the Republican party and actually appears to be an almost normal member of Republican society. 

Notice I qualified that:  Almost Normal and Republican.  I don’t like her position on oil drilling, the environment and her bible-thumping, but that doesn’t mean Palin isn’t a bad choice.  Palin might turn out to be a choice of exceptional wisdom for the future that the Bush-dominated Republican party could never foresee.

Now to call it.  Obama and Biden and a Democratic majority, but McCain and Palin will make a very good showing. 

I’m also going to predict it might even be a civilized campaign, as the race isn’t going to be close enough for the Republicans to go nasty right away.  Besides, the Republicans know that if they do go nasty, their slate is weak. 

The Democrats also should know that a lot of voters might cut Palin a fair amount of slack, so unleashing Biden on Palin would cause a backlash that would cost the Dems the White House.  Circumstances almost force both sides to give up negative campaigning and talk about, God forbid, policy and platform.

What the final result mean is that the Republicans, even if they lose, are moving into the future, instead of living in 1976.  The Democrats had best adapt quickly, as they’re still stuck in a 1960 Kennedy Camelot dreamland.

This election is where the bench strength and the new blood for the future is groomed.  Watch for the new names in Congress and the Senate.

Today is the 141st birthday of Canada.  For those south of the 49th, July 4th, is the American equivalent of Canada Day. Which is reason enough for some consideration of What It Means To Be Canadian.

First off, being Canadian means you’re considered ‘safe’ by the rest of the world, from the standpoint of imperialism, wars, oil, food and the rest of the other nonsense.  In many countries a Canadian passport means the Customs folks wave you through with barely a cursory inspection. 

Second:  An impression by others that you’re boring.  Which is fine, as it allows us to keep under the radar, get things done and get out with nary a ripple.  Sure, we’re the New Zealand or Switzerland of North America.  We like it.

Third:  An inbred appreciation of food that includes:  Pot stickers, perogies, onion bhaji, curried goat roti, hommus, gelato, ‘cue, tea, rum and beer.  Our multicultural nature means you don’t stick to one type of cuisine, your plate is an international buffet and the salad bar is a forty-foot long agglomeration of everything.  By the way, that’s what the white folks eat.  Persons of different heritages have an appreciation for even more stuff that you can’t pronounce.

Four:  You don’t declare bankruptcy if you break your ankle.  We have cradle to grave health care.  Yes, it’s not perfect and in some ways downright crap, but it’s head and shoulders above the rest of the world.  We pay for it in higher taxes, but not as high as Scandinavian countries, for instance.

Five:  You don’t have to worry about approaching the cops, unlike other countries where the police are the biggest group of thieves and killers.  You might get hit with a Taser for no good reason, but generally, the police is on our side.  The politicians suck in Canada, like everywhere else.

Six:  The CBC is second to no one as an international broadcaster of repute. 

Seven:  Familiarity with Chez Helene, The Friendly Giant, Mr Dressup, Gordon Lightfoot, Anne Murray, Glenn Gould, Oscar Peterson, Robbie Robertson, Neil Young, Robert Charlebois, Chilliwack, Stompin’ Tom Connors, Geddy Lee, Kim Mitchell, Rene Simard, Great Big Sea, Bare-Naked Ladies, The Tragically Hip, Take 30, Knowlton Nash, Harvey Kirk, Lorne Green, about half of Hollywood, the X-Files and Trailer-Park Boys.

Eight:  We’re really sorry about Celine Dion.  All of us.

Nine:  The White House.  It wouldn’t be white if we hadn’t kicked your ass in the War of 1812 with a half a battalion of regular soldiers and a another half battalion of piss-drunk militia members who were just looking for a good fight, then a beer-up.  Since there was nothing to do after invading Washington, some of the militia members figured burning down the President’s residence would be a great way to spend a Saturday night, after getting their drink on.

Ten:  Canadian Forces 431 Demonstration Squadron.  Also known as the Snowbirds, they fly ancient subsonic training jets with a precision and skill that is unbelievable.  The Blue Angels pilots love to hitch rides with the Snowbirds because they know our folks bring it.  The best place to see the Snowbirds is on Canada Day on Parliament Hill at noon with 299,999 of your closest friends.

Eleven:  Mumbling the words to our national anthem, O Canada.

Twelve:  Honestly, we’re really, really sorry about Celine Dion.  Really.  Cross our hearts.

Thirteen:  Curling, Ice Hockey and Lacrosse.  The only international sport (Curling) where drinking is considered an essential part of the game. Bareknuckle fistfights with the occasional hockey game describes the national pasttime.  Then there is Lacrosse which makes tough sports like Aussie Rules Football and Rugby look like needlepoint conventions with big audiences.  The only folks who aren’t scared of lacrosse are the would-be suicides who play jai lai. 

Fourteen:  We do lists like this every Canada Day, if only to reassure ourselves that Canada is a nice place.

Happy Canada Day eh?

Sunday evening George Carlin cashed in his chips and left this world a less intelligent place.  Carlin, if you were born last week, was a gifted comic and a gifted observer of the world that we call home.  He was extraordinarily funny, but the edge of George Carlin over other comics was the nugget of truth that he managed to sneak into his material. 

Jerry Seinfeld, as a contrast, is also very funny, but Seinfeld’s comedy is not there to change your point of view.  Carlin’s was overtly political.  He looked at the universe with slightly distrustful eyes, a dash of common-sense and a 50,000 watt bullshit detector that he kept in his pants pocket, usually set on "Stun".

There are very few who can balance laughter and wisdom at the same time.  Carlin was one.  He will be missed.

You reach a point where you truly want to opt out of being aware of your surroundings some weeks.  This would be one of them.  Work requirements have taken all the brain cycles until now, so I caught up on the News, such as it is.

The favourite is the continuing discovery of severed human feet washing up on the British Columbia shore, occasionally encased in footwear.  Five so far, as the last one was a hoax.  Which makes me wonder when we’ll see a floating eyebrow, a half a buttock and one shoulder come to land.  If one were to ask Dick Cheney, he’d suggest that a gang of terrorists is trying to sneak into Canada, one piece at a time. 

Speaking of discoveries, the Mars Phoenix project, the little Meccano Set That Could, has confirmed that there is water ice on Mars, just below the surface of the dirt.  The Mars Bartending Rover in 2010 will look for Gin, tonic and small paper umbrellas as further proof that there was, or is, intelligent and civilized life on Mars.

Airlines generally have decided that the end is nigh.  With fuel prices through the overhead storage bins, the airlines have no choice but to add bigger fuel surcharges to your ticket.  Overheard on the job this week, a family of four travelling to the UK on frequent flyer miles get to pay nearly $2,000 in fuel surcharges, taxes, fees and other pickpocketings added to the ‘free’ frequent flyer tickets. 

Why don’t the airlines just give up the pretence and charge the travelling public the actual price it costs for the flight, plus a profit of 3% and be done with it?  Yes, that will mean the end of a $150 one-way ticket to London, but so what?  Flying is as bad as intercity bus transport used to be, including the stench of the lavatories and the wall-eyed passenger in 11C who talks to himself about the voices in his head.  

Which brings up a small story of a United Airlines pilot yesterday.  He was overheard engaged in a heated exchange in Salt Lake City with someone on his cell phone.  After the flight buttoned up, he came on the PA and announced that he was too upset to fly to Denver on flight 416 and that passengers would be accommodated on other flights.  The pilot did what he should:  If he’s not up to the high precision task of flying for whatever reason, you step away from the yoke.  Good for him.  There will be jokes galore, but so what?  He did the right thing in not endangering his passengers.

Then we have the entire Midwest US under water, at least according to the news outlets.  Which means there will be grain shortages, not enough gas, or ethanol, or soybeans, therefore all prices must go up.  Even if everything was just peachy in the Midwest, the news outlets would declare some kind of emergency (Q-Tip shortage in Quincy, Ill.  Oil Prices Surge on News!) that will result in footage on the 6:00 of people lining up at gas stations and Wal-Mart stocking up on gas and Q-Tips.

Now that Hilary has jumped out of the plane (She was in seat 11D) we are left with the pundit class examining Barack Obama and John McCain through the wrong end of the telescope.  Both candidates are going to agree to a live, broadcast, sigmoidoscopic examination to see exactly who is up their respective asses. 

If Obama had a lick of sense he’d wear a Confederate Flag on his lapel while Johnny Mac would be seen diddy-boppin’ oldskool to "Baby Got Back" with white ear buds leading to an iPod in his suit pocket. 

Let’s leave the pundits jangled and twitching on the studio floors of CNN, Fox"News" and the three majors as they try to make sense of those particular images from the campaign trail.   Perhaps a deuce from the grid will fall on Paul Begala or Ann Coulter, or maybe both at once, if we’re really lucky.

Meanwhile, the tomato crops in the US are filled with shit.  Really.  The e.coli bacteria comes from fecal matter in the water used to rinse off the produce before shipping.  Which explains why I have a very large tomato plant on the balcony, promising me nice, clean, organically grown vine ripened tomatoes in another 50 or so days.  I was considering growing some onions, peppers and cilantro too.  The objective was to grow my own salsa, but I ran out of time and motivation if the truth be known.

My next career is gong to be the guy who does the chalk outlines of the bodies at crime scenes.  You meet quiet people and get to put ‘artist’ on your business card. 

If one can believe what our governments are up to, which is a stretch, I know, one would want our government to be forward looking, right?  Airport Security Theatre is one of those places where we get to see what our governments drink at lunch.

This article in the New Scientist, talks about a prototype European system to mount a camera in every seatback to monitor the passengers’ facial expressions for signs of potential terrorist activity.  The high concept is that those under extreme stress exhibit facial expressions that a computer can read and flag.  As well, the computer program will identify those loitering near the cockpit or running in the aisles of the aircraft, along with "other predetermined indicators that suggest a developing threat."

Consider this:  Face recognition software has been in use at sporting events, like the Salt Lake City Olympics, the World Series and the Super Bowl to identify miscreants, terrorists, left-leaning Democrats and other evildoers of the Axis of Evil Doers of Evil Axis, since 2000, give or take

Consider this: There are barely 14 citizens per each police Closed Circuit TV Camera in the United Kingdom.  The UK has a population of just over 60 million. Miami, Chicago, New York City and other large American collections of humanity have embraced the Surveillance Society mantra with equal gusto. 

Consider this:  In George Orwell’s 1984 a citizen could commit facecrime in the Two-Minutes Hate by not protesting loudly enough, therefore citizens learned to have the appropriate expression on their visages at all times.

Which leads us back to the original article in the New Scientist and cameras in aircraft seatbacks watching you for twitches, flinches or other facial quirks that may indicate your hidden terrorist agenda while flying from Luton to Antwerp.

There are three unplanned consequences of continuous airborne passenger surveillance.  First, you will find that terrorists will get their faces Botox’ed solid so they don’t betray their hidden agenda.  Look at Nicole Kidman or Joan Rivers as two examples of faces that cannot move.

Second, the Air Security folks will have hours and hours of video of celebs, the well-heeled and the famous, picking their noses, getting the gunk out from between their teeth and snoring open-mouthed on longer trips.  In the case of some passengers there will be tape of them complaining mightily about the service. then bashing their assistants over the head with a cellphone and calling the flight attendants whores, sluts and trash eaters.  This would be in the Naomi Campbell section. 

Third, if you can fit a camera, you can fit a microphone.  Not only will the Authorities have hours of you face, but every business meeting, confidential chat or rude aside with a seatmate will be heard and recorded, aside from scanning your mug for terrorist-twitches.  Muttering under you breath about the in-flight movie (Happy Gilmour) or not being properly appreciative of the level of service you are being grudgingly offered by the airline (Wow! Almost a full 4 oz cup of water!) can get your butt arrested.

So, in keeping with the logic of the Security Forces, since they can conceivably find the terrorists by watching for twitches, all terrorists will get Botoxed before a flight.  Therefore we must arrest all doctors and clinicians who provide Botox injections, as they may well be in league with the Evildoers. 

However that doesn’t mean we’re home (-land security) free.  No siree!  We’ll have to post 24 hour guards on plastic surgery clinics in case the Evildoers of the Evil Axis of Doers of Evil try rob the clinics of needles and Botox, for their nefarious ends.  Since many makeup and nail spas offer those kinds of services or referrals, then we should also be posting guards at any place that has more than two sinks or three towels, again to Help Keep Our Homeland Safe from bearded, frozen faced terrorists who are determined to climb on a flight and do their Evildoing.

I don’t like being the one to burst the bubble of pervasive surveillance, but a computer reading a face for twitches or other epheremal microtremors during a flight is not a very good way to find terrorists. 

The essential question is "How did this person get on the plane in the first place?"

Watching the citizens all the time does very little to keep us ‘safe’.  It does go a long way to controlling society however, which is probably what they really want.

Toronto is a typical big city, in that we’ve got our share of violence, gang bangers, dealers and the various nefarious who operate on the other side of the law as their career arc.  There were three shootings last night in the Greater Toronto Area last night, as an example.

Handguns have been a popular way to even things up among the criminal element, just like anywhere else.  That has the Mayor of Toronto, David Miller, on his back legs calling for the closure of handgun ranges in the Greater Toronto Area.  Miller has overlooked some information and managed to look like a dolt.  Again.

Firearms laws are Federal, not Municipal laws.  Sentencing of miscreants is most often Provincial, not Municipal laws. 

Licensing of businesses is Municipal, which is why Miller wants to suspend the business licenses of someone who dares to have, or open, or considering opening a firearms range. 

The association is clear enough to Miller:  Legal handgun owners in the GTA ‘must’ be the source of all the handguns used in the various crimes in the city, as the legal handgun owners, actually have handguns.  Therefore you can stop the criminals from having handguns by making the place where handgun owners congregate, disappear via the City Licensing Branch.

This is like banning the sale of wood in the GTA because some guns have wood on the handle or stock. 

Note to Mayor Miller:  Criminals don’t care about the niceties of a Firearms Acquisition Certificate from the Federal Government.  There have been no recorded instances of a criminal taking lessons at a gun range in how to use an illegally obtained handgun.  Most criminals couldn’t find the safety on their handguns even if it was flashing red and singing the ‘Ave Maria’.  Most criminals don’t care if they have the right ammunition for the weapon.  They just want something to wave around and feel important with.

As for handguns stolen from legal users in the GTA, there have been no reports as far as I can see, of any locally stolen handguns being used in the commission of local crimes.  What handguns are confiscated invariably are from the US and have the serial numbers defaced enough to render tracking the weapon close to impossible. 

This tells us two things that Miller can’t figure out:  Our Customs and Border folks are not stopping the flow of handguns into Canada from the United States. That would be a Federal failure, not a municipal failure.  Court sentencing, mostly Provincial, takes rare notice of the use of a gun in the commission of a crime.  That would be a Provincial and Federal failure, not a municipal failure.

So far the reality score is Municipal Failures = 0.  Which means that Mayor Miller, to be useful, should point the finger a the Feds and the Province for not doing enough to make illegal handgun possession difficult and very unappealing for the criminal element.

In November of 2006, I called for a double double law.  Essentially, if you wave a gun around while committing a crime, your sentence doubles.  Discharge the gun, and it doubles again, possession or discharge also having the effect of removing all mandatory release and parole options for the criminal.  Seven years for theft becomes 28 years very rapidly.  The guilty go away for a long time and even the most addled of criminals can understand the concept of 28 years in jail as a ‘bad thing’.

The nice part is a revised sentencing plan, like double-double, has nothing whatsoever to do with municipal governance and various mayors scoring political points off a situation they can’t do anything about.  It is all Federal and Provincial, which is where it should be.

If Mayor David Miller actually cares about the handgun violence issue in the GTA, then something like double-double sentencing is what he should be flapping his gums about, not banning gun ranges in the GTA.