Stupid Computer Trix

Posted on September 17, 2014 | Leave a comment

We figured it was time to let Mason Baveux out as he’s been taking courses again.  This time he’s been taking computer courses and is now, to quote him, “A friggin’ expert!”  Mason?

 

Thanks for lettin me take up some bandwidth there Davey as I’se been takin courses again, this time on the ‘puters and how to run em.  Now, you be askin, “Mason, you’re no computer lad like Davey is, as you’re dumber than a bag of deer bait on the best day of your life?” 

To which I say, in yer arse.  I may have been born yesterday, but it was early and I stayed up late readin, so kiss me pink puckered arsehole.  I fixed Maureen’s puter down at the sheltered workshop, so I know a thing or two and figgerd out the rest.  OK Davey helped too.

Here’s what I learned.  Puters are dumber than we are, but somedays we’re even dumber.  Take Maureen’s puter.  It wouldn’t run worth shit and she couldn’t get to her games, so’s she says take a gander at it for me.  I did and I tell you sweet baby Jesus there was more popups on’er than Tuesday afternoon at the toaster pastry factory.  There was popups to fix this, tune than, clean up the other thing, then some on porn that I hadn’t seen, 100,000 smiley icons and a webpage from the FBI demanding Maureen send money or they’d arrest her for diddling little kids.  You know what that told me?  Maureen is dumb and she fell for the oldest trick in the ‘puter book. 

Sees us folks aren’t too sure about puters, so we figgure we’re in over our head and someone else should be able to help us out.  Along comes a helpful webpage that says just that “Yer puter’s slow, arsehole, I’ll fix’er for you, fer free!” 

As soon as you say “effin’ aye, set’er up lad” they start downloadin all this bogus crap that is as much help as a foam rubber crutch.  It don’t do nothin, but on top of that, it ‘helps’ you by redirectin all your clicks to some other jeezly website when all you want to do is check the numbers on the Lottery.  Then along with all that helpin comes even more popups offerin you free this, or free that, or help with your even slower puter.

Here’s what you do and I’ll grab a page outta the Nancy Regan Songbook.  Just say no.  Actually, just say ‘eff off’  Don’t click on nothin you didn’t start.  There’s nobody on the Interwebs that wants to help you for real, for free.  There’s always something else draggin along behind’er like a cling-on shit that won’t go away.  Just say eff No!

That means no smiley face cursors what are animated to wink at ya, free recipes, special healin tarot crystal frigabouts or things what promise to make your puter faster.  They don’t friggin work worth shit. 

You want to make your puter faster?  Put more friggin RAM in’er.  That’s safe and cheap and real, not some jagoff from Assholistan what really wants to put some virus on your puter so he can capture all your bankin info and read your email, especially the ones from your cousin the retard with the plate in her head whose been hearin voices in the walls since 1981.

I’s gonna give you a link here what you can click on, safely like:  Ready?  http://www.microsoft.com/security/pc-security/malware-removal.aspx

Thats what you call the Official, Genuine, Microsoft Malicious Software Removal Tool.  Them folks in Redmond are on the ball and this here tool will take out just about all the bullshit you’ve downloaded what is slowin down your puter.  Don’t be downloadin it from somebody else with the same name, as this one is right from the factory floor, by the lads what made your puter software in the first place, so’s you know they got vending machines all around there where you can get yourself a clue for less than a buck. 

Run that there tool and sit back to wait.  If your puter is like Maureen’s, it’ll take the better part of four or five hours to clean things up.  I did that and holy mother of Jesus she found about 65 pieces of arseholery installed on Maureen’s puter.  No wonder it was buggered worse than George Michaels at the Vaseline factory!

The other one what got Maureen’s sister Millicent was those friggin jagoffs what called her up out of the blue sayin she had a dangerous virus and they was from Microsoft Support so they’s could help her.  I called up Microsoft and they don’t do that. 

Got that folks?  Microsoft isn’t gonna call you up if you got a virus.  It’s a scam from Arseholistan what are callin up everyone, and I mean everyone tellin them they got a virus and all kinds of errors and stuff on their puters that they can fix.  All you gotta do is let them put their little software shit on your puter and all the errors go away.  Along with all your bankin logins and anything else you got what is worth anything. 

What I told Millicent and Maureen was to treat your puter like it was the front door of the house.  If some turd tapper shows up, rings the bell and says I’m here to help you with your exploding hot water heater and that carbon monoxide in your furnace along with the filthy ducts, and poisoned tap water from the copper pipes and that other dangerous stuff, what would you do? 

I know Maureen would offer to kick their arses so hard they’d be shittin out their eyeballs for October and November.  Millicent would invite them in and talk about her friggin cats until they’re heads exploded and their bladders burst from all that herbal tea she was feeding them. 

Got that?  Your puter’s like the front door of the house.  Anyone you don’t know, start with “eff off” and follow it up with, “and get the hell off my front stoop before I take this last half a can of Easy-Off Professional Strength oven cleaner to your face like that fuckwit last week whose still in the hospital and will be blowin snot out his mouth until the next Federal Election or his reconstructive surgery, which ever comes first!”

You could do what Davey does when he gets those calls.  He says he has only Macs and they don’t know what to say.  His missus sometimes plays along for a bit, then asks them all saucy like, “What are you wearin’ honey?  Do you like boys or do you like girls?”  They always hang up when that starts as it ain’t in their script.

The other thing ya gotta watch out for is some of the legitimate softwares out there, sometimes offers you a free this or a free that if you agree to download it.  Make sure to read a bit and if there’s something to unclick, then do that.  Like Java, its always offerin me to get McAfee for the antivirus and Google for the searchin, with their special offer.  Eff that!  I know where to get my Goggle on.  And I already got anti-virus from Microsoft, so I don’t need another one on top of the one I got.

That Microsoft “Security Essentials” is plenty good and it updates automatic like every time I’m on the Interwebs, so I knows I’m protected pretty damn fine.  You can get that here, with this link I’m gonna give you right now  http://windows.microsoft.com/en-CA/windows/security-essentials-download  Now, that’s right from the factory, so’s it’s clean and safe and works.  Plus, the best part of it?  She’s free.  Run that and that one I told you about before and your puter’ll be cleaner than my insides after that oscopy surgery I had in the spring.

That’s all I got.  Oh and Maureen’s all happy.  She can get to her games and her lottery pages and her puter runs just fine now.

Leave a comment

Posted in Computers and Internet

Boat Trip 2014

Posted on September 17, 2014 | Leave a comment

We’re fortunate in that two very good friends are boaters. Rob and Juudy own a 34 foot 1980-something Sun Ray cruiser and invited us to share a trip on their boat, the Dissipate III.  For those who know the Rideau Canal, you can skip the next bit.

The Rideau Canal (pronounced Ree-dough if you’re not from here) was built after we won the War of 1812 to keep a navigable waterway the hell away from Americans so people in Montreal could get to Kingston and back, via Ottawa and the Ottawa River. Col. John By and a few thousand friends started digging it in 1826 and wrapped it up in 1832.  It was important as a commercial waterway, but then came trains, roads and peace with the Americans, so it became more of a recreational waterway.  It is also a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

It takes somewhere from three to five days to do the Rideau,from Kingston to Ottawa, depending on how fast you want to go and how much punishment your wallet can take paying for fuel.  Our jaunt was two nights, from Westport to Merrickville, where the Dissipate III is docked. Rob and Juudy were returning from their longer trip from Merrickville to Kingston and back to Merrickville.

For those who own pleasure craft of a certain size, you know that boating is an exercise in compact living.  For example, the head (or the toilet for the non-boaty) is small.  As a male you decide if your requirement is for seating or standing and enter with the appropriate side facing where you want to put it. 

With the boat underway, you sit, regardless of what yoDissipate III at Rideau Ferryu intend to do, or take the time to mop everything down when you’re done, having sprayed all available surfaces including the ceiling with your products.  That’s only funny once and not fun for the others on the boat, so it is avoided.

Rob has owned several pleasure craft all around the same size and has boated on the Rideau since shortly after it was built, so his captaincy is certain, safe and assured, which is reassuring.  I grew up on Big Rideau, deep into German Bay, which was the family cottage for many years and in Smith’s Falls, which is about smack-dab in the middle of the Rideau Canal.  Yes, I have been thrown out of Tony’s in Portland for being too drunk to sing properly.  We used to stay regularly at Gallagher House in Portland before it burned down.

Westport was where we started, driving down from Ottawa, with our supplies and sleeping kit.  Dissipate III can, on paper, sleep eight people, if they are all under 100 pounds and are less than three feet tall.  Pragmatically, as grownups, we do not sleep well stacked like firewood.  The solution is for two in the cabin and two on the deck, under the boat canvas, on an air mattress with sleeping bags. 

This might seem primitive, but let me assure you, there is no better night’s sleep than View from the boat at Westportthat, including various hotels’ luxury bedding.  You go to sleep to the sound of crickets, wind in the trees and a coolish breeze across your face and wake when the sun comes up, to the sound of birds warming up their singing voices for the day ahead.  There is nothing better for the soul, including all the natural healing products you can name, organized religion, or mythical crystals hung from your earlobes, than a night’s sleep on the back of a boat. Especially after putting a huge dent in a bottle of Gosling’s Black Seal rum mixed with Harvey and Vern’s Ginger Beer.

Getting underway involves careful packing and stowage as those who have owned campers or RVs can attest.  You put stuff away when you’re done with it, in the right place, enforcing a sense of purpose with your actions, a deliberateness that we rarely perform in our normal life.  Deflate the bed and roll it up, roll up the sleeping bags and pillows, stowing them away.  Move the deck chairs back into place, replace the sofa/futon, a small table for coffee and open up some of the canvas.  Dishes done in the galley, stowed and secured, then a quick trip ashore to look after some biological imperatives, as the boat rule is liquids only to keep the use of the holding tank to a minimum.

Dissipate III has two monstrous carbureted 454 cubic inch engines under the floor, so it can, if so flogged, run like a civet cat with a flaming kerosene enema, up on plane.  This is not our style of transport, as time is not of the essence.  Our pace on the Dissipate III is leisurely, the motors purring along, loud enough to hear, but not so loud as to obliterate all possible conversation.  The water splashing on the hull and the wind make more noise.  You go fast enough to get there but slow enough to say, ‘look at that coming up’, instead of ‘you should have seen that!’

The trip out of Westport navigates you by some impressive summer homes.  Cottages can be different things to different people.  Some like a rustic feel, a few conveniences but mostly it is the view out the windows and endless games of rummy DSC_5404or cribbage with family and friends.  Others insist that their Malaysian Toast Chef has their own guest house near the helipad.  Westport has all of these and so does Big Rideau Lake.  There are joints that haven’t been painted since Dief was the Chief and maintenance consists of replacing the screens every spring where the raccoons ate their way into the cottage last winter.  Others insist their personal funicular railway to the water’s edge is only waxed with 100% Brazilian carnauba by the fourth-generation freelance funicular waxer named Pietro, on retainer from Milan. 

There is an island for sale in the middle of the lake, just under $700,000 with three cottages on it already, one of which looks like it was used to cook meth, while the other two look like they have seen better days.  We considered pooling our resources, but as I only had $11.00 in my pockets and Rob was carrying a cue ball and a coaster from a restaurant in Gananoque, we passed on putting our names forward. 

We had considered buying the island just the same, then buying the upper half of a big while military surplus radome from the Army, and erecting it on the middle of the island just above the treetops.  We figured we could start really bad black-helicopter rumours that could go on for years. 

Locking through is one of the Arts of the Boat.  Locks are a way to raise or lower boats from one area to another and theDSC_5495 essential workings of a lock haven’t changed much since ancient Egypt.  Gates to hold back the water and sluices that let water up high flood the lower locks.  As the water goes up, the boats go up, open the doors at the other end and the boats can sail out, but into the higher water.  Do this enough times and you can raise or lower boats several dozen feet.  Smith’s Falls has a 26 foot rise at the main lock under Beckwith Street.  DSC_5194

Where the Art comes in, is in navigating the boat into the lock.  Imagine parking your car in the front hall closet without punching a hole into the bathroom, or moving so much as one wispy summer throw scarf in one shot, and you have an appreciation of the skill level needed.  Rob is a master in the locks, juggling velocity, wind, inertia, angles, throttles, and props with the delicacy of a surgeon.  It was always beautiful to watch Dissipate III glide into the lock under Rob’s skillful hands.

We stopped for the night at Poonamalie, lock 32.  Poonamalie is pronounced two ways correctly, depending on wheDSC_5502re you are from.  The official Parks Canada pronunciation is Poon-a-mahlee.  If you’re from Smith’s Falls (which is pronounced Smiffallz by the locals) you might pronounce it Poon-mallee.  If you pronounce it Poony-a-mally on the Reedux  you ain’t from around here. 

Regardless, Poon is 22 kilometers from anywhere.  At night it is darker than Sylvia Plath on downers, but we weDSC_5493re on shore power and enjoyed lasagna, Kracken Rum with more of Harvey and Vern’s Ginger Beer and too much wine. The bed was inflated and heads asleep before 10 pm in the pitch black silence of Poonamalie dockside.

Our final day navigated us through Smith’s Falls, Old Sly’s, Edmond’s, with its two foot lift, then Kilmarnock and finally through Merrickville, gliding into Aylings Marina late in the afternoon.  A quick drive back to Westport to pick up our car, then unload our kit from the boat and back home to our own bed.

Which taught us what, exactly?  It taught us not to sear a jerk-spiced pork tenderloin inside the boat, as the fumes from the Scotch bonnet peppers in jerk seasoning react to heat by giving off something near to tear gas for a few minutes. 

It taught us that friends are more important than we sometime remember. 

It taught us that uncontrollable laughing at Jim Jeffries the comedian is truly the best medicine. 

It taught us that travelling gracefully, while at peace with the nature around you, is good for the soul.  It reminds you of the important things and lets you forget the parenthetical and tangential issues of someone else’s monkey in someone else’s circus.   

It also teaches you that 2.5 ounces of Gosling’s Black Seal Rum with 4 ounces of Harvey and Vern’s Ginger Beer and one ice cube in a plastic sippy cup for grownups is, if not perfect, at least close enough to perfect to let you see Perfect through the trees.

For this, we are grateful.  Thank you, Rob and Juudy.

Leave a comment

Posted in Travel

Bars In Ottawa – Reprint

Posted on September 6, 2014 | 4 comments

Some days you look back at these posts on Roaddave and see the ones that get the most hits.  In order to slake the feverish imaginings of our readers, herewith a reprint from 2007, as posted with comments attached.

Posted on December 1, 2007 | 31 Comments | Edit

I was doing some reflecting the other day, not in the sense of reflecting light, as I do that well enough, without any special training, but reflecting, in the sense of remembering things.  Bars seemed to come back to me.  Bars, as in licensed beverage alcohol parlours.

Some of these establishments are long gone, but a few still exist.  Others exist hazily as I was probably drunk when I went in and drunker when I came out, but I do have vague recollections of their decor.  Herewith, a list of Bars.

The Maple Leaf in Ottawa, site of much illegal drinking during high school.  A classic linoleum floor, Arborite tables and fluorescent lights.  Cheap draft and ghastly chuckwagon sandwiches that were reheated in a metal box, with what looked like a 300 watt lightbulb inside to heat your lunch.  After you got your chuckwagon sandwich and tore away the partially charred cellophane, you used mustard packets by the handful to douse the taste of the sandwich.   

The Ottawa House, Hull.  Long gone, but a huge beer parlour that sat five or six hundred at a go and had a balcony surrounding the main dance floor.  Quarts of beer served to anyone who could see over the bar.  Also home of my first brush with the original 12 percent Bras D’Or beer.  There was usually a band in attendance.  The Guess Who played there toward the end of their career and apparently I saw them.  Getting puked on from the balcony was a hazard of the Ottawa House, but they didn’t care if you took the party into the street too. 

The Eastview Hotel, Eastview.  (I refuse to call it Vanier, it’s Eastview, dammit!) Also long gone.  Had basement rec-room ‘oak’ panelling in the bar and a perpetually sticky floor from spillage.  Apparently there were people who lived in the Hotel. but I’m reasonably certain those folks never actually ventured out in daylight.  

The Chaud, Hull.  There were two Hotel Chaudieres.  The Rose Room and the Green Door.  The Rose Room was upstairs, where you took a date.  The Green Door is where you went to get drunk and fight.  Both held more than 2,000 patrons at a go.  You were brought a quart as a matter of course; only girls were brought pint bottles.  The servers all had bus-driver change machines hooked to their belts and could carry at least 20 quarts and four jugs on a tray, with one hand. 

In the glory days, the Chaudiere saw Louis Armstrong play the Rose Room.  Later, bands like Sha-Na-Na, the Staccatos, Octavian and the Five Man Electrical Band played there.  The Green Door was the kind of place where when you opened the door, you immediately ducked down, as there was either a bottle or a chair headed your way. 

The Chaud was also home of Gerry Barber, the toughest bouncer on the planet.  One story about Barber will suffice:  A patron was being unruly and Barber asked him to sit down and shutthefuckup, tabernac!.  The patron objected and showed his displeasure by breaking a nearly full quart beer bottle over Gerry Barber’s head.  Normally, this would knock most humans to their knees. 

Barber laughed out loud, in the face of the patron:  The 2,000 drunks in the room instantly became very quiet, as we knew what was going to happen next.  Barber grabbed the patron by the face and genitals, throwing him in the direction of the door, over a couple of tables.  When Barber strode over to where the crumpled patron lay, he was still chuckling to himself.  He picked up the patron by the belt, then used the patron’s head to open the door and toss him into the parking lot.  The band resumed playing and the rest of us resumed drinking.

The British Hotel, Aylmer.  The British sold something they called “Porch Climber”, which was a fortified wine-related fluid:  Sort of a high-test sangria, without the fruit slices, juice, or images of Spain.  Porch Climber was sold in pitchers, like draft and if memory serves, was $3 per 64 oz pitcher, while beer was $5 a pitcher. 

Why it was called Porch Climber was never explained.  However, after a pitcher of that stuff, you’d be unable to get up on the porch, or for that matter, off the front lawn, where you had passed out, face down, the night before.  It also stained white Addidas three-stripe running shoes permanently.

The World, Ottawa.  The World was Ottawa’s premiere blues bar and had 300 as its’ listed capacity.  When bluesman Buddy Guy played The World, they sold 700 tickets and everyone showed up. 

Women, on those nights when the house was full, (Long John Baldry would also pack the joint), would routinely be assaulted, or to use the vernacular of the time, “felt up”, as they tried to move through the crowd.  On occasion, a woman would be body surfed on the top of the crowd over to the bar, or the rest rooms, depending on where she wanted to go.

The Grads. Ottawa.  Originally a old fashioned “Ladies and Escorts” and “Men’s Entrance” type of tavern, it evolved into a watering hole for most of Carleton University, at one time or another.  The colour scheme was beige and red, like an old streetcar or the Ottawa Transport Company buses of the time.  The nicest thing about the Grads was the sign out front in Art Deco typography and design.  The restrooms were from the Night of the Living Dead.

Friends and Co.,  Ottawa.  In the disco era, Friends and Co was a meat-market of oak and brick, the concept being the ‘beautiful people’ of Ottawa would come together to drink and go home with someone different every night.  The beautiful people did congregate there and it was a spritzer and fern joint of the worst kind.

The Talisman, Ottawa.  The Talisman Hotel had a bar in the basement, which was done in full-on tiki lounge, with bamboo lamps, reed wall coverings, woven rattan furniture and servers in mahalo shirts in the dead of winter. 

I can remember vaguely, some of, the Zombies they served, as well as the sounds of a South Korean disco band doing “That’s the Way, I Like It” in very bad accents.  However, they did have a full horn section of stone killers and the keyboard player had a Hammond B3 with the lightweight Leslie speaker cabinet that he knew how to play.  He made the table lamps shake with that organ when they did “Gimme Some Lovin’ by the Spencer Davis Group. 

Barrymore’s, Ottawa.  Barrymore’s had an interesting history.  Originally, the Imperial Theatre, it was a movie theatre on Bank Street, then it was shuttered for a number of years, with the seats and screen still intact inside, covered in dust.  After a decade or two, it was reopened, at least the balcony and loges section, as Pandora’s Box, a strip club that was needlessly upscale for the time and neighbourhood.  Pandora’s restored some of the elaborate painting and gilt work of the original Imperial and recycled some of the velvet draperies for the peelers’ runway. 

Then it closed again and reopened as Barrymore’s, a pre-eminent live music bar and showcase.  Any big act playing Ottawa at the Civic Centre, if they could, would stay over an extra night, or come a night early, to play Barrymore’s.  Barrymore’s held, legally, 550 people.  I was fortunate enough to see George Thorogood and the Destroyers, Tina Turner and Huey Lewis and the News in Barrymore’s. 

There’s something galactically Right about seeing Huey Lewis or George Thorogood in a packed, smoky bar, with the entire place jumping up and down in unison, everyone, including the band, piss drunk.  Tina Turner had just released “Private Dancer” and was a mega-star, who had booked Barrymore’s months before, as a warmup date for her tour.  A Rolling Stones tribute band, the Blushing Brides, used to own the place when they played there.

Licensed as a bar, Barrymore’s didn’t have a bad seat in the place.  A big stage, left over from the strippers, and one of the first GE Talaria video projection systems that was installed for non-band nights.  They’d fire up the video system and play some of the very first music videos on the big screen at ear-splitting volume.  On very quiet nights, they’d hook an Atari Pong game up to the big screen and you could play Pong on a screen that was twenty feet wide.

Pineland.  Ottawa.  In what looked like a small, warmed over rural arena, next to a rental go-kart track, some of the 60’s and 70’s best local bands played Pineland.  The CFRA Campus Club for Coke, with Al Pascal, used to host the bands.  Pineland was the home for the Townsmen, the Staccatos, Octavian, Five Man, the Cooper Brothers, Bolt Upright and hundred more bands.  Ostensibly, Pineland was not licensed, but Gilbey’s Lemon Gin was readily available. 

I’m going to end it here, for now, but if you remember some of the old Ottawa hotspots, like the Red Door, the Laf, Salon Diane and Salon Colette, as well as the Claude, the Elmdale, the VD and some of the other holes, drop me a line.

There are more stories to be had.

31 responses to “Bars in Ottawa Pt I”

  1. sherry | September 6, 2008 at 11:07 AM | Reply | Edit

    These are great stories, hope you don’t mind some additional info about Barrymore’s.
    The Imperial Theatre opened in 1914 and seated 1200 people.  A floor was installed in the 1960’s, running from the bottom of the balcony to the back of the original stage.  This space was eventually rented to Canada’s first all nude strip club, Pandora’s Box.  A floor was also installed at the front of the building over the original lobby, and was used as a massage parlor.  The strip club kept the original balcony theatre seats and had purchased the red velvet curtains from the Capitol Theatre when it was demolished, but never did any restoration.
    Pandora’s Box was closed in 1978 for it’s failure to meet building safety standards.  4 partners bought the lease and renovated the space to open as a disco/supper club.  Cost overruns and a bad review by Ottawa Citizen Dave Brown columnist forced the club into bankruptcy within 18 months.
    In 1981 the lease was purchased by 3 partners who thought it would make a great live music venue.  And so it was for more than 10 years.  What many people may not know is the club’s legal capacity was 198 people, posted on the liquor licence behind the lower bar.  Security’s first priority was to make sure aisles, stairways and exits, were clear, especially if the club was over capacity.  Liquor, fire and police inspectors would drop in from time to time to make sure patrons were safe, and responsible managers were on duty.  The highest attendance was for George Thorogood, more than 550 people.
    The owner’s biggest concern was that the poured floor did not have enough support.  On busy nights the ceiling of the Nervous Onion would move up and down.  Perhaps that is why it is closed now.
    Aloha,      

  2. Chris | May 15, 2009 at 3:22 PM | Reply | Edit

    Yes Gerry Barber was a very tought bouncer, Im trying to find out more about him or if theres a family historian or any pictures, see i am somehow kin to gerry barber, he was my moms cousin and i googled his name today and thats how i came across your blog, if you know anything elts about him please e-mail me at chrisstgermain83@hotmail.com or if you can point me in the direction of someone who does thank you.

  3. Pierre | December 26, 2009 at 9:38 PM | Reply | Edit

    Your write-up brings back memories, only because I left those places almost sober and remembering everything that went on. Just to make a note about the Chaud, short for Chaudiere Golf and Country Club. It was situated on the Aylmer Road in Aylmer, not in Hull, across from the Glenlea Golf an Country Club, known today as the Champlain Golf Club. The Chaud was a conbination of two watering holes. The Rose Room, situated upstair, was a very classy, old style dance hall with a mezzanine or balcony level on all four walls. The Green Room, on the other hand, was more of a dive bar where you could get wasted on beer and shop for your favorite drugs. Drugs were peddled in the same manner as peanuts and popcorn at a baseball game. “MESC, ACID, HASH!”The Chaud was sold after the owner, JP Maloney, died. It was levelled and replaced by what is now known as the Chateau Cartier Hotel and Resort. The golf course is in much better shape since the change.Another good place for seeing bands, such as the Cooper Brothers, was the Gatineau Golf and Country Club. The building was destroyed by fire and replaced by a Loblaws and strip mall in the 80’s.What memories we have!

  4. Jim | July 6, 2010 at 3:20 AM | Reply | Edit

    Oh, Pineland. I worked there for a couple of years taking money and stamping hands. But more than that, I painted the pictures and murals in dayglo. I painted a wild mandala on Octavian’s drum kits but it flaked off after a couple of shows. Fun times.

  5. David | July 6, 2010 at 9:03 PM | Reply | Edit

    Thank you Arnold, for droppnig by. And also a large thanks to others who have commented and filled in some of the gaps in the memories.

  6. Tom | October 6, 2010 at 10:33 PM | Reply | Edit

    just a small comment re the Chaudiere Green Door – I ‘lived’ there back in 1971 – 1973 when I graduated to the Rose Room after they got rid of Terry Carisse and started bringing in rock bands and I can tell you there’s no way you could fit 2000 people in the Green Door (maybe a couple of hundred); Rose Room – yes, GD – NO

    • Road-Dave | October 9, 2010 at 11:56 AM | Reply | Edit

      Tom:

      OK, I’m guilty of exaggeration 🙂 Thanks for your comment. I’ll refer you over to the main site, which is roaddave.wordpress.com. The ds46ont one was used just for the migration from Live Spaces. See you around.

      Cheers!
      David

  7. Brent | October 11, 2010 at 2:55 PM | Reply | Edit

    Great stories!

  8. al d. | September 29, 2011 at 4:17 AM | Reply | Edit

    What was the name of the tavern in the old Union Station in Ottawa. It was across from the Grand hotel (bar) on Besserer st. and Sussex

  9. FRANCINE | January 27, 2013 at 10:21 PM | Reply | Edit

    So glad I came across this info – I had requested photos of The Chaud and here I am… About the Glenlea – was that across the The Chaud a bit down the road on way to Aylmer? I spent lots of weekends @ The Ottawa House – Loved the bands… what was the name of the blind singer -he was so good. Ray Hutchison? There was a nearby venue that I saw The Platters @ – same side as The Chaudiere – maybe further heading again to Aylmer… and The British Hotel in Aylmer – Western singer – Huey Scott… he took forever to prepare – warm up for his shows – back in the 60’s. My then husband’s favorite artist.
    What about the hotels downtown Hull like the dance halls @ Chez Henri & there was another popular one around the portage area. Not far from The Ottawa House.
    Man… it sure feels good to go back in time – I miss those days!

    About the tavern on Besserer & Sussex – it’s on the tip of memory. Shoot!
    Wish I could read more about Ottawa/Hull’s past entertainment venues.

    Oh… I used to go dancing on Bank Street – One b4 the exhibition grounds.. and the Oak Door – anyone remember those two?

    I sang @ age 14 @ La Salle Hotel on Dalhousie – My dad took me and put me on stage – Food was served so I was allowed in. I sang “You Made Me Love You’ lol How I miss my teenage & 20’s years.

    One last place was @ The Riverside in Eastview (Vanier) on Rifer Road.
    Gino Vanelli performed there he said @ his last show in October @ Nepean Centrepoint Theatre.

    I saw Elvis in 56 when he came to Ottawa – hmmm was it the colosium?

    Anyways – Thanks for the memories…

  10. richard | January 29, 2013 at 8:38 AM | Reply | Edit

    Youngsters all what about the rendezvous or the masque rouge maybe Le soleil and for any one with an ounce of class cafe le Hibou

    • Susan Smith | May 3, 2013 at 11:57 PM | Reply | Edit

      I was looking for info on the Rendezvous when I came across this blog. It was my tavern style experience as a University Student, when the bars closed in Ottawa that was where everyone went.

      • Brent Beatty | May 4, 2013 at 7:37 PM | | Edit

        When I drove cab for ABC in the early 70’s, the shift would end about 1:00 am for us and we’ed head over to the Rendezvous. It had an atmossphere that we liked; kinda smokey and not too pretentious. The back room was our favourite and we would be left alone by the bouncers as long as we behaved ourselves, which we usually did.
        But I remember one night when about a dozen or us, guys and gals, showed up and took a table in the back. I had to use the washroom and wasn`t there very long but by the time I got back to the table, the entire crew were getting the bum`s rush out the door. I still don`t know to this day what the Hell happened but somebody must have pissed off a bouncer to a great degree and that was that.
        I miss the place even today as it represented the old Hull before all the Fed. Gov`t buildings went up.
        Fond memories,
        B

  11. raoul duke | March 27, 2013 at 3:46 PM | Reply | Edit

    I remember my first visit to the Chaud; the after party for our grade 12 ‘formal’ (held at the Talisman, natch) which shut down early after a crew member burned half his face while setting off a phosphorous flash-pot with a match, but that’s another story.

    What I clearly remember was someone setting off a backyard sized firework (the ‘Volcano’ sort) on a table next to a back wall of the Green Door. It went off for about a minute. And no one noticed or did anything about it. Coolest thing I have ever seen in a bar.

    Gerry Barber was the reason the Chaud wasn’t a biker bar. ‘Nuff said.

  12. Les | August 10, 2013 at 11:27 AM | Reply | Edit

    The Plaza…Sparks St. west of Bank St, 1960’s -1970’s. Bar downstairs, 25 cent drafts, music upstairs, saw Canada Goose perform there.

    Le Soleil, Hull
    Disco Viva, Hull
    Sacs Disco Bar, Hull
    Bests Bar, Hull
    Rotters Club
    Chez Henri, Hull

    Trying to remember the name of a disco on Riverside that my parents used to go to in the ’60’s….

    • Brent | August 21, 2013 at 9:33 PM | Reply | Edit

      If I recall, and it’s getting harder to do that these days, it was called The Rib.
      But I stand ready to be corrected, among other things.
      Brent

  13. Michael Krushnisky | August 30, 2013 at 11:55 PM | Reply | Edit

    The nickname for the Riverside Tavern and Disco was “The Rib”. Upstairs, you could find the disco that had Playboy Bunny replicas serving drinks in the early to mid 70’s. The Tavern downstairs, (very similar to the Maple Leaf Tavern located on the corner of Montreal Road and St. Laurent Blvd.) was where all the heavy duty power-drinkers threw back quarts of ’50’, ‘EX’, etc. Fights were pretty common but generally just included fists and boots. Some taverns actually had what they called a ‘panic button’ in their bathrooms, if you got jumped you could reach to hit the buzzer so the waiters could come to your assistance. I remember being able to buy a quart for .75 cents at the ‘Leaf’ and the ‘Rib’ taverns, only place cheaper we knew of was the Ottawa House tavern across the Ottawa River in Hull Quebec for .70 cents. I also remember being able to purchase beer at any of these Taverns long before I turned 18 which was the “drinking age” at the time. As I sit here writing this response to the above comments I realize that I could likely talk about these places for days on end, I somehow completed Grade 13 at Rideau High School inspite of it being located down the road from the ‘Leaf’ (“ML”). I actually remember a teacher at Rideau whose class was scheduled on Friday afternoons, with most of the class down at the draft room of the Maple Leaf each Friday for long lunch hours, he finally relented and even taught a few classes while quaffing drafts with us at the Maple Leaf Draft room. “Those were the days my friend” however different from the old theme song of the All in the Family sitcom – “I knew they would have to end”, HA-HA.

  14. Road Dave | August 31, 2013 at 12:22 PM | Reply | Edit

    In reviewing all these postings, it seems there are several of us with the same mental problem: We were drunk. I’ll add the Sly Fox Disco on Carling Ave (now some evangelical church) that was originalloy the Sampan restaurant. Rumor was the Sly Fox had one of the floor lights from the set of “Saturday Night Fever” in the dance floor. Cheezy Hank (The Chez Henri) was also a fern bar in its’ later iterations.

  15. Mike | August 31, 2013 at 1:13 PM | Reply | Edit

    This is like eating peanuts, I can’t stop recollecting now. Do you remember the Lafontaine Hotel on Montreal Road, downstairs was the proverbial Tavern with more or less same atmosphere as the Leaf and the Rib, but upstairs was the ‘Golden Rail’ – Country music bands at their finest, packed to the rafters Thursday, Friday & Saturday nights, lots of women seated alone, always friendly and easy to meet. I vividly remember being in there one night when they announced that Elvis Presley had just died, there was literally a hushed silence over the place for a good minute while the patrons dealt with their shock. Another really dingy tavern I remember on Montreal Road was the Eastview Hotel, was definitely a place you wanted to have someone watching your back, lot of tough, dangerous characters frequented the Eastview, some had just been released from Prison or the detention centre on Innes Road (Holiday Innes) as they referred to it. Of course all of Montreal Road had plenty of watering holes and was like the gateway to the “Byward Market” by way of the Cummings Bridge (more stories for another day). Some people I knew kept up that way of life throughout their adult lives – I guess thats why I regularly find so many familiar names, only in their 50’s reflected in the Ottawa Citizen Obituaries.

  16. Perry | October 9, 2013 at 2:54 AM | Reply | Edit

    The Raceway Tavern on Clarence St. Classic Market tavern with hookers galore. Live music by Paul Henry. Bouncer Gordie Galinger kept us safe and his wife at the bar kept us drunk. Ahh, my sweet university days!

  17. Susan | October 23, 2013 at 12:55 AM | Reply | Edit

    I remember going to the Chaud to see Cheap Trick, drinking quarts and getting stoned right at your table because back then you could—that was an awesome show, from what I remember, because I don’t remember leaving the Chaud or how I got home that night. Someone mentioned the Talisman had a bar downstairs so for the record I believe it was called the Beachcomber! Also does anyone remember the Black Swan or Club Zink? Great stories …Cheers 🙂

  18. Rob N | November 8, 2013 at 7:00 PM | Reply | Edit

    Wow I am glad I found this page what memories. I grew up in Carp and Saturday and Sunday nights we loaded up a few cars and headed to the Chaud. We never went into the Green Door, although we fought our fair share they had a different code of conduct down in that hole( bottles knives, guns etc). Do you remember the old guy that came around with the flash camera and would take your picture for a few bucks. I still have a pic from there from 83. The only place you could buy anything hash,pcp,lsd,pot uppers downers lol you name it. We just smoked the hash. Remember how the waiters would come around with their coin changers and flash lights. For a small tip they would hold the flashlight so you could see while rolling your joint on the table. If you were in a fight god forbid you had better get your shots in quick and get out of there before Gerry Barber got there and got a hold of you. I saw many a supposed tough guy get the crap kicked out of them be Barber and then ejected with his signature toss out the front door and down the steps, a buddy of mine had that pleasure one evening. One night a buddy and myself went in and had a sprinkle in the can and while we were walking by a stall with the door open we saw a biker looking dude (for lack of a better term) having a crap with the door open. My buddy and I were laughing as we ponied up to the urinal, we stopped laughing emediately when we heard ” hey stretch you think that’s pretty funny eh) my buddy is 6Ft 6 in and had a gun in his ear. Luckily a guy in the washroom saw this and got out and got Barber. The rest is history ( they didn’t call the cops for those things at the chaud).

    Anyway lots of great times. They don’t make places like that anymore.
    As a final note we had to drive through the hull , qpp, rcmp, nepean, Ottawa, opp police forces to get home. Imagine these days!!!

  19. Doug | February 19, 2014 at 9:31 PM | Reply | Edit

    Seems I just jumped in Mr. Peabody’s wayback machine, yeeesh.. yeah, I remember, or not remember getting home from the Chaud many a times. and damn, I shoulda taken that Raquel Welch poster from behind the bar..

    Glad someone remembered the Raceway Tavern. Interesting times were had there. And don’t forget the Albion Hotel. A good place to go when you didn’t want to be around others, or cheerful people. Quite sullen at times, but hey, the drinks were cheap..

    Being a west-ender growing up, there was always the CrazyHorse on March Road to fall back on, if you didn’t want to head into the city.

    And during the university days, the weekend routine was always the same.. Thursday nights at Oliver’s at Carleton U. ( saw some amazing early acts there, Dave Edmunds, Nick Lowe, John Baldry, etc etc). Friday nights were always the Algonquin Pub ( Powder Blues Band, Crowbar, Doug & the Slugs, etc), then over to Hull, hoping to find a date for Saturday night. Saturday night it was Disco Reflections at some hotel ( the Delta Inn) with your date, then over to Hull…. Sunday, sleep it all off and start over again..

    For a good bite to eat with your beer, there was always the Capri restaurant on Merivale, with their square pizza and huge jugs of beer, or Peter’s Pantry in the Carling area ( really hot waitresses there at the time), and damn, the name escapes me right now of the place on Richmond Road in Westboro where the Mill St. Brewery place is now..Kind of a rundown place, but the same faces night after night after night, each with their own life story to listen in on if they let you….

    and if you desperate, really desperate for a date, there was always the singles night at the Concord Hotel on Montreal Road on a winter’s Friday night…

    yeah, good times, good times. Thanks for the memories in dragging a lot of these up. The Rose Room was always the fave and the go-to place though. even at 16, with an underage ID card that would do McLovin’ proud, lol

  20. Chantal | March 20, 2014 at 9:55 PM | Reply | Edit

    Anyone remember the bar where the Restaurant 18 is now or basement where Side Door is located….I can’t remember the name for the life of me…I think it had the word blue in it but not sure

  21. Wayne ( Eggs) Benedict | March 31, 2014 at 3:10 PM | Reply | Edit

    I remember all of those joints. At the same time I ran dances at Pineland, Parkdale, Lighthouse and Beamish Hill Chalet. Also managed Octavian and Liberation, so have a ton of great memories. FUN, FUN, FUN !!!

  22. Dean Hagopian. | April 1, 2014 at 11:29 PM | Reply | Edit

    My nerves I’m hemmorhaging mentally from the waves of memories. EAsy on the hemp everyone. Seem to be missing another of my fave watering holes, super for music and talent too, On the upper Aylmer rd, it was a Golf Course also., Owned by Joe Sax, and his two shall we say very entertaining sons, Spent a lot of time there when I was living in Aylmer and working at OY. Super musicians, seem to remember Russ Thomas, before he changed his name and moved to Montreal. Spent many nights when Johnny Nash was there. We(being the Staccatos played at most of the places mentioned, so you can understand how weird my memories might be. Another kick ass quality bar we liked alot was the Duvernay in Hull. Played and got whacked there on many occasions, cause that ‘s what one did in those days and nights. Thanks for the rushes.

    • Road Dave | April 2, 2014 at 12:38 AM | Reply | Edit

      And thanks for a blast from the past from Dean Hagopian, back when AM radio was Boss! I’ll add memories of Al Pascal, Shelley Emmond, Trevor Kidd, Ivan Hunter, Dave “50,000” Watts, Bill Drake, Tom Lucas, Jim Johston, Art Stevens, Casey Fox, Rick Shannon and the Original Winter’s Nights on BY at the old joint on Richmond Rd.

  23. Sue | April 2, 2014 at 4:52 PM | Reply | Edit

    K Mart resturant for the Algonquin College students was a great watering hole and dancing on the Rose Room floor as it heaved and moved with all the folks is a memory worth while!

4 Comments

Posted in Social Constructs

Joan Rivers

Posted on September 4, 2014 | Leave a comment

Joan Rivers passed away today at 81, (in Hollywood years 52) from complications from throat surgery. Like Phyllis Diller, she was one of the first women who did standup and in the parlance of the trade, killed it just about every time she went out.  Vegas, Ed Sullivan, The Tonight Show, films, television and of course, on stage armed with nothing more than a microphone, a glass of water and a spotlight.  She did consummate old-skool standup.  Setup, punchline, setup, punchline, rinse, repeat, topper, kill, bow, get off the stage.

Originally from Brooklyn, Joan Alexandra Rosenberg (nee Molinsky) had a BA in English Lit and Anthropology of all things.  She took Rivers as her stage name on the advice of her then-agent Tony Rivers.  I suspect it was revenge that made her switch from Molinsky to Rivers.

We can joke about her having so many facelifts she has to put pantyliners in the center of her bra, or, when she’s naked, from behind she looks like a Rhodesian Ridgeback, or that her stuff on QVC/The Shopping Channel was so cheap, you’d see a necklace run under the fridge when you turned the lights on.  She didn’t care and if you could give back as good as you got, then game on. 

Or, we could just lament her passing with a pause.

She made people laugh.  Not a bad epitaph for a comedian.   

Leave a comment

Posted in News and politics

Summer Wind-Down

Posted on September 2, 2014 | 1 comment

We’ve been busy over the summer, what with lounging on the deck, taking it easy and generally not giving a blue-nosed damn about much of anything.  However, since school is back in, we figured, hey, let’s do some of that blogging thing again…

Where to start, as the outrages are thick and deep.  We will condense our reactions to the beheading videos over the summer, courtesy of ISIS.  See that red dot on your fellow fighters forehead?  That’s a laser, a targeting laser.  One, nice, slow pull and about 600 grams of rapidly moving metal will adjust your attitude, forever.  Nice knowing you.

Celebrity nudes hacked.  It looks like it was nothing more than a simple phishing hack, an unsolicited email demanding the users name and password to keep their iCloud account alive, ostensibly for ‘security’ reasons.  The celebrities fell for it, sending the hackers the keys to the kingdom, so they could download anything they wanted.  This included, um, intimate, personal, private pictures and videos which have been and are being traded online by the one-handed typist set. 

So, to help out the celebrities whose antics are more or less public now, here’s a little reminder:  Don’t take photos of yourself or your partners with your phone and don’t store them on a computer, ever.  This is why the Polaroid was invented, but alas, the Polaroid camera is no more unless you score one at a garage sale and bucks-up for Fuji’s instant film.  Perhaps a simpler fix then; stop taking selfies of you enjoying a moment and simply enjoy the actual moment with whomever you are enjoying it with. 

Russia either is, or is not invading the Ukraine, depending on how much shiite you want with your sandwich.  The Ukraine has oil, food and money.  Russia does not, or at least not as much as they did before the Soviet Union decided to implode and hand over all their cash to various oligarchs to buy apartments in London. 

The only problem here is that Putin does not care what we in the rest of the world think; he’s quite willing to do whatever he wants to do with the Ukraine and has the army to back it up.  He’s assuming that the rest of the world is a) trying not to starve to death, or b) discussing the latest Kardashian selfie without a care for geopolitics. 

Putin’s right of course.  Most people in the first world couldn’t spell geopolitics, let alone define it, or understand the ramifications of Russia rolling back to the clock to about this time in 1939.  Which explains why the global reaction has the same intensity and depth on intellectual discourse as the Toronto Blue Jays not making the playoffs, again. 

Actually, there has been more discussion of the Jays not making the playoffs on Sports Radio, as the shut-ins dissect the 2014 MLB season with the half-wits and the under-medicated bipolars who now constitute the audience for most radio station call-in shows.  Russia invading the Ukraine?  We’ve got Gord on the line from Pentanguishine: Perhaps the Jays could get a second-round draft pick form the Ukraine National League?  A good left-hander maybe?

We despair of this planet some days.

1 Comment

Posted in News and politics

The Eleanor F.M. Scott Memorial Deck

Posted on July 18, 2014 | Leave a comment

The dwelling has a deck on the back and there is a story in that deck.  When we bought the joint in 1989, the builder put something on the back that was called a “deck” as the patio door is four feet above grade.  Without a “deck” you would step out into space and fall to the ground from enough height to ruin your day.  This is the building code at work. 

Needless to say the builder back then, who shall remain nameless as they are still in business, put on the smallest, cheapest, most meanly built piece of ineptly thrown-together structure he could get away with by law.  There was enough room for your ass and a gallon of gas and that was about it, then down some deathtrap stairs to the back lawn, as you risked impalement on the handrail, or one of several dozen nails that stuck out at odd angles.

In 1999 we decided to take that hideous piece of ‘work’ off our house and put on a proper deck, built by yours truly and some help from good friends.  The joys of a townhouse are that the back yards are small.  Ours is 22 feet wide and 24 feet deep, so we made the deck cover about half the back yard, leaving an area with patio stones and some grass for our various dogs over the years to use as their local lavatory. 

The deck has been the scene of hundreds of outrageous gatherings of like-minded fiends and friends, gathering for food and, of course, copious amounts of alcohol.  There has been sunbathing, conversations by the thousands and a few thousand hours of just staring off into middle distance enjoying the feel of the sunshine, the sounds of birds and the gentle rustle of wind through the leaves at all hours of the day or night.  The most precious times have been at ghastly hours of the earliest of the morning, as the sun was just starting to colour the sky, the moon and stars still visible and the birds barely beginning to wake with their first tentative chirps of the day. 

There are also tears.  It is called The Eleanor F.M. Scott Memorial Deck, named in honour of Marylou’s mother, who passed away in 1999 not long after we started work on the deck.  Hidden under the deck, on the ledger against the house is that very title and the signatures of those who worked on the deck, the idea being sometime in the distant future someone would be working on the deck, find the inscription of who built it, when and Eleanor Scott’s name.  A little history nugget left behind that they could pursue or ignore as they see fit.

By 2014 the deck had reached the point where it needed some serious work.  Pressure-treated wood lasts for a certain amount of time; stain or paint can only save so much.  We decided to rehabilitate it.  Today, the contractor has stripped off the weathered and worn deck boards, revealing the underpinnings, still in excellent shape.  Composite decking will go back over top, that we won’t ever have to paint, sand, stain or seal.  The planters will come back up, along with the furniture, the umbrellas and lanterns.  There will be several hundred more scenes of truly outrageous gatherings of like-minded fiends and friends, gathering for food and, of course, copious amounts of alcohol, laughter and general good times.

He also revealed the area where we had inscribed the following:

The Eleanor F.M. Scott Memorial Deck Built with love, July 1999 by David Smith, Marylou Scott-Smith, Rob Scrimger, Juudy Scrimger and John Fahey.  Faded, yet still readable, it stamps a date and time on our efforts and the memory of Eleanor Scott.

We have appended the names of the contractors and the appropriate date of their work to the ledger board, next to the original inscription.  We might even get a small brass plate inscribed to make things a little more permanent. 

Whomever owns out house a couple of decades from now will find those inscriptions and wonder for a moment about Eleanor F.M. Scott. 

She was my mother-in-law and is sorely missed but warmly remembered to this very day.  We love you, Miss Ellie.   

Leave a comment

Posted in Ersatz History

Seventy Years On

Posted on June 5, 2014 | Leave a comment

Near 6 am tomorrow one of the more historic events in the history of the world will be commemorated.  Seventy years ago the landings started on Sword, Juno, Gold, Omaha and Utah beaches on the Normandy coast of France.  We know it as D-Day and it marked the beginning of the end of the Second World War.

The youngest of the surviving veterans would be in their late 80’s now, humbled by infirmity and the relentless toll of age, but for a few moments tomorrow, they will be tall, strong and brave again as they were when, for many, they first arrived in France, June 6th, 1944. 

My favourite quote from the historical documents is the line attributed to a British officer, whose landing craft was being shot to hell by enemy machine gunners on the run in to Sword:  “We seem to be intruding.  This might be a private beach!”  

World War II was never the war to end all wars, or the penultimate war, or the last good war:  War can never be “good” involving as it does, the mindless waste of things, treasure and lives.  However we must take a moment tomorrow and remember what they did and show our respect, not just for those who have lived long enough to see this anniversary, but for those who never got to see the sunrise on June 7th 1944. 

We know their friends from then will take a moment tomorrow to remember them with a muttered thanks, a discreet tear and invariably a firm, sharp, salute.

Leave a comment

Posted in Ersatz History, News and politics

Ontario Election

Posted on May 20, 2014 | Leave a comment

Sorry it has been a while, but life intrudes sometimes, however, there have been many outrages in the past while.  Our most recent, is the election we’re holding in Ontario right now.

(Quick American translation:  We’re having an election in our state, except Ontario is much bigger than Texas and has two time zones in the province.  Plus, we don’t elect state Senators, as we’re a parliamentary democracy.  Liberal = Democrat, Conservative = Republican, NDP = European Style Social Democrat, or Socialist but Nice about it)

We prefer when it comes to exercising our franchise, to vote for things.  For a particular party, their leader,  a platform, a series of promises, or reforms.  In this iteration of the Ontario Legislature, we don’t necessarily get that option, voting for something.

The campaign has devolved into a smoke and mirrors workshop.  The incumbent Liberals under Kathleen Wynne are saddled with the inheritance of their previous leader, Dalton McGuinty, who was so inert scientists considered him part of the Periodic Table of Elements, somewhere in the realm of Nitrogen gas, or solid Carbon.  Wynne is required to keep a straight face when asked by reporters to explain the grain-carrier Seaway Laker tied to her ankle with a 3” hawser.  She says it was there when she took office after McGuinty resigned a few months ago, someone having conveniently tied a 400 foot long ship to him, the longshoreman having wiped his hands, muttering “That ain’t goin nowheres now”

The Conservatives are saddled with a leader, Tim Hudak and a platform that includes invading Poland in September, to obtain Lebensraum for Ontario.  Hudak’s other big platform plank includes creating more jobs by firing 100,000 civil servants.  This is the intellectual equivalent of determining that dogs are deaf when you cut off all their legs, because they won’t respond to “Come”  Hudak is one of those bug-eyed people who look like his self-importance was inflated to 45 psi over the placarded pressure when the election writ was dropped.

The Ontario New Democratic Party leader, Andrea Horvath suffers from an image problem.  Everyone of a certain age in Ontario remembers what were called “Rae Days” in 1993, when the then-NDP leader, Bob Rae scared himself and the NDP shitless and wound up in the Big Chair at Queen’s Park.  He gave all of Ontario’s public servants twelve unpaid days of leave to reduce a $2 billion dollar deficit.  We long for the days of a $2 billion shortfall now.  Leading the NDP means Big Labour actively hates you, especially since Andrea Horvath’s party pulled the plug on the Liberal Minority government and forced the election.

Locally, in Ottawa South, which was Dalton McGuinty’s old riding, we’ve got his Executive Assistant running as an incumbent candidate and proving that there is no shame in politics, even if you are caught on video up to the bristles in a Berkshire sow.  A Conservative, Matt Young, who says “What Tim says, yep!” and an NDP Candidate, Bronwyn Funiciello, who is personable in a Mary-Kay Distributor way, but knows her chance in this riding is on par with the other five fringe candidates, Libertarian, Green, Special Needs, Freedom and Communist.  It’s really down to two, Liberal or Conservatives here.

Which is where our conundrum sits.  We can’t vote for the Liberals, as their granitic inaction and mind-warping stupidity means another four years of no hope no progress and no money as the last jobs left in manufacturing get sent to Guatemala or Michigan.  Or,vote for a party that promises like their forebears, to gut everything they can get their hands on, including health care, schools, policing, fire services, and the bureaucracy, then private-sector it to their buddies as rapidly as possible under the guise of ‘getting value for the tax payer’.  It would be Mike Harris the Reboot, or Ernie Eaves Mark II.  Plus the whole one-armed saluting of the Conservatives gives us shivers of annexing the Sudetenland flashbacks that we can’t shake. 

We can’t get drunk enough to vote for the NDP or any of the other fringe parties, unless the Rhino Party comes back from the dead and offers to build a bridge along the St Lawrence Seaway as a Public Service Project.  Except they want to build it lengthwise, not across. 

That kind of stupid, we can get behind as a voter.

Leave a comment

Posted in News and politics

Things Ottawa Reprint

Posted on April 2, 2014 | 5 comments

So, I’m a s-heel for not writing more, but the work has been onerous when it comes to writing cycles.  To make up for it, I’m reprinting a few older posts that have somehow found their ways into our collective unconsciousness by stimulating others to comment or write replies.  From September 9, 2008, with comments, comes Things Ottawa:

This is a bit of a reminiscence of memories of my hometown Ottawa that have somehow seeped up from the brain, in no particular order, for no particular reason.

The number 61 Elmvale Acres bus.  It was the 61 Bayshore until it got the other end of city, when it became the 61 Elmvale.  It took almost two hours for the bus to do the whole loop through the downtown core, east to Elmvale Shopping Centre, back around Urbandale Acres, through Elmvale again, to downtown, then out to the wilds of the West End:  Westgate Shopping Centre, Carlingwood and eventually a loop of Bayshore Drive, before there was a Bayshore Shopping Centre.  You could see almost the whole city for 50 cents.

Tiny Tom Donuts in the Pure Food building at the Ex.  Every year mystery people would bring a convoluted machine that would poop out tiny donuts by the hundreds at the Central Canada Exhibition.  They would be hot, greasy and lightly sprinkled with white sugar and if you paid extra, cinnamon and sugar.  There were also Shopsy Hot Dogs, Pizza, and Back Bacon on a Bun.  Why it was called the Pure Food building, I’ll never know, as the only thing that was ‘Pure” in there was the grease.

Hobbyland.  Downtown for a thousand years.  As all the small buildings downtown were bought up, then razed to make way for huge office buildings, Hobbyland survived.  If you needed Testor’s Candy Apple Red and some new brushes for your Eldon slot car, Hobbyland had it in stock. 

The Capitol Theatre was a monster classic cinema and theatre originally built in 1920 with Thomas W. Lamb as the architect.  The Capitol was an old-fashioned movie palace that sat 2530 patrons in luxury.  The stage hosted everyone from Nelson Eddy to Jimi Hendrix over its’ fifty-year life. 

As a school safety patroller, I got to watch double-bill movies at The Capitol on Saturday mornings.  Up past the dome, there was a slot car track with a huge 8-lane custom track, where you could race against other folks.  You could only get to the slot cars by walking up what seemed like forty-four flights of stairs from an obscure entrance off the side street.  I used to have a half a brick, rescued from the Capitol when it was demolished in 1970.

There were other cinemas/theatres in Ottawa.  The Regent, The Elgin, The Elmdale and The Rialto come to mind.  The Rialto, also known as the RatHole was a very old cinema that became a grindhouse in later years.  Triple-bill Laff Riots with Jerry Lewis, The Stooges and Laurel and Hardy, alternated with soft-core porn, “Emmanuelle, Queen of Sados” and violent exploitation horror films like “Die Die My Darling Die” and “Ilsa, She-wolf of the SS”.  The floors at the Rialto were always sticky.

Donald Duck Bread was baked by Morrison-Lamonthe bakery and was delivered to the house by the Bread Man, who trolled the suburbs in a green truck.  Donald Duck Bread was especially fascinating as it was baked as a round loaf, almost exactly the right diameter to fit a slice of bologna. 

Borden’s Dairy served the South end of the city with their milk trucks, while the West end was the purview of Clark’s Dairy and their weird purple trucks.  If you wanted bread or milk you put a little cardboard card in the front window and the various sales people would miraculously stop and deliver to the back door of the house.

The 85 Bank and Grove bus.  For the longest time the 85 Bank and Grove was an ancient gas-powered short wheelbase bus.  Unlike the 61 Elmvale Acres, which was a mammoth GM diesel, then an ultra modern GM Fishbowl, the 85 was always a small, smelly wobbly bus.  At the corner of Bank Street and Grove Street, the 85 would turn around and head back to the ‘burbs.   To get downtown you would have to transfer to a 1A St. Patrick.  The turnabout was a vestige of the streetcar turnabout when the streetcar tracks were torn up in 1954.

Shopper’s City West and East.  Either Shopper’s City demarcated the end of Civilization as We Knew It.  Frieman’s department store always had one half of the Shopper’s City, while Dominion supermarket had the other half.  Tower’s Department store was also in the Shopper’s City East, sort of an early super-discount department store that carried the genetic material for a downscale Target. 

At one time Steinberg’s Grocery was a big chain in Ottawa.  Based in Montreal, it competed with the local IGA and Dominion, but it was also a linguistic and cultural divide.  Anglos shopped at IGA or Dominion, while the Francophones almost always shopped at Steinberg’s.  Any supermarket with an entire aisle dedicated to pink popcorn and Jos Louis snack cakes was tagged as “French”.

The Miss Westgate Restaurant, the Carousel Restaurant, The Green Valley and Peter’s Pantry.  A grilled cheese and bacon sandwich?  Banquette seating around an imitation merry go round?  A restaurant on the edge of the Experimental Farm where the average age of the patrons and staff was 843 years old?  Excellent pizza and Zombies that would drop a stone statue on its ass?  Check, Check, Check, Check.  Done.

The Sandpits.  Out near the airport was a huge sandpit where we used to go and slide down the side of the pit.  Bring a cardboard box as an ersatz summer toboggan.  Now expensive housing.

Brewer Park was a response to the Rideau River being essentially a sewer in the 60′s and 70′s.  It was carved out of swamp and sand like a big oblong bowl next to the river.  Conceptually the water in Brewer Park was ‘filtered’ so you could swim there in the summer when the usual Rideau River swimming parks were closed from the pollution in the river.  Brewer Park merely took the big lumps out and pumped the water into the swimming area.

The Heron Road Bridge Collapse.  On August 10, 1966, one span of the Heron Road bridge collapsed while under construction, killing nine and injuring fifty-seven more.  We took the car down to the site to see what happened and I still remember it to this day.

Autorama 68…69…70…71..72…73.. was the winter car show.  Mostly show cars, hot rods and the occasional legit race car interspersed with the various car dealerships flogging that years’ model.  Watching the Valvoline race movies of the previous year races was always a highlight.  Invariably someone would light up a race car inside the Civic Centre and scare the snot out of everyone, while enveloping the arena in choking clouds of semi-burned Sunoco 260.

Fuller’s Restaurant.  A chain restaurant now long gone, but Fuller’s was always open.  The Red Barn was also a chain burger joint that had the “Big Barney”.  You can still see the buildings on Bank Street, north of Heron Road:  They were across the street from each other and still are.  Both places had a ‘special sauce’ on their signature burgers, attempting to emulate the guk on a Big Mac.  There were too many stories about what was actually in the ‘special sauce’ to actually consume it, so we would order ‘no sauce’, if only to keep from being exposed to the supposed contents.  Royal Burger in Eastview had a special sauce as well and we avoided it as studiously.

The Ottawa Coal Gas Company and Myer’s Motors.  The Ottawa Coal Gas Company was located on what is now Algonquin College, but was known as Grant Vocational School.  You could see the coal gasification storage tank for the longest time.  As to what toxic sludge lives there, it is covered by Algonquin College and the Transitway.  Myer’s Motors used to be on Catherine Street, where the Bus Station now resides.  You could always tell when the paint booth was in operation, as the paint fumes were vented directly outdoors.

The Union Station.  What is now the Federal Conference Centre used to be the train station.  We took the CN train to Montreal for Expo67, from Union Station, as the new station out in Alta Vista wasn’t done yet.  Yes, the Queen Elizabeth Parkway used to be train tracks.  Where the Westin Hotel is was the Grand Hotel, a working-man’s hotel.  Next to it was a Canada Post sorting building where the mail would come in by train, then be sorted for delivery.

“Temporary” Buildings.  There used to be hundreds of them across the city, erected back in WWII, to house the machinery of government during wartime.  Where the city hall is, used to be a big one.  Same at Dow’s Lake, a huge one fronted Carling Avenue for the longest time.  The Temporary Buildings were deathtraps when they were put up; cold in winter, hot in summer with asbestos-wrapped pipes.  They never improved over their forty-odd years of existence.

Ice Racing on Dow’s Lake.  In the depths of winter, as part of the Winter Carnival, someone would plow a road course race track on the ice.  Then they would race cars and motorcycles on it. Of the cars, you would see original Mini Coopers and Fiats blasting around corners, with studded tires.  Invariably some loon would bring a hulking stock car to compete with the Minis.  Blindingly fast in a straight line, but couldn’t turn worth a damn, while the little rally cars ricocheted off the snowbanks.  Racing motorcycles with hundreds of sheet metal screws in the tires as ice spikes was an invitation to disaster.  We froze to death on the ice, but we loved it.

Brewer’s Retail and the Liquor Store.  In the day at the Liquor Store you could not see the display of any bottles of liquor or wine.  There was a list of products on offer around the walls; you filled in a paper slip with the product number and handed it to a government functionary.  He went through a door to the warehouse and got your bottle, then brought it to the cash register.  After you paid, he bagged it up in a plain kraft paper bag and you left. 

Brewer’s Retail was a little more relaxed, in that they had display space for one bottle of each product on offer.  The cashier would shout your order into a microphone as you paid for it, then moved over to the conveyor belt as your order magically appeared.  “Peewee Fifty” meant a six-pack of Labatt’s 50, their premium beer at the time.  “Long Red Cap” was a twelve of Carling Red Cap. “Ex” was a 24-case of Molson Export, the implied size was always 24 beers.  Only the underage or women bought Peewee or Long sizes.

Pascal’s.  It wasn’t a department store, or hardware store, or a furniture store, but under one roof in the west end on Merivale Road, Pascal’s had one of everything known to Man.  If you needed 3/8″ keyway bar stock, a sofa and restaurant grade salt shakers in a box of 12, then you went to Pascal’s.  From lumber to lingerie, Pascal’s had it.  You could buy a lathe and a dining room at the same time.

The Rough Riders.  At one time Ottawa had a Canadian Football League team with players like Russ Jackson, Whit Tucker and Gerry Organ.  The South side of Lansdowne was where we sat.  Coffee with Palm Breeze rum was the beverage of choice, rain, snow or shine, for young and old.  Only the crazed sat in the end zones.  If you couldn’t be at the game, you listened to Ernie Calcutt call it on CFRA with Dave Schreiber.  If you didn’t listen, or attend, you were a subhuman destined to a life of eternal burning Hell.  Or an Hamilton Ti-Cats fan.

That’ll do for the time being.  Let’s see what kind of link action we get out of this one.  You can always post your own peculiar Things Ottawa too. 

 

13 responses to “Things Ottawa”

  1. Arnica | February 14, 2009 at 11:11 PM | Reply | Edit

    Beamishes. Small discount stores. There was one on Bank Street opposite the Mayfair Theatre, beside the candy store. I don’t remember the name of the store, but it featured large Easter bunnies – very large – and always closed for Exhibition Week. When the safety patrollers went to the Capital, we got Crunchie Bars and, once, a gold pen.Elmer the Safety Elephant pennants below the Canadian flag at every Ottawa Public School Board school.The Auditorium where the YM/YWCA is now. Elvis played there, and a circus. I also remember the public school hockey tournament.The Minto Follies Ice Show. The Ice Capades were pale in comparison.Mutual Dairies Ice Cream in a small concrete building by the canal, just north of Pretoria Bridge. The first place in Ottawa to have more than five flavours.Skating on Dow’s Lake in the days before “The World’s Largest Skating Rink.” If there was a thaw then a hard freeze, or if it was very cold before any snow fell, then Dow’s Lake became a huge open-air rink. It happened about once every five years, for about a day or two, and there was always a hurricane blowing. Once I saw an ice boat. Of course, you could also skate on the big puddles in low lying areas of Brewer Park. Devine’s in the Byward Market – it later became Domus and now is an outdoor adventure store I think. It had the old long wooden counters, interesting ceilings and rounds of very sharp old Cheddar Cheese that the assistants cut with a sharp wire.Thanks for reactivating the memories.

  2. Steverino | January 13, 2011 at 9:49 PM | Reply | Edit

    Wow ! What interesting memories …

    Compared to other two posts, I am a baby in age, having only been around since 1976. Still, here are a few random reminisences of my own:

    movie theatres:
    – the old Towne Theatre in New Ediburgh (first renovated to a Mountain Equipment Co-op and now a pharmacy, I think)
    – going DOWN the escalators to the cinemas in the basement of the Place-de-Ville complex (one of my last memories of this place : Right before seeing a movie with a schoolmate before he moved to the UK, he broke a toe after jumping off one of the planters outside. Much to my disappointment, we had to skip the movie to take him to the emergency room.)
    – going UP the escalators to the theatres at Capitol Square (on Queen Street, at Bank), the theatre with the most comfortable seats in all of Ottawa (now at the Bytowne if I am not mistaken)
    – the Somerset Theatre (where the co-op housing directly beside the Hartman’s Independent Grocer now is)
    – seeing “Ishtar,” probably one of the WORST movies ever made, at the Elmdale Theatre in the late 1980s (the only movie I ever saw there)

    restaurants/bars:
    – the R & R Restaurant on the north-east corner of Bank and Holmwood Streets (where the Pizza Pizza now is)
    – the ground-floor and basement interior of the grand Duke of Somerset Hotel (which I only had the honour of experiencing once or twice before it was sold and gutted)
    – Benny Lo’s, the GREAT Chinese restaurant at 575 Bank Street (Queensway), now the Clocktower Pub

    shopping:
    – people smoking in the Rideau Centre while shopping (ashtrays were contained alongside the trash receptacles)
    – being in the original location of the Glebe Apothecary (where the La Strada Restaurant is)

    sports:
    – seeing Rough Rider games from the South Side upper deck for $10

  3. S. Wolf | February 26, 2011 at 8:38 PM | Reply | Edit

    Takes me back, too, though I can think of others as well.

    – The disaster that were OC-Transpo’s confusing weekend/holiday ‘Orange routes’ roughlyn thirty years back.
    – Duff’s, a terrific ‘all you can eat’ buffet place in what was then Bell’s Corners, also roughly thirty years back.
    – The line of small, often family shops along Rideau before they put up the Ridiculousw Center and ruined the appeal of the area.
    – Spending Saturday evenings at the Dominion Observatory of Canada in the summer, looking through their antique, yet still working 15″ telescope before it was moved to the Museum Of technology.
    – I remember nearly running out5 of gas because the twits at City Hall forced gas stations within the Ottawa boundaries to close at a ridiculously early hour.
    – Sampan restaurant just west of Westgate on Carling. One of only two places in the city which served ‘Breaded Bo-Bo Balls’. Changed ownership about 25 years back, after which it changed staff, menu, decor and wondered why it went under less than a year later. Pity, because the only other place which had that dish couldn’t do it right to save their lives. Inedible, even.
    – Remember the drive-in theatres? The Skyline near Fisher, the Bayshore, the Airport and one out in the east end.
    – I remember when one could see stars, lots of them, in the night sky, before the city went ‘security-happy’ and had to install powerful night lights seemingly every ten feet, with a resultant light pollution which wipes out most night sky viewing. Thanks a heap.
    –

  4. Don Runge | March 17, 2011 at 2:00 PM | Reply | Edit

    Visiting Ottawa as a kid with my brother I remember coming down Carling Avenue,which was then part of HWY 17 from Bells Corners and stopping at the Tourist Bureau Cabin across from the Towne and Country R—We lived in Pembroke at the time.

    My parents and grandparents all borne in Ottawa, the Glebe, Ottawa South Mom would talk about how she and her brothers would follow the fire truck to Brewer Park, then a dump, when it would catch on fire which was all the time and her brothers sneaking under into the Ex under the fence- which nobody seemed to mind. My Grandmother was a Mulligan and was borne on a farm which later became the Green Valley Cabins (Hwy 16). She would remember streetcar trips to Britannia Beach. Good book if you can find it, is called the Carleton Saga. Very good history of Ottawa and area.

  5. Dana | July 10, 2013 at 1:16 AM | Reply | Edit

    The Carousel Restaurant. I loved that place as a kid! Was a real pain to my folks though, always begging to be put on the carousel horses – LOL!

  6. Randy Sheik | September 28, 2013 at 2:42 PM | Reply | Edit

    I grew up in the East end and frequently visited both Shoppers City East and the Towers department store and they were never in the same building. Shoppers was at Blair and Ogilvie Roads and Towers was on Cyrville Rd.

  7. David Pridham | October 21, 2013 at 6:53 PM | Reply | Edit

    Tremdous nostalgia!!! I’d almost forgotton about the sand pits across Riverside from the airport. My dad would take me there to “slide” on summer days in the late 60′s -early 70′s. The smell of the baked goods wafting from the Morrison Lamothe bakey near the canal was an enduring memory. Another Ottawa tradition was Treble Cleff records – probably 4 or 5 of them across town during their hey day. CFRA “Top 40″ sheets would be dropped of at the Treble Cleff outlets every week and they were postioned near the 45 RPM reacks.

  8. Claude Desaulniers | October 26, 2013 at 4:45 PM | Reply | Edit

    You must be about 5 years older than me. Just wanted to say I used to work at fullers on Bank street and used to serve all these drunks. It was full at 3am. All the Chaud and Chez people and disco ducks showing up with their Camaros and custom shag-wagon vans. The restaurant was actually “Always open”. That was their slogan. Good old days.

  9. John Baker | February 18, 2014 at 5:33 AM | Reply | Edit

    I love it !!!!!!! Ah the slot cars ! Billings Bridge upstairs (now the food court area) also had a large track. Models, every kid made models, Evans and Kirts (spelling ?) at Billings Bridge used to sell models and had contests you could enter a couple of times a year. I still have my trophy from one such contest. Skate boarding on a piece of plywood with a set of steel wheels salvaged from some roller skates, skating down the ramp and under the bridge by the Chateau Laurier by the locks. I worked at several A&W’s, Bank and Alta Vista (now a car rental) was one. The “Coffee Kings” with there ‘Super B’s and Chevy 6 packs’ met every Wednesday at the A&W. Mayfair Theatre (still going strong). Going for your license on Catherine street. Getting a motorcycle license consisted of asking for one . Cushman Lambretta and Vespa scooters were the big thing, Honda 90′s were just appearing on the scene, BSA and Nortons where the big boys toys. Placing pennies on the rail tracks at Pleasant Road and waiting for the train to flatten them. Alta Vista Public school and the firemen doing demonstrations of jumping off the extended ladder on the ladder truck onto the hand held safety net (try that now). And oh yes don’t forget the ‘Nuclear Bomb Attack Sirens” and the safety drills of hiding under your desk at school if you heard that SIREN. What where they thinking? I LOVE IT !

    • Claude | February 18, 2014 at 4:19 PM | Reply | Edit

      We used to hang around Alta Vista park. We probably know some of the same people. Any of these names ring a bell . Cruikshank, Downs, Soubliere, Poulton, Loper, Desaulniers, Yendal, Lebreques, ?

  10. John Baker | February 18, 2014 at 5:40 AM | Reply | Edit

    Almost forgot! The Sand Pits. Had a birthday party out there with several friends and my dad, had a fire and cooked hot dogs. Jumping off the edges into the pits, rolling, tumbling, god that was fun. Used to ride our bikes from Alta Vista and Cunningham to the pits for a day of fun. And when you got to hot you could throw yourself into the Rideau River. No bridges, no condos, it was out in the sticks as we would say.

  11. John Baker | February 18, 2014 at 5:48 AM | Reply | Edit

    Anyone remember the Christmas tree fires at the dump, beside the Rideau River by the Riverside Hospital. In January or February after all the Christmas trees had been collected and dumped they were piled into one large pile and set ablaze, it was a party, it was advertised and hundreds of people attended. Ah, the Good Old Days, well maybe not, but it was fun.

5 Comments

Posted in Ersatz History

Mason Baveux Goes Oly

Posted on February 14, 2014 | 1 comment

We turn the blog over to our pinch hitter Mason Baveux for his, um, unique take, on the Olympics in Sochi.  Mason?

Thanks for bloggery Davey as you know I watch er close enough for four people, let alone just meself.

The Openin Ceremonials were what I’d expect from a country what was Commie for so long.  It looks like they sold off the producin rights to the drug-addled dope heads what did the French Winter Olys in 1992 in Albertville.  There was dancers flyin all over the place while they shot pictures down on the arena floor and then reenacted the Battle of Kursk with flyin rigs and no tanks.  Plus they left out the bit about Stalin killin about a third of the population when he woke up from a four-day vodka toot.  Not all of us are as forgetful as that, doncha know. Citius, Altius, What the Fookius?

As for Sochi, there were enough stories about rooms without doors, or taps that dispensed hot and cold sewage that I don’t need to bring that back up.  Oh and the shots of the main drag in Sochi havin friggin palm trees for chrissakes.  Jesus Mary and Gord, do those dough-heads at the IOC not check an atlas before they give up the rights?  It seems they got snow alright, if you consider ground up ice that’s sloppier than the ex-wife’s twat to be real snow-snow.  Crap lads, hold the Winter Olys somewheres they have Winter.  Should maybe write that down as Rule #1. 

I was all wound up to report on the Snowstyle Skiing what it is a new Oly sport, when I come down with a case of of the flu what caused me to be on my arse for near close a week.  They fed me full of over the counter cold medicine that when mixed up with the rum I was takin for medicinal purposes caused a couple of issues.  I think Canada won some Gold Medals there, but all I could see was some girls and a couple of guys fallin down a hill arse over teakettle on skis, what then get a score.  Seems you get the high score if you don’t actually die.  I think I missed some in there from the medicine, so’s it not the whole story. 

I want to take a moment here and talk about the Gay Right thing what was all in the papers before the Sochi Games.  It’s like CCM or Bauer for skates.  Some like the Taks, other like the Bauers.  I’m a CCM guy, so don’t be wavin your Bauer’s at me.  And don’t come round with some raggedly ass Nike skates.  There just wrong and then there’s Wrong with a capital letter.  I’m from the old school of what you do in private is up to you.  If you like this or that equipment, that’s your choice and as long as you’re not offerin something I don’t want and are willin to accept a polite “Eff Off” then I got no issue. 

When the Russian government and Vladimir Putin gets up on the back legs about the gays not bein gayish in Sochi, then maybe they should look at some of the sports, like two-man luge, ice dancin or Bobsleddin then think for another eleven seconds afore openin your borscht hole.  Don’t be a bad host or a bad guest, but if your host is offerin you a roasted goat ballsack covered in chocolate sprinkles, you can just say no, politely and wait for the Chex Party Mix to come by again.  A good guest don’t do nothin to offend and the host don’t offer somethin that’s goin to make people angry.  A bit of give and take, is all I’m sayin.    

Fancy Skatin:  Patty Chan did a fine job today, nailin a Silver in the Fancy Skatin and that Japanese 19 year old kid is goin to be a killer come 2018 wherever the hell they’re hostin next.  I was confused, or mebbe I didn’t hear right, but one of the Oly commentators said Patrick Chan had a chink in his armour.  I didn’t near but laugh my rum across the room in a spit take that Sid Caesar woul’d laughed at and now he’s dead, don’t you know.

Girl’s Ski Jumpin:  Holy Fook me!  I’m for it.

Cross-Country:  Mother of Pearl those folks are fit.  I’d like to see them change up the biathalon though.  Two loops, one clockwise, one counter, but they meet in the middle where the gun range is.  No targets, except your competitors across the way.  I think that’d change it up a bit and harken back to the early days of WWII when Finland took on the Russkies and damn near beat their asses.

Tag Team Luge:  This’ere a new one, but I think they missed the boat.  They should start side by side and be allowed to duke it out on the way down.  Sort of like the bike pursuit in the Summer Olys.  One chasin, and one runnin away from the other, but we’d have to say no to the spikes in the gloves.

Canada’s gettin’er done over there.  And I’s back to the Benlyn with the Codeine and the Captain Morgan chaser.  Later.

1 Comment

Posted in Guest Commentator, Organizations, Social Constructs