We knew he wanted to…
Thanks lad for the chance to wrap up the Olys, so here’s givin ‘er.
Canada went through her Bronze Age this time with a whack of Bronzes, ‘cept for the Trampoline, what we won outright. I didn’t know the trampoline was an Oly sport, as the only time else you see it is on America’s Funniest Home Videos when someone misses and jambs their nutsack on the springs. Rowin and Soccer we did good at too.
Now havin watches a goodly amount of the Citius Altius Fortius go down I’se got a few thoughts. One, NBC should b ashamed to show their faces. They can get pictures from Mars in 14 minutes, but take six effin hours to get any events over to the US of A. Second, we don’t care if the next door neighbours cousin of the gal who molded the bathing cap for the US Water Polo team captain is an triple amputee Iraqi war veteran with an artificial anus what was shot away. If ya gotta stretch that far for some kinda story line, then dollars to donuts, there’s no effin story. By the way, note to NBC, there were other countries at the Olys: ‘Bout a couple of hundred of them.
China: You could tell that all their athletes were performin under duress as the legal beagles would say. One lad got the Silver in the divin and you could tell what he was thinkin’ “Fook. They’re going to shoot my mom and pop and cut the fingers off my grandma ‘cause I didn’t go Gold.” (‘Ceptin he thought it in Chineeses) He’s probably not far from right either. I wish China would let their athletes know that you are allowed to smile once a month, especially if you do something good. Sort of reminded me of the Olys Of Old when there was a Soviet Union around. None of them smiled either as they knew that the KGB would send them to Siberia to collect polar bear manure on an ice floe if they didn’t get the Gold.
Some sports we never knew were sports were BMX bikin, Mountain bikin and Bein a Consular Puke. Some countries athletes were outnumbered by their Chefs Du Missions and general cling-ons suckin on the Oly Teat. I’s willing to bet they don’t stay at some one star flophouse neither. Hot and Cold runnin champagne plus more room service silvous plait, I’m a friggin Oly Official Representative from Elbonia!
As for the BMX and the Moutain Bikin events, they’re so messed up that even the commentators were dumbfounded. The mountain bikers go up and down some track that would make a goat give up halfway through, then puke on international television after they cross the finish line. The BMX’ers should all the tested for drugs as the only way any sane boy or girl would take on that sport would be if they were seein square out of one eye and round out of the other and the coaches promised them a bag of Doritos at the end of ‘er.
U-Bolt. Jeezus Mary and Joseph he’s fast! Is he the greatest of all time? Eff no. All he does is run fast. I’d vote for any of the Decatheletes, what can jump over stuff, throw stuff, toss stuff and run nearly as fast, plus run fast over fences too. That’s much more impressive than any sprinter.
Oly Sports I’d Like to See: Ditch almost all the sports what requires five judges assessin the ascendancy of the lithe athleticisms and deteminations of how much you got your pinky pointed in sync with the musical interpretation. That’s not a sport, but just an opinion. None of the judges could do it, so how the hell do they know? They don’t, so s-can it. Opinions are like arseholes: Everybody’s got at least one.
Real sports are things us folks can do, but done way much more better. Javelin I understand. I can chuck a spear farther than you can, measure it up, longest throw gets the medal. Same with runnin. Clock says I’m faster than you are, so gimme the medal. However, I’d like to see some scrappin during it too. No lanes to stay in and you can use the elbows if you want. Just remember that puttin the elbow to someone does slow you down a piece, so’s it wouldn’t get completely out of control. That’d make the relay races more fun as you’re givin’em a length of hardwood dowell that’s about the right size and heft to cause some ruckus.
Fer the jumpin sports, I’d ditch the soft pit they land in. Either put down a cottage sofa bed, or a bale of billiard balls. You can jump as high as you’re willing to risk landing, which is what kids do all the time. If theyd a had them cushy air mattresses when I was a kid, we wouldn’t have minded jumpin off the Wentzell’s garage roof near as much and might have even jumped out the second floor windows too.
Discus? Replace that thing with a garbage can lid.
Hammer Throw? An Estwing 30 oz framing hammer would do just fine. None of this windy-winder up. Grab a hold and heave like you’re trying to brain that retard first year apprentice journeyman with the snotty attitude.
Kayak, canoe and rowing? Didn’t see any beer around, so new rule, you gotta carry at least a two-four for every person in the boat.
Shotput? Replace with a big rock, or to go all Winter-Summer Oly Fusion here, have them heave a curling stone. You don’t need anyone sweepin tho.
Bike sports can be reduced to one. You got 15 miles, but you’ve got a courier bag and you gotta go through traffic from here to there at rush hour and you pick your own route. First one what gets the package signed for, wins the gold.
Boxing, Judo, Taekwando? All three at the same time and all the competitors at the same time by weight class. Out here in the real world it’s called Saturday Night at the Mackey House Tavern. Beer Optional, except cans only, as we don’t want to see someone get brained with a quart bottle by ‘accident’ on purpose. Last guy or gal standing wins.
Soccer/Football. Leave it be, except make sure the refs are like the professional refs and don’t call penalties for anything less than packing a shank on the field.
Fencing. Drop the mask and padding. The only protection you get is a ping pong ball on the end of your opponent’s sword. First one to cry Uncle loses, or bleeds to death.
Pistol: Seems good to me, same with air pistol, except I’d like to see it done on the run with the other competitors shooting back at you from the target line.
Gymnastics: I’m goin out on a limb here but I say shitcan it all, even though I watched a lot of it for research purposes for my thesis on Olympic Camel Toe Of History. Same with synchronized swimming, synchronized diving and diving in general. I’d leave one diving sport in and that’d be Cannonball. Biggest splash wins from either 3 meter or 10 meter, or both. We gotta have some games for those who are dimensionally challenged and the Cannonball would be great for the fat kids to develop some self-esteem, bein all inclusive and politically correct don’tcha know.
Runnin, I’d add a 100 meter Stolen Goods Dash, where the runners’d have to pick from a big screen TV or a dozen wine bottles to run with. The runners get a 10 meter start, then the local cops start after them with the billy stick out.
Tennis and Badminton: OK, she can stay in as one for the pansyasses. Volleyball has to be done on a beach while half cut on the rum, not in some gymnasium.
Sailing. I’d say OK, but the beer rule has to stand. One two-four per occupant, but give the little boats an edge. Everyone gets a flare gun and six rounds you can use at your discretion. You gotta have flares in a boat don’tcha know?
Archery: Same as pistol, the competitors can shoot back from the target line.
Show Jumpin: I can live with that, but not dressage. I’d say add harness racin too.
Ultimate Frisbee: Not on my watch. No effin’ way.
I’d add a few other new events too:
Olympic Suitcase Toss. You bring a suitcase with your own stuff in it. Competitors choose bags at random and have to toss it onto a ramp and load it. Fastest one to do the front hold on a two-holer 737-300 wins. You could get tricky by packing a set of matched anvils, but so could your competitors, so’s its in your interests to play square, but it has to be your own, personal, stuff that you wear and would pack for a trip. Here’s hoping that don’t include Swardowski Crystal napkin rings and wine goblets.
Beer Pong: Self Explanatory and more fun than Ping Pong.
Bare-knuckle boxing. Also bare-assed boxing. No headgear, no gitch, no mouthguard. Buck naked, bare fisted, belly to belly beat-down. The naked part is to honour the Ancient Olympics and to keep someone from bringin a roll of quarters to the match.
Rock-Scissors-Paper-Shot. Rock-Scissors-Paper and the loser has to take a full 2 oz shot, which is why Crown Royal would be the perfect sponsor.
Go Fish or Crazy Eights. Gotta have something for the kids.
Wake the Neighbours: Held after hours in the Oly Village. Using only your voice, garbage cans or a stick, get as many lights on as you can in 30 seconds at 0300 without pulling the fire alarm.
Chub Toss: You get a full three-foot long, unsliced, chub of Schneider’s Bologna. One who tosses it furthest, wins. Or you could do a watermelon.
Draft Carry: Most 64 oz jugs of draft carried a distance of 20 feet, with the least spillage. It’s a critical skill to hone up on.
Roll Yer Own: How many smokes can you roll in 60 seconds?
Belorussian Dip. Same as the dunk tank from the carnival, but you take it in turns to either throw the ball or sit on the dunk chair. Round-robin best of five.
Queue waiting: This is one of the more passive Oly sports I’ve come up with. They set up them strap corral veal pens what you wait in at the Bank or the MoT. There’s only one clerk and the last person to lose their cool is the Gold medal winner. It be more of an endurance event and no, you’re not allowed Depends or a catheter.
Doping: Daveys talked about this afore and I concurr with his concept. No doping rules at all. The only rule is that the winner has to walk, unaided, alive, to the podiums to accept the medal. This might mean we see lads runnin’ the 100 in 3 seconds, like a Porsche at the Stoplight Grand Prix. As long as they can walk, unaided to get their medal after a bit, then it’s all good. Odds are you’d see some North Korean burst into flames at the 60 meter mark, or just his heart busting out of his chest across the tape, but we let’em go as fast as the science and their bravery will let’em.
Lawn Darts: Bring’em back. The real ones, not the sissy ones.
Black Powder Anvil Shooting. They do this down south in the USofA and use black powder to shoot real anvils into the sky. Highest wins, but the degree of difficulty counts, as some of the competitors might be missing a few fingers or toes from unfortunate training mishaps.
That’s my take on the Olys. They’re going to Rio next?
RoadDave 