Category Archives: Social Constructs

If it took the fall of the World Trade Center for the world to see that New York City has a heart, then Chicago only needs a hangnail. 

To a person, including the street guy who wanted me to give him 10 bucks for a room for the night, Chicagoans are universally nice people.  Doormen, servers, street sweepers, counter people, doesn’t matter.  They’re just nice folks.  They don’t mind giving you directions, or sending you on the right path.  They don’t seem to mind idle chitchat to pass the time.  They also don’t seem to take themselves that seriously.  Baseball, Football and Basketball are Serious.  But the rest of life is more relaxed. 

New York City, in my pre-9-11 experience, was an essentially grumpy place.  There was a move afoot to change the state motto on the license plates from “Empire State” to “You’ve see it, now Fuck Off”  NYC also had too many people per square foot for my liking.  Chicago is just as population dense, but it doesn’t seem as oppressed by it. 

Downtown is a skyscraper canyon like NYC.  A few zillion folks commute in every morning and zoom out every night, but the attitude is more of we want to work here, not we MUST work here.

There is a way to see how the global economy is doing.  It’s almost infallible and works in any economy that has a Yellow Pages type of book for their phone system. 

So far, in the cities that I’ve visited on the trip I occasionally check the Escorts pages.  Now, not because I want to book these professionals, but the number of pages of display ads tends to tell you about how the economy is running.  If the whores are busy, then people have enough cash to buy some professional boot polishing. Which means the economy is doing OK.

When escort display advertising is down, then folks are hoarding their money and even promises of luscious things can’t convince them to part with the coinage.  Ergo, the economy is in the shitter.  It works in every city except known convention towns like Vegas and New Orleans, where there is always a market for trouser hoovers for salesmen from Dubuque, Iowa in town for the “Sheetmetal Screw 02” convention.

The next time you’re on the road, scope out the poontang pages and see the real economy in action.  Greenspan would never testify to a Senate committee that this is the real measure of an economy.

I broke down and did the Mall of America on Sunday.  Forgive me all: I did it for Marylou, who wanted, at least by proxy, a visit to the biggest, baddest retail environment in the US of A.  So, I went and looked at it.  I even bought some stuff I needed.  I walked all four floors of this colossus, all four corners. 

It is set up as a retailing environment around an amusement park in the middle.  Each floor has, like any other mall, a target audience and a programed feel to it.  Upscale women’s clothing followed by jewellery, followed by shoes and more fashions, then something for the teenage daughter.  Men?  Not unless you count The Gap.  I walked for nearly five miles in the mall proper looking for a men’s store, as I wanted to buy some golf shirts and underwear.  Nope.  I have to be a teenager or a woman, unless I want a t-shirt that says “I’m old and I smell.  Get over it.”

The Amusement part of Mall of America consists of a lame ride or three and the more dangerous, “Cereal Adventure”  Here you can, courtesey of General Mills, learn about breakfast cereal, but only if you’re under 16.  Adults are only welcome if they are accompanying their youngest, immobile infants.  Otherwise, General Foods wants you kids, alone.  Judging by the number of unescorted yard apes, Mom and Dad had no problem parking the issue for a couple of hours to be indoctrinated into the Capitalist Brotherhood. 

I couldn’t go in, (no kid with me) but I did notice the blending station, where young consumers can choose the percentage of varior cereals to be mixed in their box.  The proportions start with 99% sugar and go up from there.  I’m certain any child choosing the low-sugar option (cardboard off-cuts from the packaging line) would be swiftly whisked off for reprogramming while being forced to watch the animatronic Farmer Brown one more soul-scarring time.

Rides? Ferris wheel, Pirate ship and “The Giant Axe”  I think its a sort of Paul Bunyanesque tribute without mentioning Paul Bunyan or Babe the Blue Ox.  Oh, there is also the Underwater Adventure, which as best as I can tell is a big aquarium and the sole tip of the hat to ‘edjacatin’.  Is West Edmonton Mall bigger?  Hell yes and has a decent amusement park at the expected usurious ride rates.  West Ed also has a Hooters and more restaurants that offer food you actually can eat.  Mall of America has the biggest selection of Poppy Wokky Popeye BK McD Orange Julius Nathans than any retail environment needs. 

There ARE upscale fooderies here.  Planet Hollywood and an Italian place that looks almost respectable, but noboy eats there.  There is more than one fork and the napkins aren’t in a fiberglass clown, therefore it is dangerous to Midwestern sensibilities.

Is Mall of America a success?  Of course it is.  It rakes in buckets of money every day.  Based on my eyeball survey, each consumer was loaded down with at least $100 worth of stuff.  Not counting the drinks and snacks and nibblies that they needed to sustain themselves for the marathon. 

Is Mall of America a societal success?  Of course, it gives the consumer miles of aisles of what they want in an environment that forces the shopper to part with cash.  And the whole place feels like The Stepford Wives Go Shopping.  Anesthesia and Retail.  The perfect mix.