Category Archives: News and politics

To understand why the US Federal Government has loaned American International Group (AIG) just under $85 billion to keep it afloat, one must understand the arcana of high level corporate insurance and finance.

AIG, more correctly a segment of AIG, the Financial Products group, has been issuing and carrying insurance for big investment houses on their investments since they took over Drexel Burnham Lambert’s derivative group when Drexel burned up in the late 80’s in the junk bond scandal.  Remember Michael Miliken? 

Needless to say to keep up appearances (read: Profits) AIG had to bet on both sides of the equation in any finance or insurance deal.  This is what insurance companies do:  Insurance is nothing more than a bet that you won’t get into a car accident, or burn down your house.  Actuaries are the ones who make book on the likelihood of something bad happening.

Part of AIG’s Financial Products offering was insurance that Collateralized Debt Obligations (CDO’s) wouldn’t go into the shitter.  CDO’s were pools of securities packaged by investment banks, based on paper they bought from mortgage lenders.  See Financially Counter-intuitive posted yesterday for the 411 on what happens when a side of bacon and a box of rocks gets financed for a mortgage.

Until recently, the bond rating organizations, like Moody’s or Standard and Poor’s would rate these CDO’s, called super-senior deals, as AAA, meaning, The Safest.  With AIG providing insurance on the deal, guaranteeing the rate of return, the securities were about as safe as you could get.  Of course there would be the occasional loss, but AIG figured that it could only be a billion or so.

Meanwhile another AIG holding, International Lease Finance Corporation was up to its armpits in leasing passenger aircraft.  ILFC is the largest (by dollar) lessor of aircraft to the airlines of the world.  We know what kind of money swamp airlines are, but Wall Street is looking at ILFC as one of the assets of AIG that might actually be worth something.

As auditors started poking into the most egregious mortgages and the collateral underneath them ("Whaddya mean a side of bacon and box of rocks own a two-storey house in Scottsdale?  Were you friggin’ high when you wrote this loan up?") the underpinnings of super-senior deals started to look very wobbly.  AIG, handling both ends of the deal and the insurance on the deal, started to wobble too.

However, AIG is also the largest commercial and industrial insurer in the US.  AIG does car insurance to individuals, along with life insurance and fixed annuities for the retired.  Naturally all these moving parts are tied to each other, as accountants do a shell game with losses from one area being covered by profits in another and insured by yet another. 

By May 2008, AIG reported that they held more than $20 billion dollars worth of potential dog poop in a bag.  This figure probably included a property owned by a side of bacon and a box of rocks in Scottsdale.

Now, as to why the US Federal Government bailed AIG out is simple.  AIG couldn’t get financing to keep going.  All the banks, brokerages and investment houses that helped propel AIG to the top of the heap suddenly looked at their own balance sheet and said they couldn’t afford the risk.  Phones were answered with "AIG who?  Never heard of ’em". 

The US government could not afford the holder of the savings and insurance for millions of citizens to go Tango Uniform.  Wall Street created the beast and now the US taxpayer is bailing AIG out with loan guarantees. 

Consequently the US taxpayer owns just under 80 percent of a company that holds at least $20 billion worth of toxic loans, aircraft leases in a time of declining revenues, a pervasive insurance business, the retirement funds of millions of citizens and a board of directors that in all likelihood have Golden Parachutes the size of Montana.

So far, nobody has been fired, stripped of their bonuses and stock options, or driven naked through the streets at the wrong end of a bullwhip.  This will never happen, as the high finance folks are the ‘base’ and we all know that the base protects itself, at the same time as it suckles at the government teat.

It all tracks back to mortgage lenders doing a wink and a nod to Wall Street, doing a wink and a nod to the insurers and a wink and a nod back from the regulators, meaning the SEC and the US Government. 

The financial meltdown isn’t a crisis of confidence, or an adjustment, or a swing in valuation.  It’s fraud and fault of regulators who let this nonsense happen with a wink and a nod to the ‘base’.

Let’s see if we can make sense of the financial meltdown in the US, as it is completely counter-intuitive if you watch any of the news coverage.

Lehman Brothers, an investment bank, went into the toilet on Sunday/Monday, essentially owing more than they had.  At the same time, Bank of America bought Merrill Lynch, as Merrill Lynch owed more than they had, getting Merrill at a fire-sale price.  Meanwhile American International Group is looking for international money to prop up their share price.  Goldman-Sachs, yet another investment bank reported "disappointing" quarterly results today.  Morgan Stanley is expected to follow suit with a crappy quarter tomorrow.

FYI:  None of these organizations are ‘banks’ in the sense that they take depositors’ money and loan it out to other folks.  These are investment ‘banks’ that buy shares in other companies, or buy derivatives of shares, or hedges, or simple gambles with Other People’s Money.

Each of these financial meltdowns are traceable back to the mortgage lending fiascos of the past few years.  A side of bacon and a box of rocks could get a $250,000 mortgage with nothing down, no job, no prospects of a job and not even so much as a pulse. 

The companies that sold these things made all their money up front, with their service fees, documentation charges, lending fees, paperclip fees and charges for the air that they breathed in.  Some would even roll the fees into the financed amount so the side of bacon and box of rocks could move in next week.  Naturally the mortgage company, essentially paper shifters, didn’t want to own the mortgage, they wanted to package a couple of hundred of these loans up and sell them.

Investment banks looked at the title "Mortgage-Backed Security" and figured, What the hell, why not?  Mortgages are sensible investments and if worst comes to worst and ten percent of the loans are dogs, we wind up owning a few houses.  However, to ensure that the dogs wouldn’t drag down the price, they packaged several smaller packages into larger packages and then sold the lot to other investors, collecting their fees, commissions and nickel and dime charges up front.

The buyers, usually larger investment houses and funds would figure "Hey, Merrill Lynch doesn’t sell crap, so we’ll charge our customers a premium for getting a piece of this pie."  So they did, again making their money up front.

Every quarter during the last few years you would hear about ‘whispered’ numbers and ‘street numbers’ regarding the quarterly profits of all the investment banks.  What these are, essentially, are rumours and semi-educated wild-ass-guesses by other gamblers regarding who is going to report what level of profit per share, the dividend.  At the same time the stock market is betting, via the share price, that everything is peachy. Meanwhile others are betting that the share price is going to drop and splash up like a high-fibre turd.

This translates into brokers, depending on their orientation, calling their customers, be it individuals, or groups of investors and screaming "buy" or "sell".  Oddly enough these brokers and their companies, depending on their insider knowledge, gut feel, or corporate line, make commission on the sales. 

Then there are the nay-sayers who have a bunch of buyers lined up to buy shares after the bad news hits, the so-called dead-cat bounce, who own the shares for a hour or two, then sell it at the peak of the dead-cat bounce to others.  More commission changes hands as one group bets that the dead cat will bounce a little bit higher, or lower. 

We’ve seen the counter-intuitive.  Merrill Lynch’s share price went up when it was disclosed that it was being bought, while Bank of America’s shares went down as the buyer.  This is nothing more than insiders betting with Other People’s Money, hoping to make a few thousand dollars selling a cadaver before the autopsy.

Lehman Brothers, Merrill and hundreds of other investment ‘banks’ are running what is little more than blatant insider trading in rumour, innuendo, suggestion and a complete lack of due diligence.  Essentially they are no better than the idiots who bet on slot machines or dice, or even the lottery.  Except they get to charge a commission on every bet with Other People’s Money. 

More correctly, your money.  This would be your RRSP, or 401-(k) or your mutual funds, or even your mortgage.  When the investment ‘banks’ lose money, they have to charge more and this affects your finances. 

The real banks say that expenses are up, so they have to charge more, or turn down people, or stick a whack of fees up you to nickel and dime their way back to the ‘whispered’ number of a quarterly dividend being bet on by brokers playing with Other People’s Money. 

(Since they’re beating the term like a red-headed stepchild, I’m going to trademark Republican for Change(tm)  That’s mine!)

Here’s the short strokes on Sarah Palin, for good or ill, now that we’ve had a couple of weeks of her as run through the filter of the party handlers and speech writers.  Especially after her interview with Charles Gibson of ABC.

What we’ll do, as an exercise only, is move the calendar to 2011.

Assume the McCain-Palin Republicans for Change(tm) ticket wins the Presidential election in the US with a reasonable plurality.

Assume the economy keeps wobbling along on three wheels, two of which are flat-spotted from the War in Iraq then Afghanistan and the Fannie Mae – Freddy Mac bailout.  Taxes for everyone but the "base" go up to pay for it.  Funny that.

Assume Vladimir Putin, via his lapdog Dmitry Medvedev decides to crank up something along the lines of a Oil-Based Cold War doing the Geo-Political Two-Step.  Watch for the oil taps to Europe being turned off, on and off again, depending on how much Putin gets the night before, the locations of the US Missile Defence Shield and which former Soviet-bloc country is on Putin’s shitlist that morning. ("Georgia, no, Hungary, no, We did the Ukraine last week and it wasn’t any fun.  Let’s mess with Estonia!  Dmitry, turn the taps off and tell NATO to kiss my ass!)

Assume China wakes up one morning with an insatiable thirst for oil beyond what it has now, but wants the oil at a ‘friends’ price.  Putin tells China to cornhole a panda. ("Pектально нарушьте панду для того чтобы держать тепло!" would be the approximate translation)   

China and Russia start making ugly noises at each other.  The last time was in 1969, but that was before various pipelines across the ‘Stans started pumping oil to Europe.  There are several important oil and gas pipelines in Kazakhstan.  (For those who have forgotten, or never took, post-Soviet geography, Kazakhstan is in the top left corner of China.)     

This would be what could be loosely described as a global "Uh Oh…" moment where the person in the Big Chair in Washington needs to step up. 

Of the four US candidates in 2008, both Veeps and both Prez’s, two have the track record and expertise to either do the job, or provide good advice.  That would be John McCain or Joe Biden for those keeping score.

However, let us assume the actuarial tables are correct about John McCain, as the calendar is now 2011. 

Assume that Sarah Palin is in the Big Chair in Washington and has a Secretary of State with the depth of Tom Delay.  Or, the guy who runs the Zamboni at the Wasilla Multi-Use Sports Complex.  His nickname is Slappy and he’s been wearing a hockey helmet every day since Grade 2 when the door to the short bus opened in front of the school. 

Condi Rice can’t be tapped as she was not a Republican for Change(tm).  Being single and childless at her age, Condi must be one of ‘those’ people and can’t be trusted as Rice will corrupt everyone who comes in contact with her.  Plus, Rice is black and obviously just a community organizer with a big resume. 

Shotgun Dick Cheney is still in the Undisclosed Location and refuses to leave.  A dome has been placed over the Undisclosed Location to keep out the curious and if truth be told, to keep Cheney in.  There were too many incidents with illegal-alien prostitutes going missing after ICE agents raided meat-packing plants.

Kousin Karl is back on the Rubber Chicken Circuit with Ari Fleisher, doing a double-act for the "base" at $150,000 a night.  The line that gets the biggest laugh from the ‘base’ is when Karl Rove silently mouths the word ‘health care’. 

Donnie Rumsfeld is still on the sofa in Virginia, watching the UFC Championship on SpikeTV drinking Dr.Pepper cut with grain alcohol.

Palin knows enough not to call Former President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy for advice:  He’s in Crawford being distracted by a sock puppet with a shiny collar and a microphone who is offering to pre-approve him for a car loan.  Laura’s been hitting the Atavan pretty hard since the inauguration and looks more like a Hummel figurine than a human, especially since the other Bush twin took up with some DJ who used to date Lindsay Lohan.

This leave who to advise the boss?  Pat Buchanan?  The Joint Chiefs?  Dougie Feith?  David Frum?  Slappy?  Or does she fall back on her hockey mom experience and send China and Russia for a ‘time out’?   

There’s lack of experience, but the real problem is lack of bench strength.  There won’t be anyone left with a lick of sense to provide advice if the Republicans for Change(tm) take office. 

By 2011 the last of the most venal Ronald Regan – Ed Meese era Republican Reptiles will have retired.  In their place will be policy wanks who can mouth the platitudes but don’t know how to actually do the job unless someone tells them how.  That would be the lobbyists and think-tank yahoos. 

Expect the US Military to be outsourced, along with the FAA, the FDA, Homeboy Security, the GAO and the VA.  Even the guys who keep the Eternal Flame burning on Kennedy’s grave at Arlington National Cemetery will be ‘rationalized’ then hired for $5.95 an hour by a division of Haliburton.

This tells me the real strategy, the true reality, is that McCain and Palin are cardboard cutouts doing the bidding of the Republicans Reptiles.  McCain, less so, but Palin could easily be construed as something that fell off the Central Casting truck.  Which means all the McCain-Palin talk about Change is merely that: Talk.

Perhaps what they mean by Republicans for Change(tm) is exactly how much you’ll have left of your paycheck.

Up here above the 49th, we’re in a Federal Election.  Like our southern cousins, we have leadership debates, but being a parliamentary democracy, we have a few extra parties compared to the US.  Elizabeth May is the head of the Green Party, a straight-up environmentally-oriented party.  The Greens have one elected representative and it isn’t Elizabeth May.  For the record it is Blair Wilson in the West Vancouver-Sunshine Coast-Sea to Sky Country riding.

A consortium of the broadcast networks wanted to do a televised Leader’s Debate, as they have for just about all the federal elections since the mid-60’s.  In asking the various parties for their terms and conditions, it came to light over the weekend that the Conservatives and the NDP would not play in the same sandbox with Elizabeth May as she was not actually elected to a seat in the House and "she’s smelly and has cooties and she’s a girl too…ewwww…"

The other two parties, the Liberals and the Bloc Quebecois essentially said "Sure, why not?"  Consequently the broadcast consortium didn’t invite Elizabeth May to the Leader’s Debate, in order to get the NDP and the Conservatives into the tent. 

When this came out in public, there was what could be charitably described as a collective manure rain by actual voters, descending on the Conservatives, the NDP and the broadcasters.  The polite calls and emails to the usual suspects started with "You pudknocking rat-violators, pull your heads out of your colons and…"

Yesterday evening the Conservatives and the New Democratic Party changed their collective minds and agreed to let Elizabeth May participate in the Leader’s Debates.  This is a good thing.

For starters, the Greens actually have a platform for environmental change.  Less oil, less carbon, more wind and solar, more recycling. 

The Conservatives eco-plan is to not drill for oil in downtown Calgary with illegal aliens during daylight hours as it will bother the crews of prisoners building the coal-fired generation plant with the asbestos chimney.

The NDP has a Green Plan, which is in the Witness Protection program and lives in a trailer park near Oshawa under an assumed name.  Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is the platform.

The Liberals Green Plan is a combination of taxes and rebates for farmers whose last names end with vowels, on alternate Tuesdays, but only if they made less than $11,614 in 1994 per Box 7 (a.1) on their T-4 for 1995.  In trying to make sense of the Liberal plan, Stephen Hawking said, via his voice box "I can’t figure this out, screw it…" 

The Bloc Quebecois is the easiest to understand:  "It is our right as a sovereign nation within Canada to ensure that all the environment belongs to all Quebecers, except the ones we don’t really like and No Anglos."

What is happening is Elizabeth May, on the one issue that Canadians actually agree on, has sawn the enviro-plank out of the platform of all the other parties.  She’s going to mop the floor with Harper, Layton, Dion and Duceppe.  It’s all thanks to regular Canadians screaming like the enraged stewards of the democratic process they’re supposed to be.

Maybe this election won’t be as smelly as originally anticipated.

Our Prime Minister Stephen "Steve" Harper had breakfast with the Governor-General Michaelle Jean this morning, Steve bringing the two double-doubles and a box of Timbits.  Over the donut holes and coffee, Steve let slip that he wanted a Federal Election called for October 14th. 

The G-G, who usually takes her coffee milk-only and was eyeing a powdered-sugar dusted cherry-filled Timbit said "Yessss…." as she gobbled the object of her donut affection.  Steve though she meant "Yes" for the Election writ, then jumped up and said "Gotta go…" and snagged the remainder of the box of Timbits.  There were probably 35 left out of the box of 45.

Which means we’re in a Federal Election.  Parliament is now dissolved, the media pundit class is rising up on their back legs to examine the entrails and the camera crews are stocking up on antacids to counter the food related products they will be consuming in the next few weeks on the campaign bus, plane and train.

The rest of us Canadians, who were not privy to sharing a box of Timbits with the PM, are looking at the offerings from the four political parties and wondering where we can throw up. 

Unfortunately our federal ballots do not have a box which says "None of the Above" 

Our esteemed Prime Minister Stephen "Steve" Harper has been going out of his way to twist the nostrils of his political opposition, threatening another Federal Election.

Harper is a political bully of the Rumsfeld and Cheney class of manipulative control freaks who needs to micro manage anything and everything, subsequently managing nothing.  This perfectly sums up the last two years of federal governance in Canada.  The government sent out a press release saying nothing has changed and they’re right.  Our lapdog media naturally published the press release in its’ entirety making sure that all Canadians know that nothing has changed. 

This could be construed as a good thing, but what it truly shows is the utter lack of imagination in our media and our politicians.  Now Harper is lining up to run another Federal election up the Canadian colon.

Harper is the US historical equivalent of Herbert Hoover, or Silent Cal Coolidge, a fiscal conservative, a bible-thumper and as communicative as a box of rocks.  For years he’s wanted to be George Bush’s buddy, to the point of the rest of Canada cringed when Bush came to town:  Harper would usually spend the week after a Bush visit in the hospital, getting his cheeks puffed back out from sucking so hard.

The alternatives facing the Canadian voter are:

Stephane Dion of the Liberals (semi-Democrats for the US readers) who is recognized on the streets of Ottawa by seven or eight people.  Outside of Ottawa, voters know he exists but couldn’t pick him out of a police line up.  He might as well be in the witless protection program.  No that’s not a typo.  The Liberals, the at-one-time Natural Ruling Party of Canada, couldn’t organize a two-car funeral these days.

Jack Layton of the New Democratic Party (Social Democrat-near-Socialist in US context) looks like the supervisor of the Meat Department at your local Safeway.  His party has a couple of good ideas but is fighting with one hand behind their back, as their leader is charisma-challenged.  Jack looks like he longs to be back amongst the blade steaks and the roasts. 

Gilles Duceppe is the leader of the Bloc Quebecois, a regional party with mono-mania and an inability to change the subject.  Outside of Quebec, the citizens of Canada look at Duceppe as one looks upon a mentally challenged cousin:  We wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a Silver at the Special Olympics in the 200 meter drool.

There is also Elizabeth May of the Green Party.  She’s almost lifelike but still hasn’t got a seat in Parliament, despite some reasonable attempts and has no prospect of getting a seat unless an entire riding in British Columbia decides to drink the bong water on election day.

Meanwhile, the humble citizens go about their business, hoping that Harper gets back on his meds and stops this foolishness of asking for an election.  We don’t want one.  The alternatives to Harper are so confused, unexciting and inappropriate that voting will only be allowed for those who have taken a course of Immodium and have put a wooden clothespin on their nose before marking their X.

Let us now dissect the past month and a half of US Politics in a few hundred well chosen words.

President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy has kept a very low profile as a lame-duck President, as he should.  He’s still an idiot of the first water:  Even the National Association of Village Idiots are offended by his very existence. 

With Cheney cooped up in the Undisclosed Location, dining alone on human flesh now that Karl Rove is gone, Cheney is contemplating the seating arrangements in Hell.  I suspect that Cheney is wondering if he will be seated next to Vlad the Impaler or Ed Gein.

Barack Obama has become the Blessed One for the Democratic party after a somewhat civilized battle with Hillary Clinton.  So far the Dems have not imploded into fractious battle groups clawing at each other.  Obama is not the ideal choice, but since Hillary would not take the VP seat, which would have been an almost perfect political storm, Obama and Biden is still a solid ticket with a few caveats.

Joe Biden is a walking verbal IED.  The sooner the Democratic party straps a ball gag on him, the more likely the Obama-Biden ticket will win.  Biden is a very intelligent and very experienced legislator with the foreign policy chops that Obama needs to win, but Biden should only be transported to public events in the Hannibal Lecter mask and restraints wardrobe.  When it comes to back-room dealing, Biden is the go-to guy, but don’t let him out in public.

John McCain is running as far away from the Bush Brownshirts as fast as his feet can carry him.  I have a certain fondness for McCain, despite his party affiliation, as he occasionally talks sense. 

I will even admit that the best government that the United States could have for the next four to eight years would be John McCain as President with Barack Obama as Vice-President.  It would be a good mix of strength and compassion while repairing the eight years of Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rumsfeld running roughshod over everyone who wasn’t on their personal speed-dials.

Sarah Palin is an interesting unknown.  I’m not going to throw her under the bus yet, despite her inexperience.  Paired up with McCain now, she will be a force to be reckoned with in 2016 as long as she doesn’t take herself too seriously and learns the ropes from a veteran like John McCain.  Palin is the future of the Republican party and actually appears to be an almost normal member of Republican society. 

Notice I qualified that:  Almost Normal and Republican.  I don’t like her position on oil drilling, the environment and her bible-thumping, but that doesn’t mean Palin isn’t a bad choice.  Palin might turn out to be a choice of exceptional wisdom for the future that the Bush-dominated Republican party could never foresee.

Now to call it.  Obama and Biden and a Democratic majority, but McCain and Palin will make a very good showing. 

I’m also going to predict it might even be a civilized campaign, as the race isn’t going to be close enough for the Republicans to go nasty right away.  Besides, the Republicans know that if they do go nasty, their slate is weak. 

The Democrats also should know that a lot of voters might cut Palin a fair amount of slack, so unleashing Biden on Palin would cause a backlash that would cost the Dems the White House.  Circumstances almost force both sides to give up negative campaigning and talk about, God forbid, policy and platform.

What the final result mean is that the Republicans, even if they lose, are moving into the future, instead of living in 1976.  The Democrats had best adapt quickly, as they’re still stuck in a 1960 Kennedy Camelot dreamland.

This election is where the bench strength and the new blood for the future is groomed.  Watch for the new names in Congress and the Senate.

Today is the 141st birthday of Canada.  For those south of the 49th, July 4th, is the American equivalent of Canada Day. Which is reason enough for some consideration of What It Means To Be Canadian.

First off, being Canadian means you’re considered ‘safe’ by the rest of the world, from the standpoint of imperialism, wars, oil, food and the rest of the other nonsense.  In many countries a Canadian passport means the Customs folks wave you through with barely a cursory inspection. 

Second:  An impression by others that you’re boring.  Which is fine, as it allows us to keep under the radar, get things done and get out with nary a ripple.  Sure, we’re the New Zealand or Switzerland of North America.  We like it.

Third:  An inbred appreciation of food that includes:  Pot stickers, perogies, onion bhaji, curried goat roti, hommus, gelato, ‘cue, tea, rum and beer.  Our multicultural nature means you don’t stick to one type of cuisine, your plate is an international buffet and the salad bar is a forty-foot long agglomeration of everything.  By the way, that’s what the white folks eat.  Persons of different heritages have an appreciation for even more stuff that you can’t pronounce.

Four:  You don’t declare bankruptcy if you break your ankle.  We have cradle to grave health care.  Yes, it’s not perfect and in some ways downright crap, but it’s head and shoulders above the rest of the world.  We pay for it in higher taxes, but not as high as Scandinavian countries, for instance.

Five:  You don’t have to worry about approaching the cops, unlike other countries where the police are the biggest group of thieves and killers.  You might get hit with a Taser for no good reason, but generally, the police is on our side.  The politicians suck in Canada, like everywhere else.

Six:  The CBC is second to no one as an international broadcaster of repute. 

Seven:  Familiarity with Chez Helene, The Friendly Giant, Mr Dressup, Gordon Lightfoot, Anne Murray, Glenn Gould, Oscar Peterson, Robbie Robertson, Neil Young, Robert Charlebois, Chilliwack, Stompin’ Tom Connors, Geddy Lee, Kim Mitchell, Rene Simard, Great Big Sea, Bare-Naked Ladies, The Tragically Hip, Take 30, Knowlton Nash, Harvey Kirk, Lorne Green, about half of Hollywood, the X-Files and Trailer-Park Boys.

Eight:  We’re really sorry about Celine Dion.  All of us.

Nine:  The White House.  It wouldn’t be white if we hadn’t kicked your ass in the War of 1812 with a half a battalion of regular soldiers and a another half battalion of piss-drunk militia members who were just looking for a good fight, then a beer-up.  Since there was nothing to do after invading Washington, some of the militia members figured burning down the President’s residence would be a great way to spend a Saturday night, after getting their drink on.

Ten:  Canadian Forces 431 Demonstration Squadron.  Also known as the Snowbirds, they fly ancient subsonic training jets with a precision and skill that is unbelievable.  The Blue Angels pilots love to hitch rides with the Snowbirds because they know our folks bring it.  The best place to see the Snowbirds is on Canada Day on Parliament Hill at noon with 299,999 of your closest friends.

Eleven:  Mumbling the words to our national anthem, O Canada.

Twelve:  Honestly, we’re really, really sorry about Celine Dion.  Really.  Cross our hearts.

Thirteen:  Curling, Ice Hockey and Lacrosse.  The only international sport (Curling) where drinking is considered an essential part of the game. Bareknuckle fistfights with the occasional hockey game describes the national pasttime.  Then there is Lacrosse which makes tough sports like Aussie Rules Football and Rugby look like needlepoint conventions with big audiences.  The only folks who aren’t scared of lacrosse are the would-be suicides who play jai lai. 

Fourteen:  We do lists like this every Canada Day, if only to reassure ourselves that Canada is a nice place.

Happy Canada Day eh?

Sunday evening George Carlin cashed in his chips and left this world a less intelligent place.  Carlin, if you were born last week, was a gifted comic and a gifted observer of the world that we call home.  He was extraordinarily funny, but the edge of George Carlin over other comics was the nugget of truth that he managed to sneak into his material. 

Jerry Seinfeld, as a contrast, is also very funny, but Seinfeld’s comedy is not there to change your point of view.  Carlin’s was overtly political.  He looked at the universe with slightly distrustful eyes, a dash of common-sense and a 50,000 watt bullshit detector that he kept in his pants pocket, usually set on "Stun".

There are very few who can balance laughter and wisdom at the same time.  Carlin was one.  He will be missed.

You reach a point where you truly want to opt out of being aware of your surroundings some weeks.  This would be one of them.  Work requirements have taken all the brain cycles until now, so I caught up on the News, such as it is.

The favourite is the continuing discovery of severed human feet washing up on the British Columbia shore, occasionally encased in footwear.  Five so far, as the last one was a hoax.  Which makes me wonder when we’ll see a floating eyebrow, a half a buttock and one shoulder come to land.  If one were to ask Dick Cheney, he’d suggest that a gang of terrorists is trying to sneak into Canada, one piece at a time. 

Speaking of discoveries, the Mars Phoenix project, the little Meccano Set That Could, has confirmed that there is water ice on Mars, just below the surface of the dirt.  The Mars Bartending Rover in 2010 will look for Gin, tonic and small paper umbrellas as further proof that there was, or is, intelligent and civilized life on Mars.

Airlines generally have decided that the end is nigh.  With fuel prices through the overhead storage bins, the airlines have no choice but to add bigger fuel surcharges to your ticket.  Overheard on the job this week, a family of four travelling to the UK on frequent flyer miles get to pay nearly $2,000 in fuel surcharges, taxes, fees and other pickpocketings added to the ‘free’ frequent flyer tickets. 

Why don’t the airlines just give up the pretence and charge the travelling public the actual price it costs for the flight, plus a profit of 3% and be done with it?  Yes, that will mean the end of a $150 one-way ticket to London, but so what?  Flying is as bad as intercity bus transport used to be, including the stench of the lavatories and the wall-eyed passenger in 11C who talks to himself about the voices in his head.  

Which brings up a small story of a United Airlines pilot yesterday.  He was overheard engaged in a heated exchange in Salt Lake City with someone on his cell phone.  After the flight buttoned up, he came on the PA and announced that he was too upset to fly to Denver on flight 416 and that passengers would be accommodated on other flights.  The pilot did what he should:  If he’s not up to the high precision task of flying for whatever reason, you step away from the yoke.  Good for him.  There will be jokes galore, but so what?  He did the right thing in not endangering his passengers.

Then we have the entire Midwest US under water, at least according to the news outlets.  Which means there will be grain shortages, not enough gas, or ethanol, or soybeans, therefore all prices must go up.  Even if everything was just peachy in the Midwest, the news outlets would declare some kind of emergency (Q-Tip shortage in Quincy, Ill.  Oil Prices Surge on News!) that will result in footage on the 6:00 of people lining up at gas stations and Wal-Mart stocking up on gas and Q-Tips.

Now that Hilary has jumped out of the plane (She was in seat 11D) we are left with the pundit class examining Barack Obama and John McCain through the wrong end of the telescope.  Both candidates are going to agree to a live, broadcast, sigmoidoscopic examination to see exactly who is up their respective asses. 

If Obama had a lick of sense he’d wear a Confederate Flag on his lapel while Johnny Mac would be seen diddy-boppin’ oldskool to "Baby Got Back" with white ear buds leading to an iPod in his suit pocket. 

Let’s leave the pundits jangled and twitching on the studio floors of CNN, Fox"News" and the three majors as they try to make sense of those particular images from the campaign trail.   Perhaps a deuce from the grid will fall on Paul Begala or Ann Coulter, or maybe both at once, if we’re really lucky.

Meanwhile, the tomato crops in the US are filled with shit.  Really.  The e.coli bacteria comes from fecal matter in the water used to rinse off the produce before shipping.  Which explains why I have a very large tomato plant on the balcony, promising me nice, clean, organically grown vine ripened tomatoes in another 50 or so days.  I was considering growing some onions, peppers and cilantro too.  The objective was to grow my own salsa, but I ran out of time and motivation if the truth be known.

My next career is gong to be the guy who does the chalk outlines of the bodies at crime scenes.  You meet quiet people and get to put ‘artist’ on your business card.