Category Archives: News and politics

Remembrance Day, or Veteran’s Day in the US is the day set aside to honour the people who have sacrificed their lives for us.

The statement Lest We Forget has an implied question in it:  Forget what?  What is it that we’re supposed to remember?  Aside from the rote rereading of "In Flanders Fields" and cutting out red construction paper poppies, that question is never really answered in schools as best I can tell, as it is highly fraught with controversy and is emphatically not politically correct.  So, here goes:

In 1914 a world war erupted in Europe between Germany and the Entente, or Allied Powers of Britain, France and Russia.  The reasons were geopolitical and economic if you cut out the bullshit, the overlapping treaties and the treachery, but suffice to say, it was a big war.  Men of both sides, the Central Powers or the Entente, marched off to do their ‘duty’ for their respective countries, under the thrall of the politicians and rulers.

Except the war, which was supposed to be over by Christmas, was the first highly mechanized war with several inventions employed by both sides to efficiently kill each other.  The slaughter was on a scale never before seen and devolved into the stalemate of trench warfare which is nothing more than butchery.  The noble aims of "Beating the Hun" and "For King and Country" went out the window, except when used to bring in more soldiers.

Eventually it came to an end, as the various factions realized that murdering that many soldiers was not going to fix the economy, or settle old political scores.  The resulting treaties, notably Versailles, punished those who lost and rewarded the victors.  Several dynasties, the Hohenzollerns, Hapsburg, Romanov and Ottoman Empires went away and the seeds of dissent were formed in imperial colonies of every side, including Palestine, India, the Trans-Jordan, Iraq and the Pacific. 

Short form, the Great War lead directly, via the Treaty of Versailles and a global Depression, to World War II.  We decided to do it all again and this time managed to remove almost an entire generation from this planet.  The best estimates of war dead on all sides is 50 to 70 million people. 

Since then, we’ve decided that smaller wars, police actions, military assistance, insurrections and revolutions are more our style.  The list is long and bloody.

Our Lest We Forget, comes directly from WWI and John McRae’s poem, In Flanders Fields and speaks to the nobility that was assumed to rest with the Allied powers battling the "Hun" where loyal men from the home country and the colonies were fighting for our freedom.  Historically, the "Hun" also thought they were fighting for their freedom as well, but since we won, we get to write the history and ours was the noble cause.

In modern times, Lest We Forget has, thankfully, changed itself.  Today it is a way to honour the sacrifices that soldiers have made for us and continue to make.

That’s what we’re remembering.  That’s what we’re not going to forget. 

We promise.

Gov. Sarah Palin, the Republican Party’s Vice-Presidential candidate is now the recipient of the garland of garlic from the Republican Party.  Caribou Barbie, or to use her Secret Service code name, Denali is back in Alaska and catching all kinds of flak from every quarter of the the Republican party.

Up front, I thought Palin was a weird choice, but might have been a foreshadowing of the New Republican Party for Change ™ coming forward to take over from the old Regan-era dinosaurs.  I was proven wrong, but that’s the price one pays for having an analog crystal ball, instead of the newfangled digital ones.  However, I wasn’t willing to throw her under the bus in September.  I can live with that.

For a week or so after Palin’s appointment to the ticket, the Republican Reptiles stood her up as a solid, working-class, experienced and able candidate that would make a fine Vice-President right up next to the war-hero John McCain.  They even whispered that if John McCain proved the actuarial tables right, that Sarah Palin had the qualities necessary to make an excellent Commander In Chief.

A couple of weeks later, after she opened her mouth to change boots, notably with Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric, the Republicans kept her in front of crowds:  Palin the Maverick, the new spokesperson of the base, conservative, and family-oriented supporters of the party.  As the campaign wore on, it became patently clear that with her winks, twitches and homespun language that she was designed to appeal to the basest of the base. 

About all Palin didn’t do was to stand in front of an arena of supporters and scream, "You cain’t vote for Obama, ’cause he’s a Neeeegrohhhh."  That was her job and she took it on with a zeal that only the simple, or, the Republican strategists could appreciate.  If nothing else, Palin proves that the Republican party knows what their base supporters want to hear. 

Now that the GOP is shut out of the levers of power, there has to be a goat and it can’t be John McCain.  Never mind that the Republican Party strategists chose Palin.   Never mind that the Republican Party strategists vetted her politics.  Never mind that the Republican Party strategists examined the Palin family for excessive weirdness.  Never mind that the Republican Party bought her wardrobe. 

Never mind that the Republican Party ran Palin through the policy and presentation drills until they were satisfied with her performance.  Never mind that the Republican Party stage managed her events with all the abilities of a well-oiled machine.  Hell, even ignore the fact that the Republican Party kept putting her out front to speak to live humans. 

The same Republican Party, who boosted Caribou Barbie up as candidate for the second-most-important job in the US and with a straight face said she was ready, now is going to blame her fully for the loss.  Which explains the revelations of Sarah Palin meeting with advisors in a bath towel, or cleaning Neiman-Marcus out of clothing on the Party dime. 

(I’m expecting revelations how the party paid for her husband to have a mani-pedi and his back waxed as part of a full manscaping at a frou-frou spa in New York City.  I suspect they sprang for her daughter to get a tattoo on an intimate area that reads "Levi’s Ho" in six inch gothic letters.  I’m surprised they haven’t released the itemized wardrobe list, as I bet there’s some lingerie in there.  It would be fascinating to know if the "Denali Dominatrix" outfit was sized to fit the Vice-Presidential candidate’s form.  I salaciously digress.)

The Republican Party strategists are going to be leaking "Palin" stories for the next few weeks to pin the blame on anyone except themselves:  The ones that chose her, trained her, groomed her and put the words in her mouth.

This is not to say that Sarah Palin isn’t to blame for some of this.  She rose above her level of competence when she became the Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  That Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska further proves the theory that only the truly incompetent can rise above the "elitist" principles of merit, skill, intelligence or demonstrated ability.

The disturbing part is how Sarah Palin embraced her candidacy.  She seemed to enjoy being the mouthpiece for the race-baiting, mouth-breathing and knuckle dragging segment of the Republican Party. 

That those kinds of people still exist is repugnant.  That the Republican Party was fully willing to wind them up to support their slate of candidates is more evidence that there is far to go.

Dear American Cousins:  If you noticed yesterday morning that things felt different, trust me, that’s a good thing.  You finally got rid of a couple of hundred years of guilt off your shoulders by selecting Barack Obama as President.  That’s what is probably making you feel a little light-headed right now.  You’ll be fine.

However there are things that are on the event horizon for your country to accomplish in the next while.  With your kind permission, may I suggest a few things that are worthy of your attention?  Thank you.

1:  Take ownership of your Constitution.  Rumour has it, The U.S. Constitution is the basis and the yardstick against which you measure your law.  As best I can tell, by reading it, there’s a few things in there about inalienable rights, government staying the hell out your lives and the separation of Church and State.  Perhaps it is time for a re-read. 

Believe it or not, the U.S. Constitution is kept in Washington, D.C. and can be viewed by regular folks, just like you:  You don’t have to get permission from Homeland Security to see it.  Some schools even teach it to the kids, despite No Child Left Behind.  It isn’t hidden away in the back and, although imperfect, is a good place to start. I’ve even seen it and I’m Canadian.  

A bunch of old white guys wrote the entire mechanism for the whole United States in 1787.  It took them four pages to lay out the entire US on paper, so it isn’t like it is a particularly long or complicated read.  Perhaps all of the existing and most of the new laws that get passed should be kept down to three or four pages.  That keeps laws simple and easy for regular folks to understand.

You can, at least according to your Constitution, change things up a bit, but there are rules about how to do it and the rules were set to be strict, to prevent loons and crazies from taking over. 

The Constitution doesn’t mention things like e-mail, or selling off government services to Haliburton because Bush, Cheney and Rove said so, but the broad strokes are there.  Odds are you could get the Supreme Court to rule, instead of changing the Constitution, but be aware you can change it.

2:  Reach out.  I mean this in a difficult way.  There is a percentage of your population who are very bitter and twisted about the results of the election.  You’re going to have to reach out and remind them that they are Americans, which means they have to be tolerant of other points of view.  They can protest, bitch and whine, but they also have to be respectful. 

You can show them how to do it by listening to their point of view, agreeing where you can, and agreeing to disagree where you can’t. It’s called Teaching by Example. 

Unfortunately most of the bitter and twisted learned by a negative example, so you have an uphill climb here to undo eight years of Bush, Cheney and Rove wiping their feet on your Constitution.  Sorry.  I never said this was going to be easy.

3:  Hold yourself to a higher standard.  This is aimed at the folks coming to Washington.  That means no lobbyist money, or PAC money, or influence peddling.  Have a witness or two with you, or offer to record the meeting.  Influence peddlers don’t like to have anything they say written down or recorded.  It covers your ass and puts the lobbyists on the defensive.

If a lobbyist tries to put the arm on you, tell a reporter or two exactly what happened and make sure the lobbyist gets his or her ass caught in the blades eight ways to sunrise.  Lobbyists are not your friends no matter how nice they seem. 

Oh and for the newcomers to Washington?  Don’t try to hump the staff, Congressional pages, or troll in public washrooms.  Learn from the Republicans on this one and keep it stowed.

4:  Hope, which is what the election was about, is a very fragile thing.  Most folks I’ve talked to are rational enough to know that there will be tough decisions ahead.  As long as it is fair and for a greater good that they understand, then they’ll buy into it.  Grudgingly, but they’ll go along.

One that comes to mind is your $10 Trillion dollar deficit which was brought to you by Bush, Cheney and Rove.  Someone has to pay for it and since the American people voted for them in 2004, it’s going to be the American people who pay for it in 2009.  And 2010.  And 2011. 

Remind your fellow citizens that since they let Bush, Cheney and Rove do whatever the hell they wanted, someone has to clean up.  It isn’t your shit to apologize for, but it is your shit to clean up.  Place the blame where it resides:  Bush, Cheney, Rove.  Frankly, if you could drag that troika into court somewhere a lot of Americans would be happy.

5:  Remember that the whole election was about change.  Change doesn’t happen as fast as you want it to.  Be patient.  Washington is a complete and utter mess and that will take some time to fix. 

It will take some wisdom to decide if it’s a coat of paint or a sledge hammer that is needed.  The SEC comes to mind here, along with the FDA.  Those two agencies are supposed to be looking out for the common good of all citizens, enforcing the rules fairly.  If those two agencies were businesses, they’d have a very bad fire before someone looked too closely at the books.

6:  This one’s for Barack Obama specifically:  Keep reading newspapers, watching TV and listening to the radio.  If your advisors keep telling you it’s sunny outside, look for yourself.  If it’s raining, then something is wrong.  Never be afraid to get out of the car and ask the folks.  President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy happily lived in a Cheney-Rove contrived plastic bubble of euphoria and see where that got the country? 

Try to keep Condi Rice and Colin Powell around.  They’re good folks with good experience and good judgement.  David Paulson from FEMA seems to be smart too.   

The rest of them?  Well, I won’t suggest you should have a large mediaeval catapult set up in the Rose Garden to fling people over the White House to land on the concrete out past the front lawn:  That would be needlessly violent and messy, but would bring a new meaning to the phrase ‘rapid outplacement’.

However, firing the miscreants and taking away their golden parachutes comes to mind.  You could always have the US Marshall Service show up with a "No-Knock" warrant at 3 am then drag them to jail in leg irons and an orange jumpsuit.  I’d watch that on Pay Per View at $40 a show, as it would be better than WWE, even at 3 am.  Use the proceeds to pay down the deficit.

Essentially, Barack, you’re going to have to be part Mahatma Gandhi and part Vlad The Impaler for the first few months.  Do so wisely please.

That’s all she wrote my American cousins.  It will take time and there will be mistakes, but I think you picked the right one this time. 

To paraphrase the man:  Yes You Can.

Cheers!

David

The Province of Ontario is considering an outright ban on the use of handheld cell phones while driving, which requires some investigation, as it is contentious.

We will use cell phones as a catch-all for a Blackberry, iPods, DVD players, GPS navigation systems, beepers, text messaging and the rest of the communications technology that winds up in your car.

There are two schools of thought.  The first is people have been observed driving while putting on makeup, eating a burrito, drinking coffee, bopping to the radio and a hundred of other distractions, with little or no deleterious effect on their driving ability. 

The second school of thought is that a distracted driver is a dangerous driver, end of the sentence, full stop.

When it comes to the operation of a motor vehicle, here are a couple of constants:  30 miles per hour = 44 feet per second.  Reaction time for most humans paying attention, is a half-second, another second to begin deceleration and another second to actually come to a stop.  Add it up and a stop from 30 mph is 110 feet from the moment of ‘oh, there is a giraffe in the street’ to stopped.  That’s for someone paying attention.

Where the distance stretches out is a driver not paying attention.  The half-second reaction time becomes longer, sometime as long as two or three seconds to recognize a situation that requires driver action, then add on the two seconds to come to a stop from 30 mph.  We’re at 176 feet, just under 60 yards, more than half a football field.

To figure this out at highway speeds, essentially double the distances, as 60 mph is 88 feet per second.

For the nitpickers, yes, with an ABS equipped car, on dry pavement, with a skilled, focused driver knowing they are being tested, you can get better numbers.  I’ve done it in a stock car, competition karts and a Formula Ford.  I’ve done full-panic stops in a ‘78 Pontiac, an ‘87 5.0 Mustang and an ‘06 Sentra, all non-ABS equipped vehicles.  Done right in a good hard stop, your eyes feel like they’re coming out of your head and you are suspended in the seat belts, your body off the seat back.

Considering that most drivers don’t have the belts cinched down tight, have a cell phone glued to their head and are not paying full attention, the final distance for a panic stop from 30 mph could be anywhere from 176 feet to a couple of international time zones until they clue in.  Too many rear-end accidents start with “I didn’t see you stop as I was on my (insert gizmo name here)…”  There are too many anecdotal incidents, that most of us have experienced, of being cut off, or nearly driven over top of by other drivers on their cell phones.

Which explains why the province is going to ban the devices in hand-held mode, ticketing drivers for using them while driving.  Fair enough.  It’s the backlash that I’m concerned about.  Listening to call-in shows, where half the callers seem to be calling while driving, the universal excuse is that “I’m a better driver and I need the phone for my business.”

I call ‘bull-shee-it’ on the first one, as the median driver in Ontario is a clueless hump.  Quebec is different:  They are out to kill you.  A red light is considered a suggestion in that province, not an absolute. 

Ask any professional driver of trucks, school busses or motor coaches.  They’ll tell you they spend more brain cycles worrying where that wandering van with Mom and the soccer kids is going to wind up, trying to stay the hell away from them. 

As for the ‘need it for my business’ argument, I don’t buy it.  I have had a cell phone for years and my voice mail has said “I might be teaching, or driving right now but I will get back to you shortly.”  Sorry, I’m not going to answer your call while driving.  Get over it and if you don’t appreciate that I choose not to die while driving, then I don’t care what you’re offering me.

What we’re missing in all this discussion is the science.  Motor vehicle drivers have not been studied that well, but there is a profession where human interaction with transportation technology has been documented.  Commercial airline pilots.   

The way that pilots interact with repetitive tasking in a high stress environment is very well and very extensively studied.  Flying a commercial aircraft is a few seconds of excitement (landing or take off regimes) interspersed with hours of mind numbing tedium, as the flight management computer (FMC) flies the plane.

In studying pilots (and accidents) it has been proven over and over again that a ‘sterile’ cockpit is the safest cockpit during landing and take off.  No discussion of the kids, the Phillies, or anything not directly associated with the task at hand, making the airplane fly, or land.  The pilot must be fully focused on the command of the aircraft, end of sentence. 

However, pilots, like other humans, do stray from a sterile cockpit, but the pros only do it when at cruise altitude, or when the ‘work’ is over for a few minutes and the FMC is flying the plane.  Yes, there are significant distractions in a commercial cockpit, but all of the distractions are focused on navigation, crew alerting or operations, not tunes, MySpace email, or text messages from the kids.

In emergency situations, which commercial pilots train for all the time, the science of Cockpit Resource Management (CRM) has also studied how flight crew interact.  One airline, Northwest, used to have a simple emergency procedure on the cover of their manuals:  The pilot-in-command will fly the plane.  The pilot-not-flying will work through the steps to diagnose and rectify the emergency. 

Note that first step again:  Fly the Plane.  Wings level, sufficient airspeed, no climb or descent, look out the windows.  Fly the Plane.

Which is what should be imprinted on the steering wheel of every motor vehicle:  Drive the Car First.  

As expected, insurers, automakers and US subsidiaries of international banks are lined up with their hands out for piece of the action from President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy and Henry the FrankenFinancier’s trillion dollar bailout of Wall Street.

In an Associated Press article the greed heads are lining up outside Henry the FrankenFinancier’s office, Paulson is taking meetings with groups including hedge fund managers that are petitioning for assistance. 

To quote the CEO of something called the Financial Services Roundtable, in writing to the Treasury official running the bailout program, “…The institutions that are excluded play a vital role in the U.S. economy by providing liquidity to the market.” 

As best as can be determined, the Financial Services Roundtable is a high-priced lobby group that has been beeping and mooing for bankers.  Their motto is “Impacting Policy. Impacting People”, which can be translated from PRSpeak into “Hit them over the head until they do what we want, then jam it up the consumer’s ass.”  Is that cynical of me?

Considering the CEO Of the Financial Services Roundtable is Steve Bartlett and Bartlett is the former mayor of Dallas, the Roundtable has some good hooks into the White House.  We won’t mention his Congressional experience (‘83-‘91) or his fingers in the House Banking Committee, FHA deregulation, or his post-congressional work on Gramm-Leach-Biley, Sarbanes-Oxley, the 2001 Tax Cuts or the normalization of trade with China.   

Also as best as can be determined, the Treasury official getting the pressure and running the actual bailout is named Neel Kashkari (“Cash and Carry”).  I’m not making the guy’s name up.  He exists and is the guy running the bailout for the Treasury Department.

Meanwhile the Masters of the Universe are under time pressures.  As of January 20th 2009, President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy goes back to Crawford, TX and someone else, whose last name ends with a vowel, will be in the big chair.  There is unstated concern that Obama might add some oversight to the Bailout The Base Plan, investigating the financial shell game a little too closely.  This would be bad, at least for Wall Street as they might have to give up their Masters Of The Universe secret decoder rings.

Putting it back in perspective, President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy, via the Treasury Department, is rapidly stuffing more money into Bailout The Base than into the entire years’ funding for the war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Are you going to change your magnetic ribbon on the SUV from “Support Our Troops” to “Support Our Hedge Fund Managers!”? 

Funny how nobody is talking about the war these days.  Must be over, right?

For some odd reason, now that wholesale crude oil prices are less than half the price they were in July, the price of retail gasoline has stayed more or less the same and I’m not happy about that.

According to Reuters, Friday’s spot price was $63 a barrel.  In July, crude was $147 a barrel.  (Divide 147 by 63, carry the nine, subtract…to hell with it, where’s the calculator?) Today’s price for Regular Unleaded in the Greater Toronto Area is around 98 cents a litre, or $3.92 a US gallon, more or less.  (I’m not being five-decimal-place-precise here, relax.  Four litres = 1.057 of a US Gallon, so a simple x4 on the calculator gives you the US price, close enough for our purposes.)

It’s one of those funny coincidences that retail gas prices can spike on a rumour that a refinery worker in Houston has a boo-boo on his elbow, but if the prices drop significantly, it seems to take forever for that ‘expensive’ gas to work its way ‘out of the system’.  This, of course, is a load of manure and worthy of some investigation.

A family member used to run a retail gas station, so I have a more than the average inside knowledge of how fuel pricing works in the real world.

A gas pump typically has a 1500 (6800 litre) gallon tank underground.  Some are bigger, some are smaller.  Two or three times a week a tanker truck brings the retailer the fuel to keep the tanks well filled.  At the time of delivery, the retailer pays for the gas, at the wholesale price from an independent distributor, who buys it from the fuel terminal at a distributor’s price.   In round numbers, the distributor makes 3 to 5 cents per litre as he or she sells it for the wholesale price to the gas station. 

That price is roughly 2 to 3 cents per litre less than what is on the sign outside the gas station; the price you and I pay.

Here’s a bit of math.  That 6800 litre load of gas is worth $204 of potential profit to the dealer, as long as the retail price doesn’t go down and the retailer sells every drop. 

Put simply, the retailer gets Foxtrot Alpha if prices stay the same.  The retailer now owns that gas in the ground.  If retail prices go up, say 2 cents a litre from when they filled the underground tank, the retailer can make a little bit more, say $340 on the load. 

A bit more math.  Most cars have 50 litre gas tanks, some are smaller and SUV’s of course, are bigger, but 50 litres is a good back of the envelope average.  That means the retailer has to have 136 customers buy a full tank of gas, to sell that load in the ground and realize the $204 profit in a $6460 (wholesale) purchase.

Guess what happens when prices drop?  The oil companies will occasionally offer what is called support.  They will credit the retailer with a couple of cents extra per litre, to match local prices, but that retailer still owns 6800 litres of gasoline in the ground at the old price.  Every litre he or she pumps at the new, lower price, means they lose money, without support from the oil company.

Of course, getting support is handled on a case-by-case basis.  Complain too much and the likelihood of getting support is slim to none.  The retailer is stuck with 6800 litres of gas at the higher price and can’t sell it without losing money on every litre.  Plus, the retailer can’t get another load of wholesale-cheaper gasoline, until they sell what they have in the ground.

There are other things that happen.  On more than one occasion when a price war was escalating, with local brands selling for several cents less than the national brands, a retailer would call for support and be told:  “You don’t get any, as it’s Petro-Canada’s (or Shell, or Esso) turn to match them.  Don’t expect to sell much gas this week.” Oh gee. Thanks. 

Yes, that is technically a conspiracy to fix prices.  Except the out is that the retailer has the option to sell the gas at a higher price and that isn’t controlled by the oil company.  Sure.  Cut into a brands’ market share by not selling as much as the others and see how much support you get.  Conversely as a retailer you can try to find 136 people with empty gas tanks and a closed head injury who are dumb enough to buy gas at a significantly more expensive price. 

The argument of the oil companies is that the distributor and retailers are independent businesses, so the oil companies have no influence on oil prices, after all it’s the free market at work, right?  The distribution terminal is owned by the oil company and that’s the last time the oil company touches the price. 

The oil company, naturally, wants to get the most for their product when the distributor takes a tanker load, so the oil company controls the difference between the distributor’s price and the retail price.  The oil company looks at the several hundred thousands of litres of gasoline they have in storage in those big white tanks and knows to the fourth decimal place how much it represents as potential profit every hour.  Yes.  Every hour.

When crude prices go down, as they have in the past few weeks, the oil company can potentially be stuck with several hundred thousands of litres of ‘expensive’ gasoline in inventory.  But oil companies are also very skilled at hedging crude prices and keeping the distribution flowing at a fast rate.  This reduces the oil company’s risk of being caught with inventory at less than excellent profit per litre.

What happens is, as cheaper crude comes into production, the per-litre profit for the oil company goes up, as the input cost of the crude is less than before.  However, the price to the distributor does not get adjusted on an hourly basis.  Weekly is more like it.  That overlap is where an oil company makes killer profits, after all, “it will take time for the expensive gas to work its way through the system.”  Forty-five days is the usual number quoted from a ship tanker of crude to a load of Regular Unleaded in your tank. 

As to the veracity of that number, I can’t call ‘bullshit’ and neither can those who make the laws or collect the taxes.  When the harsh light of investigation by the lawmakers is turned on oil companies, the oil companies bring out economists who speak a language only other economists understand.  The pols get baffled and shrug their shoulders.

The government up here by the way, has a vested interest in keeping prices up.  We have (and many states do too) what is called an Ad Valorem tax on fuel.  The tax is a fixed percentage on the wholesale price.  Higher wholesale prices on fuel means the government makes more money.  Lower wholesale prices, means the government makes less.  Be assured the oil companies know their tax law cold and can tell to the fine cent exactly how much they owe in taxes every hour.

Just as a final poke in the eye, here’s a little science.  A gallon (or litre) is measured at a specific temperature, usually around 15.5 deg. Celsius or 60 deg. F.  If the temperature of the gasoline is higher than 15.5 C, it isn’t a ‘true’ litre or gallon:  It’s short a teaspoon or two.  In metric that would be just about 10 millilitres:  Gasoline expands as temperature rises.

Conversely, as temperature drops, you get a bigger litre or gallon, usually a teaspoon or two more than a ‘true’ litre or gallon.  Gas pumps, almost universally, across Canada have a temperature compensating meter.  Why?  Because it is usually colder up here for six months of the year and gas stations would be pumping a ‘fat’ litre.  This adds up to lost revenue for the oil companies, as 10 ml over 6800 litres is 6.8 full litres, or roughly $6.80 a load.  Multiply that out by how many gas stations and you’ve got some money there in the course of a month.

Oddly enough, in the southern US, the oil companies said they couldn’t refit all their pumps with temperature compensating meters, as it was too expensive. 

Or, if you like your conspiracies with a black helicopter, the US oil companies have been pumping ‘short’ gallons for years, as the southern US is warmer than 59 degrees most of the time.  The oil company gets a few extra bucks per load, again probably around $7.  For some reason they can temperature compensate pumps in a huge country of 33 million, but can’t do it in a single state with 23.5 million people.

Summing up, the game is rigged five ways to sundown.  Which means, even if the price of crude has dropped by more than half, we won’t see properly lowered prices until sometime in December.

Gotta love that free market.

We’ve counted the paper ballots up here and the polloi have decided that we want another minority government under Stephen “Steve” Harper.  Don’t worry, dear American readers, I’ll translate later.

No party has a mandate to govern, without the assistance of one or two of the others in a pseudo-coalition, usually bill by bill.  The Conservatives under Harper have a slight increase in seats, while the Liberals got clobbered.  The NDP picked up a few, as did the Bloc Quebecois.  The Green Party was shut out and there are three Independents.

(American translation:  ‘Republicans’ up a bit, ‘Democrats’ eaten for breakfast while the ‘Social Democratic’ and "Quebec Monomania’ party had some increases.  Three independents got in but no Greens. The Canadian Prime Minister is also a sitting member of the House and has to win in a riding in order to lead.  There are 308 seats in the House of Commons and you don’t get a mandate unless you get a majority of the seats. 155 was the magic number:  The Conservatives got 143, close enough to sniff it, but not close enough to kiss it.)

Which means Canada gets more of the same governance we had before, in a House that resounds with playground taunts masquerading as debate, while the committee work grinds to a halt under a heavy mist of bully-boy micromanaging by Harper.  Harper doesn’t care as he rules by fiat, e-mail and memo from the Privy Council Office and the Prime Minister’s Office.

Naturally, the Day After has our pundit class sniffing the entrails looking for something to talk about.  Stephane Dion, the head of the Liberal party showed that making it up as you go, is not the way to win.  At one time, under Trudeau, Chretien and less so, Martin, the Liberals were almost declared the Natural Governing Party with the best political machine going.

When the Liberals put Dion forward as the party candidate, it would seem that the wheels fell off the Big Red Tricycle.  Yesterday, the Liberals proved they couldn’t organize a fart contest at a bean supper.  They didn’t get out the vote and they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) make Dion into a leader that Canadians could tolerate for a few years. 

Stephane Dion is photocopying his resume as he did not deliver the raw power of a majority that the Liberals machine needs to keep functioning.  Dion knows that the Night of the Long Knives is coming.  Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff are holding the door open for Dion to make a hasty, ungraceful exit.

Jack Layton of the New Democrats did well in the last week of the campaign, buying as much airtime as the party could stand.  The NDP was up a bit, seven seats, but Jack is charisma-challenged enough to keep the party in third place.  He’s a nice guy, but he’s no Ed Broadbent.  Or David Lewis.  Or Tommy Douglas.  And never will be.

The Quebec Monomania Party (sorry the Bloc Quebecois) is the political equivalent of a man having three nipples:  No real use, plus one extra as a conversation piece.  Nobody, outside of Quebec cares what Gilles Duceppe has to say, except he has fifty seats that vote as a bloc(k) and can prop up the Conservatives, who hate the Bloc worse than Sin itself.

Which leaves us where?  The Conservatives and the NDP agreeing to play nice with each other for four years, with the Liberals and the Bloc doing incontinent miniature poodle impersonations, pissing all over everything? 

That kind of Parliament might work in Political Science class, but Harper refuses to share his toys and insists on governing like the PMO is his own personal Star Chamber, complete with a pentagram of ewe’s blood on the floor.  White smoke issues from a chimney on the Langevin Block and laws are passed Because He Says So.  Woe betide any bureaucrat or Minister who disputes What Is Said by He Who Rules.

Here’s how it will play out.  Harper will continue issuing Orders In Council running roughshod over democracy.  However, this is the third election that Harper, as the sole voice and sole focus of the Conservative party, has not won a majority.  The backroom brokers might not be happy with Stevie as he had not delivered the insane power that a majority gives the advisors.  And he hasn’t done it three times in a row. 

The Liberals will implode and come back out from the black hole with Bob Rae in charge after a vicious fight with Michael Ignatieff for the leadership.  Miraculously, the wheels on the Big Red Tricycle will come back on under Bob Rae.

Over at the NDP, the bench strength is slim.  Jack might run one more time in a Federal election, but unless he has some credible Cabinet alternatives, the party is still tilting at windmills.  Unfortunately, the NDP can’t grow credible alternatives, as the House will resort to its’ usual level of decorum.  This is accurately summed up as four annoying children screaming “I know you do but what am I?” at each other while replying with “You suck!”

Gilles Duceppe will pull the pin on his leadership of the Quebec Monomania Party in another year and return to teaching Eye Bugging and Grammar at UQAM.  The Bloc will disintegrate into Montreal and non-Montreal factions that argue over commas and accents in a platform that even the NDP can’t fathom, but make perfect sense in Quebec politics.  It’s like sex with someone in Public Relations:  They sit on the edge of the bed all night long telling you how good it’s going to be, but don’t actually drop the underthings.  Then they go home.

Then there is Elizabeth May of the Green Party.  No seats in Parliament, but at least their percentage of the popular vote is up.  Can she tolerate another four years on the outside looking in, nose pressed up against the door?

Now, if (and there are a lot of ifs here) Rae takes over the Liberal party in the next year, he’ll have three years to build a credible alternative to Harper.  Rae could defeat Harper and the Conservatives in 2012 with a Liberal majority, assuming Rae builds a slate of alternatives to the sideshow exhibits and perambulating brain stems that are the the current Conservative ministers and caucus. 

This is assuming Harper sticks around.  He might just quit and toss the entire Conservative party under the bus.  Harper is a technician who has no soul in the game of leadership and has no soul to lead Canada.

In Canada we have a federal election to vote in tomorrow.  Our choices are:

A micromanaging bully who does not care if you live or die, unless you are the CEO of a big business. 

A life-size Pez dispenser who is making it up as he goes along.  And it shows.

A charisma-challenged social democrat posturing as a leader.  He fronts a party that should be prevented by federal legislation from forming a government.  Opposition, they’re great, but never, ever, in power. 

A well-intentioned Green who knows she’s the equivalent of the crew member in Star Trek who wears the red uniform:  The one that is always offed before the first credits.

A monomaniac who can’t change the subject and won’t talk about anything else to a small percentage of the total population.

There are our choices and they suck mightily.  None of the parties involved should be given a majority, especially the Conservatives.  This leaves us with coalition politics where two or three of these soulless beasts gang up to lead us, sort of, in some kind of direction still to be determined.

Now, what to do as a voter?  First off, do not stay home:  Vote.  Even if you have to hold you nose, vote.  Look at the mainstream candidates and vote for the one that stinks the least.  If your mainstream candidates are barely even suitable as organ donors, vote Dope Reform, or local Lunatic Fringe candidate.  No matter what, vote.  If you do not vote, then you cannot complain for the next four years.

Second:  Ignore the party as much as possible and vote for the one that is the most engaged locally.  Not nationally, locally.  Even if they wind up being so high up in the back bench that they get nosebleeds, vote for the one who is locally engaged. 

If you’ve got a cabinet minister, or big national presence in your riding, vote against the national; local is what matters, as local is where you live.  Your riding.  Your neighbourhood.  Your community.

Our last word of wisdom?  Don’t Drink and Vote.

You learn from a certain age the hoary old bromide “What Goes Around Comes Around” is not always true.  Bad Things happen to Good People while the Bad People skate away, untouched.  However, once in a while, the Scales of Galactic Justice tip toward the Good People and there is much cheering in the village.

Specifically, Orenthal James Simpson has been found guilty of charges of robbing two sports-memorabilia dealers at gunpoint, in Las Vegas.  Twelve charges were offered up by the prosecution and OJ was found guilty of all twelve, which included kidnapping and robbery as well as ten other lesser charges, like being a dick, being a dick with a gun, using aerosol cheese with felonious intent and illegal use of a comb-over.

The most comforting part of the guilty verdict is the highly likely possibility than OJ Simpson will go to jail for a very long time.  It’s taken almost exactly thirteen years to the day since he was acquitted of killing Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman for the big wheel to come around.

Needless to say OJ has insisted he had nothing to do with the robbery in Las Vegas, or the gun, or the kidnapping.  People like that never, ever, admit to anything.  Perhaps his jail buddies will believe him. 

The rest of us, watching the Scales of Galactic Justice whack OJ one upside the head, can enjoy his demise.  It’s wrong to take pleasure in the misfortune of others, but in this particular case, I think the Scales won’t mind.

The bipartisan Bailout The Base Bill brought to you by President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy and a collection of Democratic and Republican Senators has been regrooved again. 

What was a three page manifesto of Henry the FrankenFinancier (“All Your Base Are Belong To Us!”) became 106 pages of stoner-prose (“Freebird Man!  Play fuckin’ Freebird Maaaannn!”) that was shot down by Congress.

We’re now up to 451 pages on the version the Senate is going to vote on.  There’s everything in it, like a Happy Meal for the OCD customer:  You get a banana, a pretzel and a garden gnome with a bit of mustard on the side.  Plus 451 Wet-Naps so you can clean up again and again and again and again.

The only thing that hasn’t been tossed into the new bill is a return to the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act of 1930 and a bailout for beekeepers in Hawaii.  Since the bill has something for everyone, except beekeepers in Hawaii, it should pass. 

The “sweeteners” have added another $150 Billion to the Bailout The Base Bill, which is now looking like a Christmas tree decorated by squirrels with ADHD and a JC Whitney catalogue.  The pork includes mental health insurance, increasing the Federal Deposit Insurance Commission minimums, tax benefits for everyone and government-funded satellite-based GIS mapping of Ben Bernanke’s head.  

(Note to Ben Bernanke:  Yes, it is dark, brown, warm and smells like Mexican food.  Those shoes above your head contain Henry Paulson’s feet.  The ass you are up is George W. Bush’s.)

Senators Obama and McCain are both in favour of the bill, while their running mates have disappeared.  Biden is being kept under heavy sedation in a car trunk in the parking lot of the Arby’s in Falls Church VA.  Palin is being distracted by the Arctic Cat 2008 catalogue at her training camp in Rockville, MD. 

Palin has been working on the speedbag and the heavy bag with Angelo Dundee as her trainer for the Veep debate.  Biden is being fed intravenous Atavan, to keep him from tearing Palin a spare in the first five minutes of the debate tomorrow night.  Palin knows the only way she can win, is to give Biden a good left-right combination to the ribs and ball-shot after the bell rings.  Biden better wear a cup.  

Meanwhile the media has a procession of double-chinned pundits, bow-tied economists and mouth-breathing axe-grinders doing double and four-headers with the anchormeat.  So far, the opinions have ranged from “Ick!” to quoting Henry Kissinger for some unknown reason.  Based on the amount of inane babble coming out of the media, the guests are paid by the word.  Dramatically overpaid, but still by the word. 

Back at the Ranch, Wall Street finished under relative calm and finished down twenty points, which is a rounding error, more or less.

We await the vote.