Category Archives: Ersatz History

The Journalism Change


The mark where journalism changed was somewhere around 1969, after the US Presidential Election.  A third-rate burglary at the Watergate Office and Apartments that was interrupted by a security guard became the moment where it all went in another direction.

The reason I pick that point, is that in the follow-on Watergate inquiry and cover-up, journalists learned, lead by Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post, that the genteel relationship of Politician to Press was now over.  The telling scene was a press conference of a younger Dan Rather asking a pointed question of Richard Nixon that was half rant and half question.  Nixon asked if Rather was running for something.  Rather replied, “No, are you running from something?”  Nixon’s face turned the colour of a summer thunderstorm while the rest of the press just gasped:  Nobody in the media ever talked to the President that way. 

After Nixon did his last helicopter ride and the journalists were diagnosed with irritated rotator cuff injuries from patting themselves on the back so much, the media realized that asking pointed questions and always hunting for inconsistencies could bring down a President and a goodly chunk of the inner circle. 

I am not a Nixon apologist either.  Watching the whole Watergate thing unravel on TV, I became certain that Nixon was, to quote Hunter S. Thompson, “A cheap-jack hustler who needs his ass kicked and sprayed with Mace.”  But the die had been recast for journalists.

As of that moment, anything a public figure said was instantly considered a bald-faced, self-serving lie.  Every journo tried to get a statement that they could go and fact-check to death, uncovering every person or thing vaguely related to the public figure that might show the public figure was NOT telling the truth.  Even if the counterpoint person was a their 4th grade teacher or the house garbage showed they used Fleecy not Bounce.  Any tiny little inconsistency was a scandal, a -gate that could be worked to bring down the public figure, showering the journalist with the same heavenly light as Wood-Stein.  Or so the journalist hoped.

The reaction from public figures was predictable.  Only prepared statements that had been vetted by lawyers could be used.  Only pre-prepared sound bites could be mouthed that always left ‘wiggle’ room could fill the airwaves. 

As an example, ask a politician a question and the sound bite would be:  “Currently we have information that shows today is Monday in much of the world.”  A later question, of the same genre would elicit the answer of “Our estimation that today is Monday is under review at this time.  We will have a media release at 2 pm regarding the day of the week issue and a contact person in my office will keep you informed of developments.  Thank you.”

Plain speaking replaced with word dances:  The journalist trying for a Pulitzer on every question and story.  Everyone else not daring to speak like a human, for fear what they say getting twisted inside out.  Consequently nothing actually gets communicated. 

Harry S Truman, the US President, was known for “The Buck Stops Here”, meaning his chair was where decisions were made.  Truman is vilified by history for Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but on further examination, was probably the last real holder of the office.

Eisenhower was a parade float from D-Day and WWII who was never let near the press for fear he’d open his mouth.  Kennedy spoke purely in sound bites that made for snappy press clippings, while the press ignored him banging anything with an orifice. 

LBJ, privately, had some great lines, (“Gerry Ford couldn’t fart and chew gum at the same time..”) but had outhouse trolls like Robert McNamara micro-managing the Viet Nam war and filling LBJ’s mouth with things LBJ couldn’t pronounce and didn’t understand.

Nixon, well, we’ve been there.  Ford?  LBJ was right.  Carter might turn out to be one of the best since WWII, but the word dance shows in the classic line from the Playboy Interview:  “I have lusted in my heart…”, meaning: “If Roslyn every finds out I got me some when I was in the Navy, she’d take a nail gun to my ballsack at a Habitat for Humanity project.”

Regan was the Warner Brothers’ Animation Department’s finest hour; classic cel animation that was almost lifelike.  Chuck Jones did the drawing and Bob Clampett did the stories.  Ink and Paint were still done in America then, rather than farmed out to Korea like The Simpsons. 

Poppa Bush?  He was a photocopy of a fax of the fifth carbon copy of Regan.  The only one with Poppa who had a set was Colin Powell with the “First we cut off its’ head, then we kill it” comment from his days as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Clinton could make you feel guilty just by listening to him.  Slick was a verbal trapeze artist so skilled, that he made the Flying Wallendas look like quadruple amputees dropped on a mat.

Dubya, despite his inability to say “Nuclear” (It’s New-KLEE-err, dammit…) which I can overlook because he was schooled in Texas, is the reason the “Axis of Evil” Drinking Game was invented.  He gets a line stuck in the brain case and milks it until it becomes a parody of irony, satirized.

For those who don’t know the “Axis of Evil” drinking game, you would to watch a press conference with Dubya on the tube and a bottle to Jack Daniels’ in your hand.  Every time he’d say “Axis of Evil”, you down a shot.  If you passed out before the conference was over, it was a great day.

As shown now, with the responses to journalists’ questions being even longer and more convoluted, we wind up learning nothing of note.  It becomes easier to just watch CNN with the sound off. 

See Big Flash on the Al-Jazeera feed of Downtown Baghdad and turn up the sound.  See Christinane Amanpour or Wolf Blitzer?  Turn down the sound.  See General Tommy Franks?  Sound off again.  See Ari Fleischer?  Wait until he frowns, then down another shot of Jack Daniels’. 

At this rate, you should wake up in 2005, around the May long weekend.

A Presser That Will Never Be


Watching the media circus on the tube today, specifically the Donald Rumsfeld and Ari Fleisher shows.  The ink-stained wretches of the domestic press pool have outdone themselves in asking less than brilliant questions.  Some of the gems of journalistic wisdom included “Why hasn’t the war ended sooner?” and “Did you underestimate the importance of the Fedayeen Saddam?”  I was half expecting a journalist to ask “Do you wet the bed?” of Ari Fleischer or “Is that really your hair?” of Donald Rumsfeld.

Journalists in the past 30 years have undergone a dumbing-down that is remarkable.  I’ve done reporting and its not a tough job.  Five W’s  Who, What, When, Where, Why and just to fill it out, How.  Ask those questions, write a lead that answers those questions, then expand on it.  A classic pyramid.  Do some research and check some facts.  Get two or more experts to back up the basic idea, or refute it and you’ve got a 2000 word op-ed or think piece.

In a press conference, with all the other meat puppets trying to ask questions, journalists have a brain fade and park their common sense at the door.  Ask Donald Rumsfeld if he underestimated the importance of the Fedayeen Saddam and he’s not going to answer “You know, I think you’re right.  We might of.  Dammit Tommy, why didn’t you think of that?”  Ask Ari Fleischer why the war isn’t already over, he’s not going to say it’s because of this, that, or the other.  The reason Rumsfeld or Fleischer aren’t going to give out the answer is simple:  The question is moronic.

So, as a demented public service, we’re going to give out what Rumsfeld and Fleisher would answer, if they were not so utterly appalled by the astounding vapidity of the questions:

Journo #1  “Did you underestimate the strategic importance of the Fedayeen Saddam?”

Rumsfeld:  No we didn’t.  We knew they had these loonies around.  We didn’t know that they were so disturbed as to shoot at us from behind a group of women and children.  We just figured they were run of the mill assholes with shitty attitudes and pickup trucks who would run off at the first sign of real guns.  Turns out they’re real head cases.  Could we predict that?  Hell no.  Nobody could.  But we’re shooting every one we can find, because that’s what you do with rabid animals.  If they want to do a suicide mission in a school bus full of dynamite, we’ll see to it they see Allah right smartly.

Journo #2  “Why hasn’t the war ended sooner?”

Fleischer:  Because Saddam Hussein isn’t dead yet.  We’ve got feet on the street trying to kill the little shit, but he keeps moving around a lot.  Consequently we have to bomb a lot of Iraq and shoot at all the nimrods that protect him.  If the Iraqi people, or his bodyguards would just strip Saddam naked, beat the shit out of him, and toss him out of a truck near one of our tanks, we’ll take it from there.  Until that point, we have to do it the hard way.  As to why, well, you best go to Baghdad and ask Saddam.  He can give up any time he likes.

Journo #3  “Is the President expressing an opinion regarding the Syrian situation that is a foreign policy initiative change vis-a-vis the Palestinian situation and the role of the Kurdish Homeland?”

Fleischer:  I have no idea what kind of question that was and I suspect you don’t either, except to use policy-wank jargon and string together as long a sentence as you can touching on things you either know nothing about, or was written for you by somebody else.  Our foreign policy has not changed regarding Syria, Kurdish Homelands, Turkey, Montana, Palestine or Israel.  If you are looking for minutiae that can be construed as some millimetric change in foreign policy, go stare at the waistband of your underwear for four hours.  Then try to write a simple declarative sentence that contains a question.  Asshole.

Journo #4  “Are we taking more casualties than were expected?”

Rumsfeld:  Trying to predict how many of our guys and gals are going to get killed in a war, is like trying to predict how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.  Or, on a pinhead like you.  As soon as the gunfire starts, all bets are off and all estimates become educated guesses.  We don’t want to send even one of our people home with so much as a hangnail or sunburn.  But the enemy has other ideas.  We train our people about as well as can be done, but when you play with guns and bombs, eventually someone is going to get killed.  We hate it and we try not to get our people killed.

Journo #5  “Will the missile attack on the Kuwaiti shopping mall change the focus of the war?”

Rumsfeld:  Yes, emphatically.  We were just goofing around up ’till then.  Now it’s serious when they try to blow up a Wal-Mart.  I’ve asked Colin to ready the nukes. 

Journo #6  “Does the President consider the relations with the coalition partners to be critical to the mission now facing the US”

Fleischer:  Yes he does.  If he didn’t, he would be an idiot, like you.  He’s the President and you’re some jackoff reporter with epoxied hair, faggy makeup and a cheap suit.  He keeps the coalition up to date on all the stuff we’re doing, maybe not the minute by minute shit, as we can all watch CNN, too, but the big strokes.  That’s the way they like it and the President likes it.

Rumsfeld:  That’s enough exposure to stupidity for one day…

Fleischer:  Fuck you, very much.  

The Debate That Never Was


CHAIR:  Welcome to the Great Debate being held simultaneously on CNN and Iraqi State TV for a worldwide audience of millions. 

Our debaters tonight, His Excellency Commander in Chief and President for Life of the Republic of Iraq, Saddam Hussein.  (SPONTANEOUS APPLAUSE GOADED ON BY BAYONETS INTO THE BACKS OF THE AUDIENCE IN IRAQ)

…and his opponent, the President of the United States, George Walker Bush (CHANEY AND RUMSFELD DO THE WOOF WOOF WOOF)

…Our debaters have tossed a coin to determine who goes first, with a one minute opening statement and the winner was Saddam Hussein.  Mister Hussein?  Do you want to go first, or shall Mister Bush go first?

SADDAM: Bush go second (APPLAUSE FROM IRAQ STUDIO)

CHAIR: Mister Hussein, are you ready?  The topic is, Do you have weapons of mass destruction and are you a threat to World Peace.  You have one minute, starting now.

SADDAM: George Bush daddy try to kill me and glorious army of Republic of Iraq defend our homeland.  I no have weapons of mass destruction.  I say so.  Except what the stuff we use on Kurds.  No September 11 neither. I say so.  It is so. 

Missiles?  Is fireworks for our nightclubs. 

Food for Oil?  I no starve.  I got Range Rover and lots of gas.  Kuwait?  Never hear of it.  Berets we got.  Lots of berets for women of US who no wear veils with big bouncy breasts and legs showing. 

Israel?  Feh, Is not on map I see.  Glorious army of Iraq for home defense from Evil Empire of United States of America George W Bush.  I die with honour in Glorious Republic of Iraq where everybody vote for me.  Or have eyes cut out by Republican Guard.  Either or. 

Or I hear from email to Libya and exile.  George W Bush has cute wife looks like Dorothy Hamill.  Chelsea Clinton is babe.  You give me Chelsea Clinton and I get outta Baghdad real fast.  You run sandbox. (MORE HYSTERICAL APPLAUSE)

CHAIR:  Time Mister Hussein.  Mister Bush?

GWB: My fellow Americans.  This Evil Empire on the Axis of Evil is against Liberty and Freedom. 

Here are photos of Saddam himself loading poison gas into their nightclub fireworks aimed at a point on the map where Israel is. 

Here’s another of Saddam gouging the eyes out of a voter in Baghdad. 

And another of the Republican Guard, led by Saddam entering a tanning salon in Kuwait City for a tem minute session and a back waxing.

As for my Daddy, I say Your Momma, if she’s still alive.

We can turn your nation into rubble in twenty minutes.

But if you were going into exile, (TALKS OFF SCREEN TO CHENEY) would you take Noelle Bush instead of Chelsea?  And a lifetime subscription to Hustler?

SADDAM: Hell yeah!

GWB: Done.

CHAIR: Thank you gentlemen.  This debate has lasted about as long as the last four Mike Tyson fights and has brought about World Peace.  Good Night.