Category Archives: Computers and Internet

Happy Birthday ARPANet

Posted on April 7, 2009 | 2 comments

Light a candle and open the bubbly as today is the 40th anniversary of Request For Comment 1 for the ARPA Network.  The date was April 7th, 1969.

Essentially this means it is the Birthday of the Internet (with the capital I), this collection of components that allows you to read what I’m posting.  Underlying all this technology was the original thinking of how do we get computers to send and receive messages from each other.  To be more accurate, RFC 1 is the beginning of talking about how to get computers talking in real time.

Forty years later, broadband connectivity is common enough in many countries, that it is taken for granted, like safe water, clean food and air that can actually be inhaled without too many undue effects.  Which also explains that ‘puter on your desk and you reading the posting of some wank in Mississauga, even though Mississauga is several thousand kilometres away for some of you.

In the Olde Days, pre-NCSA Mosaic, networks like FreeNet, GEnie, Compuserve and AOHell provided the platform for rudimentary communications between regular humans.  BBS’s flourished, offering almost-real-time communications and an array of boards for every possible subject you could imagine.  There were also some boards you didn’t want to imagine. 

With those first rudimentary connections, you could talk with someone on the other side of the world, from a different culture and mindset, albeit using text, but communicating just the same.  Conceptually, we would know the Other Folks better, because we’ve sat down and had a virtual coffee with them, knowing that their fears, worries and joys are very much the same as our fears, worries and joys. 

Conceptually, we would become closer as a species, able to navigate the wisdom of the best and the brightest, posted online, for all to see.  Libraries of the collected knowledge would flourish, providing the reference works and links to other sources that would speed the development of such wonders that we wouldn’t be able to recognize ourselves in a decades’ time.

And we could swap recipes, of course, as that was always the real reason you spent a several thousand dollars to get one of the earliest Personal Computers.  You are finally going to organize those recipes, aren’t you?   

So, with this magical pipe, what have we managed to create that would make the initial commentators to RFC 1 proud of us?

Well, there’s porn.  409/Nigerian Bank scams.  Live stock market feeds.  Google as a noun and verb. (nous googleons, ils googlent)  ASCII Art.  LOLCats.  Goatse.  Ebaums soundboards.  Online poker.  Facebook.  Hulu’ing America’s Funniest Home Videos.  EagleCams.  iPods.  Smiles.  iPhone.  Crackberry.  ILoveYou viruses. More porn.  Work from home scams.  Amazon rankings.  Ebay rankings.  Alexa rankings.  Technorati rankings.  craigslist.  LLBean.  Online support groups for Everything.  TwoGirlsOneCup. Celebrity info up the rear portcullis.  Ananova.  Astrology for your pets.  Babelfish. Twitter.  Wikipedia and its tremulous grip on facts.  DrudgeReport.  Elf Bowling.  Java Choplifter.  Flash movies.  More porn.  Printed newspapers falling like leaves.  Webisodes.  Fanboy groups.  The collected wit of David Hobbs.  Massive Multiplayer Online Games/Groups/Societies/Civilizations.  Solitaire.  Avatars. Bejewelled.  And porn.

How did we do? 

                  

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Posted in Computers and Internet

Google up your Health Records?

Posted on May 24, 2008 | Leave a comment

The Google data hole has opened up another orifice to probe your life.  Google Health is designed to "Organize your health information all in one place.  Gather your medical records from doctors, hospitals and pharmacies…"

Sounds good so far, at least at the high level:  A big drive in the sky that keeps all your medical stuff in one place that you can point those who need to know at, so they can practice their art with as much knowledge as possible.

The buzzkill is the last couple of lines:  "Keep your doctors up to date about your health.  Be more informed about important health issues."  How is Google going to help me be more informed?  The same way they always do, by giving me targeted ads down one side of my browser page based the keywords that Google has identified.

You see this on a lot of web sites, they take what you entered and offer you links that are sort of like what you typed in.  Amazon recommendations, eBay sellers, or just simple wild-card link generators.  Type in "January Sub-Orbital Denominator" and get a list of books on all the words served up in a convenient link, as well as images of January Sub-Orbital Denominator in a bathing suit, plus a handful of links to eBay sellers who have not just January Sub-Orbital Denominator, but the Classic one for sale, cheap. 

Here’s two other little features from Google Health, taken right from their Terms of Service:

  • Google will use aggregate data to publish trend statistics and associations. For example, Google might publish trend data similar to what is published in Google Trends. None of this data can be used to personally identify an individual.
  • Certain features of Google Health can be used in conjunction with other Google products, and those features may share information to provide a better user experience and to improve the quality of our services. For example, Google Health can help you save your doctors’ contact information into your Google Contact List.

    Not only is Google (Larry Page and Sergey Brin) very kindly offering me targeted ads to keep me informed, they’re also accumulating all my data to sell to other companies to help me have a better user experience.  Of course, there is no personal data transmitted:  Larry and Sergey said so and if you can’t believe them, who can you believe?

    To be fair, Bill and Steve offer the same thing called Microsoft Health Vault which is just as dodgy.  Even the home page features ads from a bunch of advertisers of medical equipment (home blood pressure monitors for instance) and links from some sites that offer to help you with more information.  Of course, there is no personal information transmitted:  Bill and Steve said so and if you can’t believe them, who can you believe?

    Both companies make a lot of money selling the attention of people who are interested in certain things.  This is no different from the days of broadcast television, but with the web, you can be very very specific. 

    If, as an advertiser, you only want to reach left-handed bi-polars with high blood pressure, then analyzing the raw data from either Google or Microsoft will tell you how many left-handed bi-polars with high blood pressure exist in their audiences.  If there are enough subscribers, then you buy a click link.  Odds are that the very specific subset of subscribers will see your ad and a profitable number will click on it and buy what you’re selling.

    As an advertiser, you pay Google and Microsoft for the privilege of seeing the data, using the data and having them place your ad.  Then you pay for anyone who clicks on your ad.

    Aside from a ‘better user experience’, we’re letting two large corporations know everything about our health so they can sell the data to other companies for money.  As a user, you won’t get paid a percentage for advertisers being interested in whatever maladies you might have and taken the time to enter into your health record.

    You might notice that I have left out the whole ethical issue of insurance companies buying the data and adjusting health insurance rates based on what you’ve posted.  After all, they wouldn’t do that:  They’ve said so and if you can’t believe a private health insurance carrier, who can you believe?

     

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    Posted in Computers and Internet

    The Shit List

    Posted on July 4, 2007 | Leave a comment

    I am about to post something foul and disgusting, so consider yourself warned. 

    The Shit List was a piece of what was called Xerox or photocopier humour back in the day.  For those of us old enough to remember that kind of joke format, before the Internet, Xeroxes and photocopies were the source of a lot of excruciating humour in the office environment.

    At one place I worked, the Xerox repairman always had a couple of three-ring binders full of the foulest, rankest humour your could imagine.  As he was in our office about twice a week, we were always kept up to date on the latest humourous items.  Later, as technology evolved, we would fax it to others in distant cities to spread the cheer.  Today, you post a link, or email it to a list on your computer. 

    The Shit List has been around for years.  The first time I heard it was over the phone from a good friend, who took close to an hour to read the four or five hundred words.  We were laughing so hard, we both sprained ribs.  For two days my stomach hurt from laughing so much.  It wasn’t that we were fourteen years old either:  We were both grown men, married and respectable suburban homeowners.   

    This isn’t to say that that The Shit List is the Funniest Joke in the World, or the most intelligent, or the most polite: Humour doesn’t work that way.  It is pure scatology, offensive in the extreme and actually quite repugnant, dealing as it does with waste elimination.  Oh well.

    Credit where credit is due:  Marylou found it on http://qurlyjoe.bu.edu/cducibs/amusing.html

    All that is missing is the text looking like a fourth-generation photocopy of a photocopy, as this is as close to the original as you can get.

                             SHIT LIST !!!
                      ————————
    THE GHOST SHIT
        The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there’s no shit in the bowl.

    THE CLEAN SHIT
        The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there’s no shit on the toilet paper.

    THE WET SHIT
        You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

    THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
        This shit happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

    THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
        Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".  You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

     

    THE CORN SHIT

    No explanation necessary.

    THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
        The kind of shit that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

    THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT
        The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.  It’s most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

    THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
        The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

    THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
        Also known as the "Power Dump".  That’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

    THE LIQUID SHIT
        That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

    THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
        A class all its own.

    THE CROWD PLEASER
        This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

     

    THE MOOD ENHANCER
        This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

    THE RITUAL
        This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

    THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
       A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

    THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
        This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

    THE "HONEYMOON’S OVER" SHIT
        This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

    THE GROANER
        A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

    THE FLOATER
        Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

    THE RANGER
        A shit which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

    THE PHANTOM SHIT
        This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

    THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
        Now you see it, now you don’t.  This shit is playing games with you.  Requires patience and muscle control.

     

    THE BOMBSHELL
        A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

    THE SNAKE CHARMER
        A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless.

    THE OLYMPIC SHIT
        This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Shit.

    THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
        This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

     

    THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
        An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN’T shit.

    PREMEDITATED SHIT
        Laxative induced.  Doesn’t count.

    SHITZOPHERENIA
        Fear of shitting – can be fatal!

    ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
        Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

    THE POWER DUMP SHIT
        The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you’re done.

    THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
        This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

    THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
        The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.

    THE "I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
        Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

    THE PORRIDGE SHIT
        The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

    THE "I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
        When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

    THE "I THINK I’M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
        When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

    THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
        Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

    THE "I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
       Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.

     This just in! A new category. Respectfully submitted by a browser who, oddly enough, desires no credit for his discovery.

    The "TURBO-CHARGER" SHIT
    You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking
    everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet
    full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal
    shit. This typically results in a completely soaked behind.

     

    And another one already, from Gavin Leek. Sounds like he’s personally familiar with this one. 

    THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT
    You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along
    the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50kms,
    you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in
    to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the
    realisation that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind
    the bowl.

     
     
     

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    Posted in Computers and Internet

    Query Query At AOL

    Posted on August 10, 2006 | Leave a comment

    Let us grapple with the most recent AOHell security breach.  The story is that the details of 20 million searches was posted on an AOL website.  Fortunately no readily identifiable information was posted with the search data, but the data itself contained a veritable gold mine.  So much extractable data was present that some intelligent reporters were able to pinpoint individual users.

    Think of what you have ever entered into a search window.  I don’t care if it was MSN Search, AOHell, Google or that Hungarian Porn Search Engine, Ask Mistress Ilsa.    

    Each search entered goes into a database of what people are looking for:  A big list, essentially.  If enough people ask the same question, then the site that hosts one of the answers, gets a higher ranking, if enough people click through to it.  Yes, the search engines keep all that data including your IP address, again in a big database.  What the search engine folks get, at the end of the day, is two lists:  What people are looking for and what people in what approximate area looked for it.  You then re-sort the two lists into most number of hits and most frequent locations. 

    To carry the analogy forward with an example, one would expect many of the people searching internet sites in the New Orleans, Baton Rouge and Biloxi area will search a lot of sites regarding FEMA or trailers, or home improvement contractors.  Makes sense right?  That’s the broadest view. 

    The tighter view is you can target what individual searchers are looking for.  If you take a subscriber in Toronto and look at their list of most recent searches, you might find the Caribana schedule of events, TTC map of the subway system and iTunes to find some music by Toots and the Maytalls.  Could one make the assumption that the particular subscriber was interested in going to Caribana in downtown Toronto, by subway, then trying to find some tunes from a fine Jamaican band of the early 70’s.  Of course you could. 

    The problem becomes more acute when you look at what people actually type into search engines.  Quite a few people think that Googling their name or their Social Insurance Number, or Driver’s License number is fun.  I’m fortunate there is a mathematician with the same name as me and he’s cited in thousands of works and pages, so I don’t Google very well.  You might be astounded just how much data about you does exist in readily readable, public form. 

    A website that I am aware of has an applet called Chinese Wish Sticks.  You type in your wish and then press the button to metaphorically drop the wish sticks.  The answer to the wish comes up and is displayed to the user:  It is like the Magic 8-Ball answer ball of the 60’s.  Unbeknownst to the users of the website and the Wish Stick program, the wishes are kept.  You will not believe what people will wish for, moreover how much detail they go into when they are forming their wish.  Some people would be quite embarrassed if what they wished for ever became publicly known.

    This data, what people are interested in, is golden.  It is really what search engines sell:  Market Intelligence.  Most search engines take your query “Green Chinese Pots” and turn around and display something back to you from an advertiser.  We have all seen the highlighted and targeted ads for “Want more Green Chinese Pots?  Click here for Amazon” or “Improve your sex drive with Green Chinese Pots from CheapDrugsRus.Com”.  These are very simplistic marketing messages that are targeted at exactly what you typed into the search engine.  Advertisers pay money to the search engine for the privilege of being put right in front of you.  Advertisers pay even more if you click on their ad link, in the form of a click through. 

    On RoadDave Blog Version, you might see some ads along the left hand side in the Sponsored Links box.  Those link ads are from MSN and a company called Kanoodle that places ads that are supposedly targeted at you, the strange and under-medicated reader of this blog.  For each click-through by you, I get 7 cents.  Since the Blog Version has been up, I have generated $1.14 in income.  Most of the ads I’ve seen are stock tips and a website for parenting, which tells me these people have no clue what kind of ads to put in front of you, dear reader, so they default to some detritus.

    Any search data can tell you a lot about the users.  If you cross-tabulate all the searches for “60 year old single men” with “online pharmacy” and then sort off the duplicate users, you have a list of people who would be likely candidates for very specific advertising.  This is the stuff that give marketers saucy dreams at night, but it isn’t a new paradigm in advertising.  This kind of targeting has been going on for decades. 

    Take for instance, a trade publication, like Truck and Fleet Manager.  The audience is very specific: People who manage and buy fleets of commercial trucks.  Consequently you would expect to see advertisements for fleet management computer programs, trade ads from truck, chassis and body manufacturers, oil companies, personnel companies, tire manufacturers and so on.  Every ad would talk about the savings per vehicle mile that their wonder-product would produce for the fleet manager.  The advertiser knows that the reader is vitally concerned with all the things that go into managing a fleet of trucks.  There would be no reason to have ads for lipstick, pantyhose or summer dresses.  Perhaps if the publication was called Cross-Dressing Truck and Fleet Manager it would work, but I think we’re getting into a very, very limited subset of the global audience of Truck and Fleet Managers.

    The AOL data leak is not quite the hideous privacy invasion it has been made out to be in the media.  What it really exposes is how much data is being collected on the Internet about your searches and how that data is being used by advertisers to beat you to death with accurately targeted advertising.  It also exposes the seamy underbelly of the Internet and the whole money for data sale that has been going on since shortly after the Internet started.  Internet Service Providers and Advertisers really don’t want you to see that part of the business for fear you start throwing odd terms into your searches.  If enough people enter “Blue Divot Markers” into a search window, a marketing and statistics weenie will want to know the reason people are looking for Blue Divot Markers. 

    If they want to know what “Blue Divot Markers” are, you can always refer them to RoadDave.  I just made that name up, but it does make for a really cool product name.  Now, if only I can figure out what a Blue Divot Marker is, or does, or can do, I’ll be set. 

    This strikes at the real heart of marketing.  Today, whole companies are devoted to finding those little tiny stirrings in the data that might lead to the Next Big Thing.  They don’t look at the mass of data; they are digging in the exceptions and odd phrases that stick out.  “Blue Divot Markers” will be the Next Big Thing, as long as you enter it the next time you use any of the big search engines.  I’ve already tried it on Ask Mistress Ilsa, but I did use someone elses’computer, if only to throw them off. 

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    Posted in Computers and Internet

    UN Chat Room

    Posted on August 7, 2006 | Leave a comment

    It is a little-known fact that United Nations has several online chatrooms to help members of the Security Council, the General Assembly and selected invitees to work through the difficult negotiations regarding UN resolutions in their off hours.  Most often these sessions happen during the interminable speeches at the General Assembly.

    Through devious means we have obtained a transcript of one of the UN chatroom sessions from Saturday night as the US and the French were hammering out a Security Council Resolution on the Middle East.

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says:

    s’up?

     

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) says;

    nuthin much just chillin…theyre working out some kinda deal

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    kewl

     

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) says;

    they met up in the cafeteria and are working it

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org(LEBANON) has entered the chat

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    that ehud chaps my ass shooting up the joint

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    hey fuad!  he’s just being ohlmert

     

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) says;

    LOL

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    is bashman around 2nite?

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) has entered the chat

     

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) says;

    i’m here foo…lurking

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    you got some you can lemme have?

     

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) says;

    we got, you want?

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    you got 150 worth?

     

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) says;

    done deal duude

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) has entered the chat

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    you’ll never guess who i saw in the front of the line

     

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) says;

    who this time? mohammed again?

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    LOL

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    fuck you bolton.  i saw poodle and cowboy at the head of the line

    with ehud, condi and some guy in a tuke i think

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    no shit

     

    bigdickhank@henrykissinger.com (INTL) has entered the chat

    bigdickhank@henrykissinger.com (INTL) says;

    any females tonight  anyone want to cyber?

    bigdickhank@henrykissinger.com (INTL) has left the chat

     

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) says;

    what an asshat…

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    didnt he used to work for you

     

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) says;

    hes oldskool style whackoff artist

    used to be called forty second yank the hank

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    ROTFLMAO

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    LMAO!!!!!!!

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!

    anthonyblair@hmrisp.gov (UK) has entered the chat

     

    anthonyblair@hmrisp.gov (UK) says;

    evening lads. 

    cowboydubya@whitehouse.com (USA) has entered the chat

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    hey blair!

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    tony!

     

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) says;

    mistah blair and the boss!

     

    cowboydubya@whitehouse.com (USA) says;

    gennlemens i got some friends coming in tonight so be nice

     

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) says;

    tony and dubya on the same night?  dayum!

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    can you see daylight yet tony, or are u still up his ass?

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    whose coming in dubya?

     

    anthonyblair@hmrisp.gov (UK) says;

    eat shit and die jean-marc

     

    cowboydubya@whitehouse.com (USA) says;

    condi, ehud and k-man are going online in a bit

     

    condibabe@hotpants.com (USA) has entered the chat

    ehud.ohlmert@israel.gov (ISRAEL) has entered the chat

    condibabe@hotpants.com (USA) has left the chat

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) says;

    whaz the deal-o?

     

    brillohead@un.org (UN) has entered the chat

    condi@usa.org (USA) has entered the chat

    cowboydubya@whitehouse.com (USA) says;

    ise best be letting kofie tell youall about it

     

    brillohead@un.org (UN) says;

    good evening all

     

    condi@usa.org (USA) says;

    i think we got something worked out offline

     

    anthonyblair@hmrisp.gov (UK) says;

    hey condi!

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    hey babe!

     

    condi@usa.org (USA) says;

    you know that pipeline we got in alaska?  the one with the crotchrot?

     

    brillohead@un.org (UN) says;

    …this is just fucking brilliant !…..

     

    condi@usa.org (USA) says;

    well, bp cant afford to fix it so its gonna leak oil all over the joint

     

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) says;

    so? its in alaska fer fucksakes…

     

    condi@usa.org (USA) says;

    yeah, but its gonna put the price of oil thru the roof

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    and then what?

     

    condi@usa.org (USA) says;

    well, we can afford to fix it, but its gonna take some time

    so we got bp to pony up some stock just in case

    they owe us for letting them off the enviro hook years ago

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    ok, so you got stock in an oil company that’s gonna take off

    like a cat with a kerosene enema

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    or a katyusha aimed at ehuds condo in Haifa

     

    ehud.ohlmert@israel.gov (ISRAEL) says;

    fuck you towel head

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    eat me cliptip. your mother did and she liked it!

     

    brillohead@un.org (UN) says;

    SHUT THE HELL UP AND LISTEN !!

     

    condi@usa.org (USA) says;

    tkx kofi…here’s the deal.  we squeezed them for 1000 shares, which

    should be close to 12 billion dollars in six months  fuad, hassan and ehud

    get 300 shares each and economic independence forever

     

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) says;

    wow!

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    sweeeeet…

     

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) says;

    damm thats a beaut

     

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) says;

    hey thats only 900 shares

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) says;

    yeah what gives???

     

    condi@usa.org (USA) says;

    lemme finish…the deal is Israel, Hezbollah and Lebanon have to

    knock it off to get the shares.  gotta drop guns now.  The rest of

    the shares get divvied up with syria and france.  were gonna give

    kofi some and some for us, but you three get the big slice.

    deal?

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    for that kind of money I’d tongue kiss ariel sharons ass

     

    ehud.ohlmert@israel.gov (ISRAEL) says;

    we agree but not with the tongue kissing shit

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    sorry, hoseman from egypt was IMing me.  we’re in.

     

    condi@usa.org (USA) says;

    kofi?

     

    brillohead@un.org (UN) says;

    and we got you all membership in opec, front row seats

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    out-freakin’-standing!

     

    ehud.ohlmert@israel.gov (ISRAEL) says;

    dayum that’s sweeeeeet

     

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) says;

    thanks guys its sooooo kewl…sending the email now to drop tools

     

    ehud.ohlmert@israel.gov (ISRAEL) says;

    …same here…

     

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) says;

    yep yep got voicemail but its done

     

    JMdeS@un.org (FRANCE) has left the chat

    bashman@un.org (SYRIA) has left the chat

    bolton.john@un.org (USA) has left the chat

    anthonyblair@hmrisp.gov (UK) has left the chat

    cowboydubya@whitehouse.com (USA) has left the chat

    ehud.ohlmert@israel.gov (ISRAEL) has left the chat

    fuad@fuadsanoria.org (LEBANON) has left the chat

    hassan@hezbollaboys.com (INTL) has left the chat

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    brillohead@un.org (UN) has left the chat

    bigdickhank@henrykissinger.com (INTL) has entered the chat

    bigdickhank@henrykissinger.com (INTL) says;

    any females tonight  anyone want to cyber?

    bigdickhank@henrykissinger.com (INTL) has left the chat

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    Posted in Computers and Internet

    Mister Bill

    Posted on June 16, 2006 | Leave a comment

    I’ll declare my bias up front:  I work for the guy.  He causes the groceries to be paid around here.  I even watched the press conference yesterday, so keep that in mind.

     

    Bill Gates is pulling the pin on his career at Microsoft.  After founding the joint and making it the primo creator of software on the planet, Bill is retiring from Microsoft to work with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation full time.

     

    There are some of us who remember the days before this industry existed.  Computers were the size of bungalows, had air conditioners the size of Cadillacs and were managed by lab-coated hobbits.  Programming took months.  Only huge organizations, like StatsCanada, MetLife Insurance or Bell Canada could afford the price to play. 

     

    The names on the side of the boxes were IBM, Burroughs, Univac, or Honeywell.  Entering a computer room you could feel the power in the air, see the plate steel, painted iron and huge rubber coated cables that fed the monsters.  For good reason, mainframes were and still are, called Big Iron in the business.  Everything was heavy, strong, and engineered to last decades.  I still remember the sound and smell of a 1 Meg hard drive, the size of a washing machine, spinning out and fracturing, at ISC on Walkley Road:  Picture a frozen whole elephant being run through God’s Table Saw and you’re close.

     

    Naturally, any thing that was printed out from these behemoths was absolutely true, accurate and completely correct, after all, it was a computer.  We all but worshiped them.

     

    Then some long-hairs came up with a Personal Computer.  A putty coloured tin box that could sit on your desk and plug into the wall.  It could do almost all the things the Big Iron could do, but you had to have certain arcane skills to coax it to life.  These skills were passed from user to user on notepaper, or scotch taped to the keyboard.  Manuals, if they existed at all, were written for the insane by the insane and weighed several pounds.

     

    Somewhere in there, Bill Gates and a few other unindicted co-conspirators came up with the idea of a computer on the desk and the tools to make it possible.  Bill is not the father of the PC, or the father of software.  However, he was the one with the vision that said just about everyone could have one and be able to use it to do things. 

     

    In my lifetime an entire industry was created and injected into society at nearly every level.  The computer you’re using now to read this, is connected to a massive network of other computers passing 0’s and 1’s along copper wires, glass fibers and radio waves so we can talk, read, write, play, connect, conduct business, earn money, download porn, or listen to music. 

     

    Computers themselves have also changed:  My cellphone, which contains a computer and a lot of software, has more memory and raw computational grunt than the computers that took Apollo 11 to the Moon and back to Earth.

     

    Bill might have run a company best described as occasionally predatory, or confused, or brilliant; sometimes all of those things at the same time.  He might be wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice.  He might also be willing to share significant portions of that money with the less fortunate.  You can’t minimize the things the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation have done.

     

    At the end of the day, however, he helped create an entire industry that has winkled its way into just about every aspect of modern life.  Not many people can say that. 

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    Posted in Computers and Internet

    Electricity

    Posted on October 24, 2002 | 1 comment

    I like the flow of electrons. It likes me. We get along wonderfully. I turn on a light and the electricity gnomes do their thing, causing visible light so I won’t stub my toe on the fridge.

    I don’t however, like working on electrical stuff. I do it because I can and the Scottish in me won’t allow me to pay someone $75 an hour to do work that I can do. The reason I don’t like electricity goes back to, like most fears, my parents. One day my Dad asked me to work on the dryer at home with him. He assured me that he had pulled the fuse to the dryer, so I violated the first rule of Electrical Safety: Trust No One, Including Yourself.

    When I grabbed the leads to disconnect the dryer, I saw a fascinating array of stars, glowing planets, little tweeting birds and flying musical notes. I was also upside down, splayed on my head, on the other side of the basement, about 20 feet away from the dryer. I also learned an interesting fact about my Dad: He can’t be trusted to tell the difference between a stove fuse and a dryer fuse.

    For those of you who are not electrically minded let me simplify: With the power OFF, working on electrical wiring is as safe as you can be playing with stiff copper wire and hand tools. Don’t stick wire under your fingernails. Don’t poke yourself in the eye with the pliers and try not to drill a hole in your hand. The usual run-with-scissors kinds of safety stuff.

    With the power ON, however, they be enough juice in dere to kill yer ass dead five times over. Touch the wrong thing and you get to see God, up-close and personal as He asks pointed questions regarding taking names in vain and some stuff regarding adultery. So, it was with some trepidation that I cracked open the breaker panel at Chateau 59 to hook up some stuff

    The power is now resolved in the basement. All the computers run on separate outlets, protected from bad electric gnomes, rogue electrons and to quote Donald Sutherland, “negative vibes, man”. It was done without incident, safely, slowly and properly. I now don’t have to worry about it for a while until I set up that aluminum smelter or arc welder in the basement.

    1 Comment

    Posted in Computers and Internet, Social Constructs

    Pullin’ Wire

    Posted on October 19, 2002 | 1 comment

    Make up your own joke, but I’ve spent the last few days pulling my wire.  No, not that.  Pulling network wire and phone wire.  The lower level office is only partially wired and because we are both computer geeks, we need access to the World Wide Wait.

    So do the roommates, Lindsay and Joscelin, as part of the their studies in Journalism and Economics respectively.  Q.E.D., ‘net access is mission critical

    I feel like I’ve spent eleven days in the ceiling, covered in plaster dust, fiberglass and the effluvia of construction.  Each night I crawl to bed, bent like a pretzel made by monks with no sense of depth or proportion.  The end is not in sight yet, but there are eight net drops in place and three phone lines all running as advertised. 

    Mind  you, I do have bits of cat 5e cable under my finger nails and am now getting network signals in my left hand.  Tomorrow, David vs. Electricity!

    1 Comment

    Posted in Computers and Internet