Voting With Vick’s Is Good

Today is voting day in our municipal election here in Ottawa.  We’re a city of about 700,000 give or take, and we are exercising our franchise for a new Mayor, City Councilors and School Trustees who will be spending our tax money over the next four years.

Voter turnout?  If we get to 70% of eligible voters, we will be impressed with the actual participation in the democratic process by our fellow citizens.  We can understand why most people don’t give a flying fornicative act about voting, as the candidates could bore a statue to sleep while the process is so complex that even Stephen Hawking said “Frig that crap!” 

One mayoral candidate, who shall remain nameless but is actually the incumbent Larry O’Brien, is off and on his meds so often that the running gag at City Hall is we can use him as a weathervane after he gets turfed from office.  The other, leading candidate, also nameless, but is really Jim Watson, takes so many personality suppressants that he makes Wally Cox look like romance novel coverboy Fabio. 

The other dozen or so candidates for Mayor either have an uncontrolled case of monomania, or are in the Witless Protection Program.  Many of them have fond memories of taking the short bus to school.  Two of them still wear their hockey helmet from Grade 7.

For council, we have a reasonable incumbent in our riding who doesn’t suck much in a council that if we dusted them with salt, could be called Mixed Nuts.  Other ridings have a collection of the lame, the halt and insane that look like the Sidewalk Sale at the Penatanguishine Home For The Criminally Insane.

As for School Trustee?  It comes down to trying to decipher what School Board you are actually entitled to vote for.  Ottawa, Separate, French Language, Left-Handed, Alternative Lifestyle, Non-vowel using, Inclusive, Pro-social, Self-Esteem Raising, Anaphylactic-Catholic, or Ottawa, Public, English as a Fourth Language, Bipolar, Free-Range, Organic, Flag Semaphore, Zamboni-Positive, Bicycle-Owning, Sandal Recycling, Hemp Tuesday’s, Reform Druid.  Pick four out of a slate of 984 candidates, arranged in inverse alphabetical order by their middle names.  School Board voting is fraught here.

In any case, we are going to actually make the effort to vote for one simple reason:  If you don’t vote, you can’t complain about the municipal government you get.  We might get saddled with a slate of what could charitably called Thieving Pimps Who Would Whore Their Own Mothers For Unlubricated Bareback Anal Sex To Any Developer With Enough Cash To Pay The Shot.  Conversely, we might get a council of something even worse.  One can never tell, as platforms, standards and political stances can change with the waving of the right number of $5 bills.  Or lubricant.

However, we are planning on putting a dollop of Vick’s Vapo-Rub under our nose just before we enter the polling station to kill the smell long enough to make our marks on the various ballots.  We will vote. 

And, by Deity yes, we will complain.