Pushing towards Day 60 of the Deepwater Horizon oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, more details keep seeping out of the hole in the ocean floor in the form of emails, text messages and general conversation. Right up until the Deepwater Horizon rig blew up, killing 11 rig workers, the drillers, well service companies and even BP itself categorized the whole operation as a Five-Alarm, Full-Mongolian, Cluster-Fornicative Act.
This serves to underscore the complete lack of legislative enforcement that has to be laid in a steaming lump in front of the US Government. Yes, I am going to blame Prez O for this one. To quote Harry Truman; “The Buck Stops Here.” That’s the definition of the gig of President. O-man? Grow a set.
Now, yes, certainly, Bill Clinton and Dubya did set the tone for the enforcement by government, which could best be summed up as “Get on your knees, shut your eyes and open your mouth.” Having Shotgun Dick Cheney as VP didn’t help either, with his open invitation to the oil companies to write their own energy policy that he would rubber stamp, but the enforcement side can’t all be laid at his rooms at the Undisclosed Location.
Tonight Prez O is going on the airwaves to bring the US up to date on the spill. Herewith, my first draft of his speech:
“Thank you for letting me into your home tonight. I want to speak to you, my fellow Americans about what your government is doing about the oil spill in the Gulf: To clear the air and water, so to speak.
Since the explosion at the Deepwater Horizon well in the Gulf of Mexico, we haven’t had the vaguest clue as to how much oil has been leaking out. British Petroleum has been shitting us since five minutes after the fire went out.
Their talk of safeguards, environmental protection and responsible stewardship of the seas has been nothing but unmitigated manure that we are collecting and will put on the roses in the Rose Garden. Unfortunately the Rose Garden isn’t that big. So we’re going to fix it for you, the American People, with our 8 point plan:
Point 1: I have signed an Executive Order, nationalizing BP America. As of right now, BP is our Bitch. If BP and their stockholders want compensation, the line forms over here. You don’t like it? You can kiss my sweaty black Presidential ass.
Point 2: The BP stock dividend is now officially Zero. If you’re a stockholder in BP and you got a beef with that, you can join the line over here to kiss my sweaty black Presidental ass. Take a number.
Point 3: The executive management of BP America is now in the custody of the Secret Service. Their new job is pushing a shovel and dragging boom in Louisiana. They did it and they’re going to clean it up, personally. We got Sheriff Joe Arpiao from Phoenix to supervise their new workplace. You’ll like Sheriff Joe as long as you do exactly what he says. If he says you get lunchmeat three times a day, then you get lunchmeat three times a day. Get used to the prison orange jumpsuits.
Point 4: The National Guard is rolling as of one hour ago. I signed an Executive Order mobilizing the National Guard of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida to get to the shores. Now.
They’re bringing shovels, sand, straw and will walk the whole shoreline mopping up until it’s spotless. If that means 12 hours on and 12 hours off for the next 40 weeks, then that’s the deal. We’ll pay for it out of the proceeds from selling off BP America piece by piece. If you want to help, come on down. It won’t be easy work, but it’s work and we’ll pay you well.
Point 5: We’re bringing General Russell Honore back in. He did the job in New Orleans in the days after Katrina, when FEMA was pissing around comparing pants and media coverage under Dubya Bush. I have signed an Executive Order giving General Honore complete control, under Martial Law for everything twelve miles out, to two miles inland from the shoreline, from Texas to the Florida-Georgia border. General Honore has my complete support to do whatever he needs to do to clean this mess up now. If General Honore says taking a bullwhip to Tony Heyward will make it go faster, then Tony best get prepared for a whuppin.
Point 6: The Minerals Management Service is officially gone, as of tomorrow at Noon. I am writing a clemency order and getting a half-dozen serial rapists out of Federal jails. Prison-crazy, sociopaths can’t do worse than you morons at MMS. You turd tappers let the oil companies write their own safety inspection reports since 2005. I’m getting you the hell out of the American government service. Your severance is: I’m not going to have you shot.
Point 7: When we sell off BP in a few months time, you can be assured that the first in line for the cash will be the folks who have had their whole livelihoods trashed by BP. Now, if we can use your shrimp boat and crew to work on the cleanup, we surely will. General Honore will organize it by tomorrow afternoon and we’re payin cash. By the way, your Federal taxes? Fuggedaboud’em for the next five years. You’ll need the break as we don’t know what the hell the effects of all this are going to be.
Point 8: For the rest of you; don’t boycott BP, as it’s now your own oil company. We own it and we can use the money right now to pay for this cleanup. If that means y’all don’t go to Exxon or Shell, well, they just have to suck it up and take some responsibility for one of their industry buddies being king-size fcukups. By the way, we have noticed you haven’t sent any of your techs or spill supplies to the Gulf to help out. Thanks loads, a-holes. We’ll remember that the next time you want a favour.
That’s all I got right now folks. This job does surely suck some days, but when we need to, we’ll talk again. Good night.”
RoadDave 