Mason Baveux and the Olympics II

Davey’s asked me if I wanted to write more about the Olys, so’s I said yep. 

Skeleton: Now didn’t we do just fine there, what with that kid from Russell Manitoba winnin the Gold.  Skeleton is like the luge, but you go down face first with your pie hole about a half inch off the ice, through the same turns as the lugers and the bobsleddin lads and just as jeezly fast.  You steer by dragging your feet and moving your arse about to keep from goin head first into a wall of ice at 140 k per.  Which could ruin your day if you did.  On the Womens side of the skeleton, we did just fine too.  No medals but the Brit girl who won was the one with the biggest set of balls what clanked when she walked.

Fancy Skatin:  Some Yank florist won, but without doin a quadruped leap, what pissed off the Russian, Ivan Bitchacockoff, who did a four times around and landed ‘er.  I think what we’re seein is the downside of the Olys so here me out for a moment. 

There’s sports where you can tell who won.  They went the farthest, or tallest, or fastest.  Those are things what you can measure.  Closest to the house, or more goals, or didn’t take as long as the other lad.  Then there’s the judging sports.  You got your artistic merit, or degree of difficulty, or did you land’er OK. 

Anytime you got judges for anything like art, it’s a “my opinion is better’n yours, so shut yer trap” kinda pissin contest.  Even if all the judges are fair and square, it still comes down to “I said so and you can eff off.”  Which tells me it ain’t a sport worthy of the Olys.  And lookin at some of the judges at the Fancy Skatin, I doubt if any one of them could push back from the table without assistance, let alone do some quadruped leap on skates, so what the hell do they know?  Same with the half-pipers.  Might as well give out the medals based on the applause or the colour of their boards. 

Judgin ruins it all as they sit around natterin about oh she’s ranked fourth and it’s not her time and she didn’t turn her ankle out the right way on the second revolution so’s to demonstrate the lithe determination of the atheticisms.  Eff that.  Them judges cain’t see it anyways, even if they watched the replay twice, so’s they’re talkin out their arseholes to make themselves look important and get a better hotel at the Olys. 

Now sure, there has to be some judgin, as in is that an offside or icing.  Did you put your skatin boot across the lane line, your elbow in the defenceman’s guts or that kind of measuring, fer sure, but marks for artistic merit?  Jeeze Louise, might as well hand out medals based on yer dye job instead of your performance.  They used to have barrell jumpin at the Olys.  The one what jumped over the most barrells won the Gold and they didn’t give a shiite if you landed ear, elbow and dicktip first.

Speakin of dicktips, will someone tell the lads what makes the aerodynamic uniforms for the speedy sports that we don’t want to see the moose knuckle.  We don’t need to see it either.  I asked Maureen and she says if you sew some interfacing (whatever the hell that is) into the uniforms, you’d be presenting a more finished appearance. Instead, we get to see who waxes or who answers correctly to Mazel Tov!. 

At least in the hockey you know they’re wearing a cup or they’re going to come off the ice on a stretcher, curled up like a cocktail shrimp halfway into the first period.  Wear some gitch, dammit.

Speakin of gitch, the Brit media has been pissin all over Canada about the flame bein behind a chain link fence, the Zambonis breakin down, no fourth leg at the openin, the tracks too fast or it’s too dangerous, or we ain’t got enough snow.  Well, from where I sit, we done a great job and the Brit media can have urine, stool and sperm sample.  Which means they can go eat my gitch.  When you smartarses do the Summer Olys in 2012, I’ll be writin up every screwup you got and they’rl be thousands. 

I’ll even start now.  You got 76 million people in the United Kingdom and are so smart you haven’t got the sense to let one of them go to Dentist School?  Frig ya all.  Oh and stop boilin your food.  Yer supposed to be able to chew a roast a bit.  Sorry, I forgot, none of you have any friggin teeth which is why you boil everything, includin yer friggin heads in a bucket of tea.  Arseholes.  And don’t friggin smile anymore either.  You’re scarin the kids.

And by the way, we’re kickin ass and takin names in the Curling.  Cheryl Bernard pulled another one out, this time on Denmark and just floated the hammer into the four foot in the extra end.  Now that’s the thrill of victory.