It would seem that Canada is very gently, very quietly, with great subtlety, invading the United States. Twelve Timmy’s are open now in New York City. That’s right, Timmy’s, the ubiquitous Canadian icon is making it in New York. (You can now sing “If you can make it there…” if so inclined. I eschew showtunes, thanks)
Tim’s, for uninitiated south of the 49th, is a coffee and donuts chain. In the US, the closest equivalent is Dunkin’ Donuts with some notable exceptions. Up here, if there are two dirt roads that cross at a four way stop and more than three houses, there is likely a Tim’s. Tim Hortons (there is no apostrophe anymore) has close to 3,500 locations with new ones seemingly opening hourly, selling coffee, tea, donuts, sandwiches and other ‘quick service’ menu items. There is even a Timmy’s at the Canadian Forces Base at Kandahar Air Field, in Afghanistan.
For a while, Timmy’s was part of Wendy’s, which explains why you see so many Timmy’s next to a Wendy’s, but now Timmy’s is a separate company. In fact, up until last week or so, TDL, the holding company, was a Delaware corporation for tax purposes, but now it’s come back home too.
Crossing the border into the US meant you couldn’t have a good coffee unless you went to St. Arbucks, or Tully’s. In Ohio and parts of Michigan you could find a Tim Hortons and as a Canadian, it was very much a taste of home.
With the opening of the new stores in the Big Apple, it is important to pass on some of the informal history and social conditioning attendant to Tim Hortons:
Ordering: Figure out what you want before you actually get to the counter. For God’s sake don’t stand there with your mouth open pondering the imponderable for seventeen minutes: The menu isn’t that big.
A double-double is two creams and two sugars, or a triple-triple. The size? Extra-large is the one that grownups get. There is also something called a half and half, which is half hot chocolate and half coffee. They do serve tea, either steeped or fresh brewed.
A note about the Iced Cappuccino, or the IceCapp. It is manufactured in a slushie type of machine, the first five ingredients being sugar, glucose, milk, coffee and ice. IceCapps are notorious for causing skull-splitting ‘ice cream’ headaches that will make you beg for a fast, violent death. The seasoned IceCapp veteran knows that slow and steady is the way to go.
For food, the Dutchie or the Apple Fritter is always good, so is the Maple Dipped. You want a salad with baby arugula and balsamic dressing? Go someplace else.
Timbits are the holes out of the donuts. You can get them in 10, 20 and 40 counts. The 40 is a road pack for longer drives. Done correctly, the children will fall into a sugar and insulin coma within the hour. Unfortunately, during the hour, the sugar rush will have your issue caroming off the headliner like a superball thrown into a restroom stall. There are trade-offs.
Social Constructs: In a sit-down Tim’s, there are always the local elder folk who seem to cling like barnacles to their seats. In most small towns the Tim’s is the social hub to meet, greet, conduct business, interview employees, go on a date, pick paint samples, plot the overthrow of a distant African republic, read the paper, write sermons, share lies, tell stories, gossip, play “Spot the NFH (Not From Here)” and complain about the weather.
As a NFH going into the local Tim’s, you are entitled to internally scoff and perhaps even very quietly remark on the lack of branches in the family and genetic trees indicated by the locals’ visual aspects. Don’t do it out loud to the person behind the counter: They’re related to everyone else in the Tim’s and can have your spine broken in a moment. All it takes is a wave to their cousin Gord, the great hairy monster in the overalls, who is manhandling a 64 ounce Thermos the same way you have trouble with a demitasse cup.
Incidentally, if you are lost, asking the counter person how to get back to the highway, is better than military-grade GPS directions. They’re locals: They know.
Roll-Up-The-Rim-To-Win. From February to May, more or less, Tim Hortons runs a contest, which as the name implies, means you can roll up the rim of the paper cup (after you’re done drinking the coffee please) and possibly win various prizes. With the opening of the New York City stores, there is a move afoot to change to contest to Roll Up The Fuckin’ Rim Ta Win, Ya Fuckin’ Asshole!
I humbly suggest that the expanded NYC game name might be inappropriate in markets outside the 212 area code.
Camp Day, usually in June, takes the one day coffee sales and gives the money to the Tim Hortons Children’s Foundation. They run six Tim Hortons Camps for disadvantaged children. The Tim Hortons Children’s Foundation was set up in 1974, after the untimely death of Tim Horton.
Yes, dear reader, there was a Tim Horton. He was a hockey player, most famously as #7 for the Toronto Maple Leafs. He had four Stanley Cups and was known as quite possibly the strongest player going in his era as a defenseman. I had the honour of shaking his hand many years ago as a kid, at the Gardens.
As an aside, in “Wayne’s World”, the Mike Myers film, the donut chain “Mikita’s” was modeled after Tim Hortons, using Stan Mikita from the same era of the Chicago Blackhawks, instead of Tim Horton, as Tim Hortons wouldn’t go along with the product placement.
Now, my American cousins, you have been schooled in the world of Timmy’s. Tim’s. Deadboy Donuts. Tim Hortons, or even Tim Horton’s. Welcome to the family.
RoadDave 