Change I Can Believe In

The way we use our language is distressing me today, as the use of language is often an indicator of the depth of our mental abilities.  Now, far be it for me to stand as a paragon of linguistic and grammatical skills:  I’m not illiterate, as my parents were legally married, but I get irked with the way we butcher our language and obscure meanings with the mealy-mouthed non-threatening words of nanny-speak these days.

Green is mightily abused these days.  You name it, it’s got a green component.  Even gasoline is ‘green’ if a percentage is ethanol.  Back in The Day (2004) green meant environmentally friendly.  Change is another horse that has been flogged to within a millimetre of imminent demise, along with natural, organic and plant derived.  So, let us deconstruct the green-wash and the Change we’re seeing in our language.

Plant-derived:  This includes street heroin, as it is plant-derived from opium poppies.  Hashish, pot, tobacco, psyllicybin and most other recreational drugs are plant-derived.  Blue Agave cactus, when mashed, treated and distilled creates tequila.  Even purple-microdot is based on a synthesis from lysergic acid, derived from naturally occurring rye ergot.  Thanks to Albert Hoffman and Sandoz Labs for figuring that one out and giving us the permanent mental image of my grandmother climbing up my pant leg with a Ka-Bar knife in her teeth, singing "God Save The Queen".  At least it was plant-derived.

Organic:  Reinheitsgebot, the Ingolstadt Beer Purity Laws of 1516 ensured that beer was organically produced, at least in Germany.  For that matter, 150-proof moonshine is organic, as the ingredients are corn, water and yeast.  Distillation through a 1982 Chrysler K-Car, lead-soldered radiator is another matter, but hey, lead is organic so it must be good for you.  If you’re really into organics, put some white phosphorus on your foot.  Phosphorus is like, totally organic, dude.  It’s in the Periodic Table of Elements, so how dangerous could it be?  Oh yeah, it burns in oxygen.  Sorry about your leg dude.

Natural:  What a fertile ground this is.  The Sydney Tar Ponds are natural, as bitumen tar is a naturally occurring substance.  Lacing bitumen with more chemical toxins than there are letters in the alphabet, is not.  Weapons-grade Plutonium is natural as the compound exists in nature, just not in useable concentrations.  Plastics are not natural, I’ll grant you that, unless you make plastics out of renewable sources, like soybeans, then you can paint yourself as a environmentally responsible corporation.  By the way, avalanches are natural, so the eight back-country snowmobilers killed in BC last week, were killed naturally.  Taking a crap on your boss’ desk is supremely natural, especially if you used that recycled office paper to wipe up with, but will still get you fired.  

Renewable:  Your skin is renewable.  Crops are renewable. Oil is renewable, as long as you’re willing to wait 6 million years and push the next generation of dinosaurs into a swamp.  Even the Hummer is renewable.  Destroy the one you have and go buy another one, which is great for General Motors.  Plus, it’s made from recycled steel, so you’re rollin’ Green baby. 

Recyclable (where facilities exist).  Technically, we’re all recyclable.  Except the human recycling process involves death, so it isn’t quite as popular as one might initially think.  Recycling humans without permission is also frowned upon, as the government tends to call it serial murder.  Where facilities exist is a bit of a hook.  I just haven’t found the right municipality to live in, so I can recycle my stock of unused non-weapons-grade plutonium.  For some reason the folks in Mississauga don’t want to take a 142 pound mound of glowing, smoldering nuclear waste on Blue Box day;  What a bunch of sissies!

Fair-trade:  It depends on who is defining fair.  Some folks will label their sweatshop t-shirts as fair trade as they define fair, as in fair for them, not the workers.  Fair enough.  One supposes that we could label anything from Europe or the US as fair trade goods.  Green Giant Fair-Trade Niblets Corn?  It’s grown and canned in Iowa, so sure, why not?  Your Guatemalan nanny is obviously fair trade, as you are paying her almost minimum wage for a 100 hour week, which is so much better than she would be making back home.

Carbon Footprint:  You get a carbon footprint from walking through a pit of charcoal.  If the pit of charcoal is still flaming, then you also get burns.  You can also get into trouble by walking on a white carpet after walking through the charcoal.  That demonstrates your personal carbon footprint for all to see.  Being alive means you have a carbon footprint.  Some even argue that being dead has a negative carbon footprint, as it takes years for the casket and your remains to completely disappear.  Comforting isn’t it, to know that your dental work will be your eternal contribution to your perpetual carbon footprint.  Generations from now, carbon anthropologists will be calling me a shitheel because I have a partial plate.  Makes me want to engrave a message on my dental work along the lines of "Bite Me!"      

Change You Can Believe In. If you substitute the word ‘toothpaste’ for ‘change’, you’ll see exactly how simple-minded the statement is:  "Toothpaste You Can Believe In" would get you laughed out of every marketing class in the world, except at Yale, where you would be lauded as a friggin’ genius and invited to run the Republican party.  I choose not to have a close, personal, faith-based relationship with the seven pennies, the dime and the quarter I have in my pocket right now.  I choose to believe that if I collect my change once or twice a year I can roll it up and take it to the bank.

Which leads me to this unlikely scenario:  I roll up my Change I Can Believe In, walk to a local, unionized, store, buy a recyclable (where facilities exist) glass container of sustainable, plant-derived, organic, ethanol with natural flavenoids, pay for it with the Change I Can Believe In, put the bottle in my sustainable, free-trade fabric cloth bag, walk home to reduce  my carbon footprint and open the bottle.  Then I pour three fingers of the contents over ice made with solar-purified water and drink it. 

After a few repetitions, I’m in the midst of a sustainable, organic, natural, plant-derived drunk.  I’ll feel tempted to call up a couple of green guerillas and invite them to walk to my place and kiss my freshly-bathed (with unscented natural soap) pink, puckered, high-fibre arse.  Unfortunately, it isn’t in a nut-free zone.