I really didn’t feel like staying up half the night watching the US election results, as it would impact my beauty sleep in a negative way. Technically, I’d have to have beauty sleep continuously until 2036, so I decided to not risk a late night.
Instead I sent a case of Red Cap and a mickey of Palm Breeze rum to Mason Baveux to watch and comment on the US Election Results. Here is his report:
Thanks fer the pops Davey. And the Palm Breeze pours nice too.
So’s I watched’er come in. Watched four channels at the same time. Not that I’ve got four TVs, but I put a new set of batteries in the remote and went from channel to channel every few seconds when the talking heads got too stuffy or started using the big words.
Them TV networks decided to pull out all the stops with so much jeezly technology on the screen that your head started to spin. On every channel what was doing the election there were bar graphs and whirring things that kept going up, down, sideways and in and out.
Then there was some crawly thing on the bottom and across the top too. By the time they finished putting stuff on the screen, you were left with a picture of Katie the size of the Carling’s label. It made me dizzy so’s I bit the head off another beer weasel and things straightened out fine enough.
Then they showed some nimrod plugging an extension cord into a lump of coal a half-dozen times. I think it was a commercial. When I’d see that come on, I’d take a leak, as you don’t buy beer, you just rent it.
As the first results came in, there was the a race to say if they was good or bad for McCain or Obama. The maps kept going blue or red depending on how good or bad the news was, then they’d go over to some touchyscreen TV and make things whizz around tellin me that some Rotarian in Buttcrack Vermont voted for Bush in 2004, then voted for Obama in 2008, but used a ballpoint pen instead of a HB pencil, like he was supposed to.
I don’t know where they got their information from, but she scares me that Bill Hemmer or John King can see what my buddy Derek in Defiance Ohio is thinkin as I don’t think Derek has had a straight thought since the forklift hit him in 1989 and he had to move back home to the US to not get health care.
There was a pause from half-past ten to eleven o’clock when the talkin heads come on. I don’t know all them commentaters, as I don’t follow it as close as Dave does, but they kept sawing and sawing on how McCain was winning in the polls and the popular vote but there were too many real votes for Obama for McCain to win big enough to drive.
At least that was on the FoxNews what wanted McCain to win. The other ones, at least the ones that were tryin to be fair and ballanced, kept at it. The FoxNews stopped at 10 o’clock and said ‘We’re goin home” Then they run an old Seinfeld with the story about the sofa.
Back at the CNN, come eleven, they just said “She’s done. Barack Obama’s gonna do it. Go to sleep.” They showed the folks in Chicago, all jumpin up and down and cheering like the Leafs had won the cup.
Johnny Mac came on with the Alaska girl and said a nice speech about trying hard and going forward. He was polite and didn’t try to bust a chair over someone up on the stage with him, although you could see he wanted to real badly.
After a bit, Barack Obama came on in Chicago, at the park, which was all lit up, just like I was, as it was close to six friggin hours into’er. He made a nice speech about America is good and told the story about some old doll who was a hundred and six who voted for him. By then I was startin to nod a bit, so’s I turned it off and went to bed.
This is part where I sums up the election. Here goes.
First up, John McCain got his arse kicked four ways to Easter. I coulda told you that was gonna happen when her hired on that Alaska girl named Sarah Palin. I’m not one to kick a man when he’s down, but jeeze Louise, that about as dumb a draft pick as you could make and still be allowed out on Saturday night for bingo. Once in a while you’d see John McCain look at her like he’d suddenly found a retarded cousin had come to live with him.
Every time she opened her mouth, she’d change boots. Which worried a lot of folks as she’d have the nuclear codes if Johnny Mac cashed his cheque. I don’t care how nice you are, you don’t give your retarded cousin a box of matches and the Coleman lantern fuel sayin “Go play in the basement for a while.”
Then there was her knocked up daughter and that meatpole she married. He looked like the kinda guy who’d drive over your foot on a quarter dare then try to take a TIG welder to your arm to see who was tougher. Course, he’d never go first. The Alaska girl proved that you can be dumb enough to go into politics and find enough people who were even dumber to vote for you.
Barack Obama did good enough in his talking. They kept the gag on Biden during daylight hours and kept him full of rye in the evenings, so’s he wouldn’t cause too much trouble, as Biden’s crazier than a bus full of shithouse rats when he gets near a microphone. Be that as she be, Obama said a lot of things about change and hope and faith and the people bought into her enough to vote for him.
Which I think is a good thing, as Americans are smart people most of the time. They stop takin their medications once in a while, but generally they’re pretty good folks.
Now they’ve got to unfrig eight years of that Bushie proving that Americans are dumber than arse lint. Even the Italians were laughing at them half the time, which should tell you something about how messed up America is, or was, with Bushie.
Unfriggin should take Obama a year or two but there’s still the war and the economy in the shitter, which might take a little longer, but he’s got good bench strength, a couple of enforcers and some good defensemen who’ll take care of the power play when they’re short handed.
But at least she’s off to a good start, as long as Obama keeps his stick on the ice.
Thank you Mason, for your always insightful observations of real-politik south of the border.
RoadDave 