We seem to have intercepted some of the replies Santa has sent to various people. One could only imagine what the original letters asked for.
Dear Brittney: No, you cannot ask for Kevin to die and his lawyers to get diseases. You’re getting a tubal ligation for Christmas instead.
Dear Mitt: I will try, but Santa cannot promise that Beelzebub will issue forth from the Underworld consuming Rudy and Mike in streams of fire and brimstone in the Iowa primaries.
Dear Vice-President Cheney: You’re getting coal, not a war in Iran. I still remember the water-boarding your people gave Blitzen last December. You are a sick little man if you think putting the arm on my reindeer is going to get you moved off the naughty list.
Dear Al Gore: I appreciate you wanting to provide carbon offsets for the reindeer, but we’ve been carbon neutral and environmentally friendly for years. Perhaps you should take the carbon offset yourself and stop taking private jets.
Dear Bill: I know you mean well, but we’re sending the 16 million copies of Vista back to Redmond, as the good little boys and girls want iPods and cellphones, not laptops this year. If you could though, swap the copies of Vista for Halo III, we could work on it for you.
Dear Hillary: Santa will try, but he cannot promise that Barak Obama will suddenly start to stutter and speak in tongues.
Dear Barak: That’s very naughty of you to wish spontaneous orgasms for Hillary during speeches, but it would soften her image a bit. I will bring you the xBox though.
Dear Lord Black of Cross Harbor: Your missive of December 18th to hand. Although modest in your requests and within the usual limitations of the position of Santa Claus, per Para 2 (a) 1.2 of the Shareholder Agreement, herewith called The Agreement it is the judgement of the Board that you are not permitted to purchase, obtain, or cause to influence by any means, the proxies of any Elves currently in the employ of North Pole Enterprises, 2002, Incorporated in Delaware. And, no, there are no conjugal visits at the prison you’re going to.
Dear James Cameron: I don’t care if you’re an Academy Award Winning director, you are not going to follow me around on Christmas Eve with that friggin’ IMAX camera while I do the rounds. Especially if you get Celine Dion to sing the theme song. No Way. No How.
Dear Michael: No, you cannot have a young boy for Christmas. But I will bring carrots for the llama and a banana for Bubbles.
Dear Simon: I don’t know if Santa can do it, but he will try to bring you some more skills aside from your talent of being the biggest asshat on American Idol.
Dear Amy Winehouse: I can bring you more designs for tattoos like last year, of course, but Santa would prefer it if you didn’t leave a pipe and some rocks for the reindeer, like last year.
Dear Writer’s Guild West: Santa doesn’t normally get involved in labour issues, but even if you’re right, it is wrong to ask for the studio heads to all get boils on their bottoms for Christmas.
Dear Queen Elizabeth: Of course, Santa would be most pleased to bring you the box of After Eight mints for Christmas. Will you be leaving the customary glass of gin for Santa? With warmest regards, Santa.
Dear Posh Spice: Certainly Santa will try to bring peace to the world, but what he would prefer is that Becks stops getting injured and actually plays footy next season, instead of sitting on the sidelines. Santa lost a bundle this year.
Dear Elves: As part of our efforts to rationalize our international supply chain and increase shareholder value, as of 2359 hours on December 24, 2007, all shifts at the North Pole will go on indefinite layoff.
We do not anticipate reopening the line at the North Pole, but will call back a limited number of Elves, based on seniority, to disassemble the North Pole Lines #1 #2 and #3. These lines will be transported to the North Pole Enterprises (Honduras) facility in keeping with our global vision of Gifts for Good Girls and Boys, with Value, Quality and Integrity as our mission statement.
We thank you for your many years of service for North Pole Enterprises and wish you well in your future endeavours.
With Warmest Regards
S. Claus
RoadDave 