Today would be the 140th birthday of a reasonably good country that has its share of problems but seems to get along without too many cracks in the sidewalk. Let me tell you about it. I’ll translate for the Americans as I go.
Size: We’ve got five time zones in this joint. Newfoundland is actually closer to London, England, than to Vancouver, British Columbia. I can drive on an interstate equivalent for 12 hours and only go through one province and about halfway into another. To cross Ontario, one of the larger provinces, it takes a day and a half to drive the width of it using the Trans Canada Highway. Smaller provinces, like Prince Edward Island can be circumnavigated in a day.
People: 32 million or so, mostly clustered along the border with the US, as the further north you go, the colder it gets. The further north you go, the more likely it is that all your needs fly in on a bush plane, including lettuce, gasoline and Pampers.
TV: We have the 500 channel universe and have for decades. Satellite for phones and communications have been around since the 70’s especially up north. Ottawa, my home town, was a fully cable-wired city in 1967. Carleton University was one of the first wave of FreeNets using the DARPA-Net backbone for regular folks in the 80’s.
Snack Foods: You can get Twinkies up here, as well as Fritos and Pringle’s. But you can also get the Jos Louis, the Passion-Flakie, Old Dutch chips, as well as popcorn twists and sugar pie.
Beer: Lots and it packs a punch. Try "Maudite" from UniBroue and wind up on your ass. Nobody up here drinks Moosehead: That’s an export-only beer. Foster’s isn’t made in Australia for the US market. It is made in Toronto.
Wine: Lots and much of it very good. Icewine was popularized up here.
Liquor: Where do you think Canadian Club comes from?
Water: Lots. Cod? Not so much anymore.
Smokes: You can find Marlboros anywhere. I’ve found them in Ha Noi Vietnam. Canadian smokes are not for the faint-hearted. Try Player’s Plain or Export A Plain if you want to collapse a lung and wind up in hospital with nicotine poisoning.
Sex: When its too cold and dark to do anything else, what the heck do you think we do? The federal government used to pay something called the Baby Bonus in the 60’s, so mating was at one time government subsidized. Not that we weren’t interested in doing the deed, but the playoffs were on, so a little financial encouragement was needed.
Hockey: Too much. However, we are hosting the FIFA Under 20 World Cup this year, so soccer is on the rise. Don’t ever join a pickup game of lacrosse, technically our national sport, as the injuries from playing lacrosse make battlefield trauma look like a tricycle boo-boo on a five year old.
Earthquakes: Occasionally, but more on the West Coast, as the geologic and tectonic connections of Vancouver are directly related to Los Angles and Alaska.
Floods and Dust Storms: Got’em.
Drugs (Smoking Category): The biggest export from British Columbia, aside from good lumber that irritates the US, is dope that will loosen the top of your skull and leave you babbling incoherently for a day. Tampico ditch-weed is frowned upon here.
Drugs (Non Smoking Category): All of them. We might be missing some obscure kind of horse tranquillizer mixed with lye and poppy stalks, but if you want to set your head on stun, the larger cities can set you up.
Drugs (Real ones with prescriptions) All of them. I would be remiss to overlook the 222C, which is a high potency Aspirin with Codeine and it cures damn near everything that hurts.
Gasoline: We’ve got plenty but it is expensive, as the government taxes the snot out of it.
Government: Just as deluded, dishonest, incoherent and asshatted as the US versions.
Toronto: The famous quote from Peter Ustinov about Toronto is it is New York run by the Swiss. A closer truth is Atlanta run by the Dutch. There are 198 countries in the world, each with their own cuisine. I think we’re only missing the Burkina Faso and Tuvalu restaurants to have the whole set in Toronto. White tablecloth to street meat smog dogs, we’ve got it.
Montreal: Significantly better food that Toronto. I defy you to get a bad meal in Montreal, or Quebec City. Even if you order dog poop on a plate, it will be beautifully presented, impeccably prepared and seasoned perfectly. Served with a nice Chardonnay and hand-made baguette toast points, you will still have a good meal.
Oceans: Three, if you count the Arctic, but that one is usually under ice, except with global warming.
Good Looking Men/Women: The Boys Town area of Toronto has some of the most handsome, breathtakingly attractive men you will ever see. Montreal has women so droolingly gorgeous that traffic stops to watch. Unfortunately, in Boys Town, they’re almost all gay. In Montreal, to get their attention, you have to offer a Porsche as conversational collateral.
Poor Folks: We’ve got our share. Try North Bay or Yarmouth if you want to see that segment of the societal scale. The Hanson Brothers from "Slapshot" are not a caricature, a spoof or ironic. "Trailer Park Boys" is almost a documentary of some part of Canada.
Igloos: They do exist and a few thousand Innu elders are left who know how to make them for real. This would be up north, past the 60th parallel and only in the depths of winter. There are no igloos in our major cities. We don’t eat walrus or whale meat, unless it is at a sushi bar, under very odd conditions. The majority of Canadians have never eaten muktuk. Don’t ask.
Driving: On the right.
Language: Eh? is nation wide, except Quebec. Eh? is an interrogative, noun, verb, adverb, adjective, conjunction, gerund and even onomatopoeia on occasion. In Quebec, use Qua?
Gitch, Gotch or Gonch: Underwear.
Brains: Insulin, the Zipper, Superman, the Blackberry, most of NASA in the 60’s, the telephone, Trans-Atlantic wireless, Gerald Bull, Marshal McLuhan, Leonard Cohen and David Suzuki.
Talent: Most of Hollywood. Sorry about Celine Dion and Paul Anka. David Frum you can keep along with Conrad Black. Thomas Cruise Mapother used to live in Parkwood Hills in Ottawa, as a kid, for which we take no responsibility whatsoever.
Beauty: The list is too long.
Idiots: Mike from Canmore. Most of the government.
Wide Open Spaces: You can stand on the border between Manitoba and Saskatchewan and watch your dog run away. For three days.
Lump in throat moments: The Snowbirds (431 Demonstration Squadron) on Canada Day, performing airshow acrobatics over Parliament Hill, along with 250,000 of your closest friends.
It might have problems, but it is still Canada. Happy Birthday!
RoadDave 