Somehow we get these documents before they fall into the Shred-O-Matic. I have had to do some editing, as the first 30 pages are boilerplate bureaucratese and I’m not wasting perfectly good bandwidth to post that kind of mind rot. Here we go.
The Director of National Intelligence serves as the head of the Intelligence Community (IC), overseeing and directing the implementation of the National Intelligence Program and acting as the principal advisor to the President, the National Security Council, and the Homeland Security Council for intelligence matters.
(SEVERAL PAGES DELETED BECAUSE IT WILL BORE YOU TO TEARS)
NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE COUNCIL
Since its formation in 1973, the National Intelligence Council (NIC) has served as a bridge between the intelligence and policy communities, a source of deep substantive expertise on critical national security issues, and as a focal point for Intelligence Community collaboration. The NIC’s key goal is to provide policymakers with the best, unvarnished, and unbiased information. Its primary functions are to:
• Support the DNI in his role as Principal Intelligence Advisor to the President and other senior policymakers…
(SEVERAL MORE PAGES DELETED BECAUSE IT WILL BORE YOU TO WITHIN A MILLIMETRE OF SLITTING YOUR WRISTS)
NIEs are the DNI’s most authoritative written judgments concerning national security issues. They contain the coordinated judgments of the Intelligence Community regarding the likely course of future events.
(PAGES OF ASS-COVERING DELETED)
The NIEs are typically requested by senior civilian and military policymakers, Congressional leaders and at times are initiated by the National Intelligence Council (NIC). Before a NIE is drafted, the relevant NIO is responsible for producing a concept paper or terms of reference (TOR) and circulates it throughout the Intelligence Community for comment.
The NIC then meets to critique the draft before it is circulated to the broader IC. Representatives from the relevant IC agencies meet to hone and coordinate line-by-line the full text of the NIE. Working with their Agencies, reps also assign the level of confidence they have in each key judgment. IC reps discuss the quality of sources with collectors, and the National Clandestine Service vets the sources used to ensure the draft does not include any that have been recalled or otherwise seriously…
(MORE DELETIONS OF BUREAUCRATIC BUMFODDER)
All NIEs are reviewed by National Intelligence Board, which is chaired by the DNI and is composed of the heads of relevant IC agencies. Once approved by the NIB, NIEs are briefed to the President and senior policymakers. The whole process of producing NIEs normally takes at least several months….
(FOR GOD’S SAKE, GET ON WITH IT!)
Key Judgments (ABOUT BLOODY TIME!)
Iraq: We are so screwed.
Iran: See The -stans.
China: We are so screwed. Half the US is owned by China, the other half is being sold back to us through Wal-Mart, Target and CostCo.
North Korea: Nuke’em back to the Stone Age. Too late! They’re already there!
Israel: Ixnay alking tay about Srael-iay or Alestine-pay
Russia: Vlad the Impaler is still there. Don’t mention schools in Beslan or tea that glows in the dark.
The -stans: Like we care about Paki, Afghani, Kazakh, Turkmeni and Absurdi
Britain: Blair’s in the shit. Betty’s still the Queen. Nobody has a dental plan.
France: Bunch of Whiners
Germany: Bunch of Whiners with Bratwursts
India: There’s a great curry place in Georgetown, so India is friendly enough.
Spain: Tapas Tuesday Two For One at El Rato Grande on K Street, so they must be OK, except they’re in that commie EU thing.
Canada: Bugs, trees, rocks and Alex Trebek
Africa: Wasn’t there that film about Idi Amin down at the Multiplex? And the women from National Geographic with the plates in their lips.
Nigeria: We got an email from there and we’re sending $14 million dollars over to get $60 million dollars out of the country for their Minister of Spears and Shields. Trustworthy enough.
Mexico: Same as South San Diego. Their Presidente asked the last person to leave Mexico to be sure to turn out the lights. Ask around in Crawford next time.
Saudi Arabia: Our wondrous friends, except for the Bad Bin Laden side of the family.
Madagascar: The Axis of Evildoers of the Axis of Evil are all there. Invade ASAP.
I think I see why it was a first draft. Probably too in-depth for President Jo Jo The Idiot Boy in its current form. I’m looking for the executive summary version right now and if I can find it, I’ll post it right away. It probably starts with "Once upon a time there was a big, brave President named Jo Jo…" and Shotgun Dick read it to him a beddy-byes time.
RoadDave 