Somehow this desk has received a transcript of an international telephone call between Nori al-Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister and George W. Bush. I never know how this stuff shows up, but I have copied it over, warts and all:
NaM: Good evening Mister President
GWB: Well, howdy Norrie, how’s things going over there. Didja have any problems gettin a dial tone?
NaM: No, Mister President, the telephone system works well from the Prime Minister’s residence, as your contractors have done a fine job in hanging the wires.
GWB: Glad to hear it Norrie, now what can I hep you with tonight?
NaM: It is the surge, as you call it, of troops to our country. We have several issues with the number and strength of the escalation…
GWB: Surge Norrie, surge, It ain’t no escalatoring…
NaM: Yes, Mister President, the surge of troops that you have spoke so well of. It is, well it is causing difficulties for us in our relations with the various groups in Iraq
GWB: I ain’t followin Norrie. Y’all tellin’ me somethin and I ain’t hearin you
NaM: Yes Mister President. Let me be frank for a moment….
GWB: Good idear! Put Frank on the phone. He’ll explain what y’all lookin for
NaM: No Mister President, there is no one named Frank here. I mean that I am going to speak with unclouded honesty and forthrightfulness…
GWB: Oh? (To someone else in the room: Fucked if I know Dick, (unintelligible) carpet-jockey)
NaM: It is the number of the troops Mister President. It would seem to be insufficient.
GWB: Now what do y’all mean by insufficient Norrie? Hell, we’re sendin 21,500 of the finest troops we’ve got in the Fight for Freedom for the Freedom Loving Peoples of Iraq for Freedom!
Nam: Mister President, there are not enough troops being sent to the areas that are requiring the use of armored patrols to bestill the insurgents. We require more troops to Anbar province and to the southern provinces, where the insurgents are most bold.
GWB: Ahh I’m not quite gettin that Norrie. You’re tellin me you want more troops to be sent to a province? Hold on a darn minute there…we’re not fightin in Canada are we? (To someone else in the room Jesus Dick, you didn’t tell me they were goin to Canada did you? (unintelligible) They got oilsands? How many barrels a day? (unintelligible) Well, that’s different then… (unintelligible) Yeah, Yeah, I will)
NaM: Mister President? Are you there?
GWB: Uh…Yeppers Norrie. I’m here. So y’all want to send them troops somewheres else is what you tellin me right?
NaM: It is not my intention to tell you how to deploy your forces Mister President, but I feel that I should ensure that you are comprehending the importance of the urgency.
GWB: I surely do Norrie. The Freedom Loving Peoples of Iraq want to Enjoy the Freedom that only Freedom can bring without the interference of the Axis of Evil and the Evildoers of the Axis of Evil.
NaM: Mister President, it is of the utmost importance that the Iraqi Police be sufficiently armed to counter these insurgent forces. Which is why I would respectfully request your military representatives provide us with the weapons to allow us to defend ourselves.
GWB: You tellin me you ain’t got enough guns Norrie? (To someone else in the room: He sez he ain’t got enough guns Dick. Can we sell him some? (unintelligible) Yeah, through Haliburton if you want to, but spread it around this time.)
NaM: We feel that our police forces could control the situation better than your offer of a surge of troops Mister President.
GWB: Now you’re not plannin on using them guns on Shiites or Sooners or whatever the hell tribe you ain’t in, are you Norrie?
Nam: Never Mister President, that would never be our intention to establish a theocracy based on the membership of a particular religious branch. You have my word.
GWB: Jes as long as we’re clear on that Norrie, as I wouldn’t want to see nothin like that happening on my watch, after all I am the Decider and I’m the President Who Decides.
NaM: Of course Mister President.
GWB: (To someone else in the room By Tuesday? Hell, that’s good service. (unintelligible) Y’all tell them that Blackwater has to do the training though. Karl said so. (unintelligible) Them Iraqi cops don’t know which end of a rifle to look down. Give the boys some of them 50 cals too, but they gotta pay retail for the training.) Hey, Norrie, do y’all want ammunition with them guns?
NaM: I think it would be prudent Mister President, as a gun without ammunition is like a camel without legs, as the saying goes in my village.
GWB: Jeeze Norrie, you guys crack me up. We’ll git er done for you right smartly and send you the bill.
NaM: Mister President, regarding the surge of troops, then…
GWB: Yeah? They’re the cream of the crop Norrie…
NaM: With the weapons and our existing police infrastructure Mister President, we believe we could handle the bold insurrectionists on our own.
GWB: You mean you won’t need them? Is that true Norrie? (To someone else in the room He says he don’t need em Dick (unintelligible) Iraq, Iran, I can’t keep em straight anymore. (unintelligible) They’re already there? Fuck. (unintelligible) Could redeploy ’em to Niagra Falls you know (unintelligible) They’re a bunch of sneaky shitheels speakin French too. They didn’t tell us nothin about no oilsands either! (unintelligible) Good fishin up there (unintelligible) OK I will)
NaM: Mister President?
GWB: Right here Norrie. OK, we’ll pull em back and ship the guns by FedEx. That hold you over?
NaM: It has been a pleasure dealing with you Mister President
GWB: And a real pleasure here too. I sure did like that joke about the camel too.
NaM: And give my regards to your family Mister President. Thank you for taking my call.
GWB: I’ll tell Laura you said howdy. Bye now!
NaM: Thank You Mister President
RoadDave 