British police have, according to their press conference, put the brakes on a potential terrorist plot that would have seen close to a dozen US flights blown up by terrorists who were going to smuggle explosives onboard in carryon baggage. As of right now, don’t bring any kind of liquids on your trip. This includes shampoo, gel, coffee, perfume, bottled water and presumably, baby formula or breast milk.
The US Department of Homeland Paranoia has jacked the Terrorism Pez Dispenser up to Red. So has the UK. CBC Newsworld is saying the airport in Ottawa, which has a direct flight to Heathrow, has police-taped the soda machines to prevent anyone from actually buying anything that could potentially be brought onboard an aircraft. Toronto airport is calling for international travelers to show up a further hour earlier, which now means you show up on Tuesday afternoon for a flight Friday night. Just confirmed, human breast milk in bottles must be ‘proven’ to be safe, which means the person traveling with an infant must swig some to prove to the CATSA screener that it isn’t an explosive substance.
Heathrow and US airports are demanding everyone take off their shoes before going through security. That includes flip-flops, sandals and sneakers of course. Woe betide anyone who puts up a fuss. You always have the choice of immediately being put on the global “no-fly’ list as a shit-disturber, kiddy-diddler and probable liberal democrat.
It is now time for me to bring back my favorite anti-terrorism proposal. I came up with this one back in the days of the Cuban airline hijackings, when all kinds of flights were being forcibly redirected to Havana by cement-heads. Here’s how it works.
You check in, the usual hour before your flight. You are not allowed to check your baggage. You must take your baggage to the bottom of the airstairs up to the airplane. Your bag is xrayed and inspected until the security folks are content. This might take a couple of hours. You hand your bags to a ramp rat, who puts it in the hold. You see it go into the aircraft. This gives us positive bag match, passenger to baggage. It also means it is almost impossible to lose your bag, as you saw it being put on the aircraft and you brought it to the aircraft.
At the bottom of the airstairs you are sent off to a screened area. Strip naked. No bras, panties, underwear, prostheses, dentures, watches, rings, or jewellery are allowed. Your possessions are put in a hospital style drawstring bag that you write your name on. You put on a pair of shapeless disposable paper overalls and a pair of clean-room bunny boots. Your clothing bag is x-rayed until it glows, then is put in the hold of the aircraft. You proceed to the bottom of the airstairs.
In exchange for your boarding pass and a thorough pat-down search, you are given a Glock 9mm semi-auto handgun and two clips of ammunition. You can now board the aircraft and take your seat. There will be no movies, music, beverage or meal service. Do not ask for a headset, pillow, blanket, newspaper or magazine. Fasten your seatbelt and remain seated with your seat back upright and table trays stowed and locked.
Any terrorist who wants to take over an aircraft will be confronted with 128 angry, jittery, armed passengers. Any passenger doing anything even vaguely suspicious will be confronted by their fellow angry, jittery, armed, passengers and quite possibly shot repeatedly from several directions. There will be the occasional accident, but that is the price we’re all going to pay for increased security in the air.
At your destination, at the bottom of the airstairs, you hand back your sidearm, unused ammunition and any brass casings you might have left. In exchange for the turn-in, you get your drawstring bag with your possessions. You enter another screened area where you can change out of the overalls and back into your clothes. Outside the screened area, you are reunited with your probably intact baggage, which you can then carry into the airport yourself.
Out of this process, which I agree, is a bit involved, we get a number of benefits.
For starters, no more lost bags. Ever. The passengers bring the baggage to the airplane and watch ramp rat put the bag on the plane. The airlines get significant benefits, to help their struggling industry. No more bursting overhead storage bins, as carryon, except for the weapon, are disallowed. No more wasting money on things like movies, food or beverage for the passengers. No more wasteful Public Relations departments at the airlines, as we have now transformed the industry into a flying, armed, penal colony. No more letting the cabin or cockpit crew serve or interact with the passengers, which means we can get by with a barebones crew of three, two flying and one in the cabin. We can hire flight attendants based on their familiarity with sidearms, not their ability to serve food, which means training will consist of a two-hour firearms course and that’s it. Physical appearance, aside from a perpetual scowl, and good marksmanship scores, will no longer be pertinent.
The TSA will be able to focus more on people bringing a lighter, or an aluminum walker or cane on the aircraft, as they won’t have to worry about guns or explosives anymore. Everyone will be armed, so it speeds up the selection process at security.
There are people who will object, especially from the standpoint of untrained civilians having weapons readily available, that we are going down a slippery slope. We are already down the slippery slope, at the bottom. The question is how far into the manure lagoon at the bottom of the slippery slope are we willing to wade or snorkel.
What we’re being distracted from is Iraq, Israel and Lebannon, the price of Oil and how much of a dickhead our various leaders have become. The Terror Pez Dispenser is going to be pinned on Red from now until at least mid-November. Get used to it.
RoadDave 