(This is a reprint of a reasonable RoadDave website posting from March 3rd, 2004)
Nearly eight years ago George Bush Senior’s Dumber Son was taken to an Undisclosed Location. There, under the supervision of Karl Rove and some of the other Fun Factory technicians, Dubya was created. The Fun Factory Technicians, upon opening up the body, found no backbone, no heart, less brain, the missing pages from his military service, along with a shot glass, some rubbers, a well-used hash pipe and a golf shoe belonging to Daddy.
The skin was tanned and a wig from the Ronnie Collection was plopped on the head. After mounting the wiring, processors and frame, they created Republican President 2.0, which they called Dubya 2.0.
As an aside, some of us remember Republican President 1.0, Ronald Regan. Most of the electronics were kept in the Nancy Module, with a wiring umbilical between them. Regan was nearly lifelike, but not quite as good as they had hoped: The Teflon coating fried the memory modules.
The beta test for Dubya was running Texas as Governor. After a few more tweaks, Dubya 2.0 was sent to run for President and won against Al Gore. It wasn’t as if Dubya was playing the All-State Varsity, but at least he won against the City Champions.
For eight months or so, Dubya 2.0 clanked and beeped around 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., posing for photographs, shaking hands and vacuuming up lint. A months’ rebuild at Crawrford, Texas taught Dubya to not puke on the Japanese Prime Minister, to eat like a human, not a Texan raised by wolves and to introduce Dubya 2.0(b) to his animated wife, Peggy Hill.
During the rebuild, they tried to get the voice to say “nu-klee-ur” rather than “noo-kler”, but failed. However, the programmers did manage to get “wetback”, “darkie” and “hey pretty lady, give baby a table dance” out of the vocabulary modules. They also stopped Dubya 2.0 from acting like a Roomba in a suit jacket, which was getting embarrassing at the White House when the press or visiting dignitaries were allowed in.
Then came 9-11. In a brilliant bit of engineering Dubya 2.0(b) read back some sound bites that were perfect for the time and circumstances. Karl Rove and Dick Cheney pushed the buttons and uploaded exactly the right things. Rove and Cheney, dining on human flesh at the Undisclosed Location, did high-fives over the cigars and flasks of fresh-packed blood.
After their success with 9-11, Rove and Cheney wanted to prove their skills as the pre-eminent puppet masters. Surrounding Dubya 2.0(b) with Powell, Rice and Rumsfeld, they pressed the Iraq button. The sound bite technicians, including Ari Fleischer, wrote amazing macros that set up Powell at the UN, Rumsfeld at the Pentagon and Condoleezza Rice on Meet the Press.
The war cranked up as written, but Rove and Cheney ran into a problem. Two puppeteers, but five puppets. One, Dubya 2.0(b) was on autopilot, but the other four, Powell, Rice, Rumsfeld and Fleisher needed to have their buttons pressed on a regular basis.
Powell, as an example, would occasionally veer towards telling the truth, but shown a picture of his wife with a gun held to her head, combined with a 90 volt shock to his nuts, Powell would go surly and read whatever was put in his hand. The war veteran knew he was beat.
Condoleezza Rice was easy to control: They promised to legally change her first name and let her play piano at the Press Dinner.
Rumsfeld was harder to fix though. He was already filthy rich, so Rove and Cheney had to resort to good old fashioned threats of personal bankruptcy. Rummy would be cut out of the cash flow if he didn’t play along, which was only part of the equation. The capper was the faked pictures of a young Rumsfeld shaking hands with JFK and Ralph Nader.
Fleischer was almost easier than Rice. As long as Ari had limitless Viagra and a supply of Mexican whores to beat up, he played along. Rove and Cheney even arranged for Rumsfeld and the Pentagon to pay for the talent through a Haliburton subsidiary. Pictures were taken as the cash was handed over and the body bags of some “unfortunate excesses” chez Fleischer were disposed of.
With all the time spent on Powell, Rice, Rumsfeld and Fleischer, the Puppeteers forgot about Dubya 2.0(b). Something went wrong in there and it started opening its mouth at odd moments. It made economic pronouncements that sounded like a cross of the “Evildoers of the Axis of Evil” speech with “Tax Cuts and Outsourcing Save American Jobs”. Those who thought huge deficits were wrong fiscally, including Allan Greenspan, were lumped into the same category as Osama Bin Laden and North Korea.
At the Undisclosed Location, Rove and Cheney looked around. Rice was off practicing the piano for the Press Club Dinner. When Ari left the government, he turned Runsfeld on to the thrill of beating up prostitutes with a bricklayers hammer. Powell started to resist the shocks to the nuts and said “Go ahead and kill her. I don’t care anymore”. Even John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge started to act up, despite the implants.
This left Rove and Cheney and some lesser lights from the Fun Factory to run the deal. Rove, although a great strategist was no writer. Cheney, although a master fixer, was no economist.
They needed some bench strength and Daddy came back with some wisdom of the ages: “Fags and Flags, boys. Fags and Flags. And rewire that asshole son of mine. Carlyle Group will spring for it through EC&G.” So Dubya 2.0(b) went into for an overhaul over Christmas. First Marionette Peggy Hill was left to run the shop for the two weeks over the holidays while the work was done.
Now, the Republican Reptile Pool is opening up the Election Valve, putting Dubya Version 2.4 out there. Version 2.4 is no better at reciting sound bites than the old one, meaning there is the occasional bleep and tweet when it goes off script as you see the processor trying to find a word that links two disparate thoughts together.
Occasionally old programming comes back. I was waiting for Dubya to call Jean Aristide an “Evildoer, of the Axis of Evil”.
But the upgrade is taking. Based on the Fags and Flags program, Dubya 2.4 is wrapped in the Flag as the Great Crusader. And Fags are a security threat to America, especially if they want to marry.
They still haven’t figured out how to wrap mammoth deficit financing in the Flag, but it looks like they might not have to work too hard on that one. Just order up some soldiers from Rummy. Even the deeply confused understand the implications.
Towel-headed, bearded homosexuals trying to marry each other and explode bombs in the hometown Wal-Mart has many voters are getting their heads down. Voters know that the only solution will be to call out the Army and pay more taxes. We might have to bomb San Francisco and Rhode Island but that is the price you have to pay for America to fight the Axis of Evil. God Bless America.
RoadDave 