Ari Fleisher, the US President Press Wank has pulled the pin on his tenure as the Voice of Doom for Dubya. Fleisher is well known for his selfless devotion to the Bush Presidency and his almost perpetual frown at the Washington Press Corps.
Fleisher is not a stupid man; he realizes that the job is just a deck chair on the Titanic and you can never win. Journos won’t let you win, break even, or even quit the game, so why take the gig in the first place? For starters, it is a resume-maker and career capper without parallel, but not while you’re in the job. The money tit comes out after you leave. The speech circuit, the dinner circuit, the university gigs and the requisite book are all on the table now. Ari can take his pick of the money and run like a mad bastard for the bank.
Fleisher’s stated reason for leaving is he’s had enough and wants to spend some time with his new wife of six months. Both are noble statements and probably accurate, except most observers of the Voice of Doom are not convinced he has a dick, let alone somewhere to stuff it, aside from up the ass of journalists. Surprises exist every day.
The bets are now on for the replacement. The job description is horrid:
Be the President’s mouthpiece 24-7-365.
Explain things to stupid reporters using small words and simple concepts.
Be able to speak out of both sides of your mouth at the same time, as well as out of your ass, depending on the current political reality sweeping Washington this afternoon, or this minute.
Harvest the live infant stem cells for the hourly injections that keep Alan Greenspan alive and the economy running.
Ensure Trent Lott is muzzled at all times.
Teach Dubya English.
One front runner that has been mentioned is Victoria Clarke, whom you might remember from the Gulf War. She was the Pentagon Mouthpiece and was known as Ari Fleischer With Balls. She has the pedigree, the dour attitude and the ability to keep her teeth clenched while fielding inane questions. She also collected the live insects for Donald Rumsfeld’s lunch feedings, so she know her way around handling the guys in the big chairs.
The Press Wank job is the only job that might be tougher than Commander in Chief and may all have mercy on those who apply.
RoadDave 