Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge announced his Operation Ready to put some focus on the home front preparations for Bad Things. They’re mostly common-sense: Have an Emergency Kit, Water, Medicines, First Aid Kit, battery-powered radio and spare batteries, food and the rest of the things we’ve been told we need in our houses at all times. Except Tom Ridge missed a few things:
A can opener: Nothing like being trapped in your personal bunker for a week, with cans of food and nothing stronger than a #2 pencil to open the tins.
Liquor: Face it, with the Apocalypse happening outside, you’ll need a drink or two to settle your nerves. Should it be single-malt? Wine? Beer? What about mix and garnish? If we’re going to stay in the bunker, we DO need bar snacks, don’t we?
A screened off area for some kind of Porta-Potty. After all, if the whole family is squeezed into the bunker, do you want to watch Aunt Esther taking a dump after the fourth day of the MexiCasa Dried Habanero Dip? I think an air-freshener might be good too.
Swim fins. Kids don’t go anywhere without swim fins. Just look at the television commercials, all kids have swim fins for the hotel pool. Don’t tell the kids we’re all going into the bunker, just tell them we’re playing ‘vacation’ in the ‘basement hotel’.
Digital Cable. You have to keep up with the devastation and CNN just gives you the American perspective. BBC World Service is on Digital Cable, hence, you must have Digital Cable.
A comfy sofa. If we learned nothing from the September 11th terror attacks, sitting on the sofa for two solid days with your mouth open, unblinking and uncomprehending, is that good seating is imperative for Back Health. And since you’ll have to dig out of your bunker when it all settles out, you should take care of your back.
The Seinfeld “The Contest” Episode. Laughter is always the best medicine, so says Reader’s Digest. Laughing while your lungs melt should ease the tension of the End of Days. Get a VCR to go with the Digital Cable.
A Wal-Mart. You’ll need jumbo bags of Reese’s Pieces to keep the kids quiet when they find out the ‘vacation in the basement hotel’ doesn’t have a pool, Nintendo, or a PlaySpace. Only Wal-Mart has the volume pricing you’ll need. After all, it’s going to take some money to rebuild your life after utter devastation of the planet, so save a buck or two now and top up your 401(k) or RRSP.
A guitar. Singing Cum-By-Yah with the family around the fires of Damnation is so much better with accompaniment.
Guns. Lots of Guns. And ammunition. Lots of ammunition.
Tom Ridge’s personal phone number, or the iPaq with the lawyers on speed-dial. After all, if Tom didn’t tell you all the things you should have in your bunker, you should sue him.
RoadDave 